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Abel to Yzerman

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Hey Toronto….You Want Wings? We’ve Got a Few Suggestions

by IwoCPO on 11/26/07 at 08:34 AM ET
Comments (7)

Look.  We understand.  We know what a drought is. We know that one of the effects of said drought is a level of Lowe-like desperation that could prompt an organ-I-zation to execute plans many of us would consider to be less than savory.  We get it.

So we, the Wing fans, aren’t angry with Toronto for trying to steal away everyone from the janitors on up.  In fact, because the staffers here at A2Y appreciate the O6 and TO’s place within that legendary group, we’d like to help.  You can’t have Kenny, and you can’t have the Captain.  And, no, you can’t have Scotty either...even though you feel you’re owed a stop on the Bowman tour of hockey towns.

But there are plenty of other Wing icons to choose from. 

Garth Snow proved it’s possible.  Goaltenders are crazy bastards, but a few have what it takes to run a team.  Patrick Roy can’t, but that’s another discussion.  Our suggestion?  Manny Legace.  Yes.  Hell yes.  Attributes:  an unshakeable belief that nothing is his fault, ever.  Loquacious.  He’ll be great with the Toronto media, a weakness you’ve had under JFJ.  Manny will talk their ear off and throw every single Leaf player and staffer under the bus while he’s at it, which I’m sure they’ll deserve and even appreciate at the time.  Weakness:  He has some suicidal ideations.  He probably won’t do it, but you may have to suffer through the occasional, “I feel like hanging myself,” after a trade gone bad.  Yeah, you may have to whittle him out of his contract with the bitter Blues. But something tells me that if you’re desperate enough (and we know you are), you can make it happen.  Manny’s your boy.  Get it done.

Not comfortable with Manny?  Well, that’s just too bad.  I’m sad for you, and for him.  Don’t fret. Here’s another suggestion.  Uwe Krupp.  No, I don’t have any idea where that malingering dog-sledding piece of crap is right now.  But, he always had a good head for a good deal.  He learned from the best.  Made his bones under Pierre LaCroissant.  His tenure in Detroit was short-lived, but even a few months in Hockeytown qualifies as a step up for the Leaf organ-I-zation.  Attributes:  Well-rounded.  A man of the people.  Understands the wants and needs of today’s player.  Weakness:  Likes his sick days. Likes them a lot.  Lies and then tries to use litigation to recoup money he doesn’t earn.  Is that a problem?  If not, go for it.

Petr Klima.  One of the original defectors and a former player very much in tune with the former Eastern bloc.  Is it former? I don’t know.  But I do know Pete would love TO.  Most likely he’d fall into the category of a “hands-off” executive.  Not real smart, but not real eager to get in there and make up for his lack of common sense through hard work.  A figurehead without the pedigree.  Perhaps exactly what the Leafs need right about now.  A gradual improvement, a relaxed office atmosphere.  Attributes:  One helluva mullet.  An epic mullet. Joe-Dirt like.  Toronto’s big on mullets.  Cosmopolitan town that it is.  You may not win with Pete at the helm, but from a fashion perspective...do it.  Weakness:  Lives to excess.  Yeah, we still blame him for dragging Big Bob out to Goose Loonies. 

What? Is that a negative on the Klima suggestion?  That’s cool, because I’ve got a ringer for you.  This one’s a steal and I saved it for last because I’m all about the suspense.  How would you like a true hockey architect?  A man who can build a team through the draft, through the art of the deal, slip players past aggressive communist soldiers and then nurture them once they get to TO?  He’s available....oh yes.  Jimmy Frigging D.  Settle.  Settle down.  Do we want to let him go?  Of course not. He’s the mastermind behind all Wing success for the past thirty years.  Ask him.  But, again, we understand your plight.  And we know a resurgence in Toronto is good for the whole Original 6 family.  So we’re giving him to you...cheap.  Heck, we’re giving him to you for nothing. 

Attribute: a hockey genius with connections on every continent and in every front office.  He can babble his way through a contract negotiation like no one else.  There isn’t an agent on earth who can understand what the hell he’s saying, and that alone makes him a standout.  Money.  You got it. He wants it. Not for himself.  He wants to spend it.  Fifty, sixty million a year.  Give him the checkbook and he’ll bring you the talent.  Oh...the Cap?  Yeah, don’t worry about that.  You’re Toronto. You can make that go away, can’t you?  Weakness: None.  Well...not really a weakness, but an eccentricity.  He kinda likes to talk.  Kinda likes to tell secrets under the guise of an “anonymous source within the organ-I-zation.” No big deal really, since everyone knows who’s doing the talking.  Just something to be aware of.

So there you have it.  4 worthy candidates.  All with Wing connections, a qualification you apparently require.  Why? Because, TO, we want you to succeed.  We do.  We don’t resent your incessant attempts to reach into our franchise to steal our talent.  We respect it.  Just giving you some realistic options.

Good luck.

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Comments

I’ll give you Jacques-freaking-Demers!

Posted by w2j2 on 11/26/07 at 10:10 AM ET

No, no - Jimmy D is perfect in so many ways.  He’s a microcosm of everything that TO (thinks it) is to hockey.

On a completely unrelated note, what ever happened to Krupp’s dispute with the Wings - who won that???

Posted by Hoser from Downer Peninsula, Michigan on 11/26/07 at 11:19 AM ET

This will solve Toronto’s problem: 

Sell the whole corporation to Mike Ilitch.  He will clean it out and put in good management.

Wouldn’t that be sweet?  An American owning the Laffs?
hahahahhahahahahahahhahahah

Posted by w2j2 on 11/26/07 at 12:50 PM ET

Doesn’t an American already own the Canadiens?

Would Toronto be more or less accepted, I wonder.

At least with the schedule the way it is, there can’t be any conflict of interest, since they never play each other.

Posted by Baroque from Michigan on 11/26/07 at 12:54 PM ET

My guess is that TO would have their own, hockey-version of the Boston Tea Party if the Leafs were owned by some American/s.  I also assume that Balsilly would outbid the free world if the Leafs were for sale, so I doubt it would ever be a legitimate concern.

Posted by Hoser from Downer Peninsula, Michigan on 11/26/07 at 12:59 PM ET

Two words:  Ned Harkness.

That is all.

Posted by SYF from Las Vegas, NV on 11/26/07 at 07:35 PM ET

Jimmy D has season tickets to Leaf games, no joke, and he’s from Toronto…

But there’s no way he’s leaving what has become the cushiest job in hockey as everybody else around him does the vast majority of the work, and he gets the credit while sprinkling rumours here and there and making sure that the team’s media relations remain in the dark ages.

Posted by George James Malik from South Lyon, MI on 11/27/07 at 03:48 AM ET

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