Abel to Yzerman
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You Must Think I’m Stupid Or Something
by IwoCPO on 01/16/09 at 03:07 PM ET
Comments (28)
I know what you’re doing. And I fall for it every time. I know you send me things not because you want to let me know you care, but because you enjoy watching me spin up like a large dad at a birthday party with his nose on the end of the bat, going in circles while the kids all laugh and his wife sneaks sips from the gin bottle.
Some of you forwarded things to me today, and I tried to resist.
And I waited as long as I could, like two whole hours.
Dammit.
They have no true enforcers. They ‘skate lightly’. Their forwards look ridiculous and out-of-place when they try to throw a jaw-shattering check. And an overly-physical team can beat them in a seven-game series: as long as the Stars, Ducks or Sharks play the way they can against the Wings, it’s unlikely Detroit will make it to a second-straight Cup Final. Of course, last year the Wings’ opponents tried to out-skill the Wings rather than punch them in their fat Swedish faces, and the result was the 2008 Cakewalk to the Cup.
I don’t know who Todd Maternowski is but he wrote that. Developmentally, I think he may be a bit slow. Plus, he used 8 exclamation points throughout his “article” and he looks like this.
I’ll leave it up to you guys to rebut his manifesto as you see fit. Or don’t. Me? I’m still laughing after reading this, something else one of you geniuses forwarded me.
PlayStation 3 (the city)
Reply to: .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)
Date: 2008-12-07, 10:54AM ESTI have a Brand new in-box PlayStation 3 gaming system that you can obtain
for a special price. It is the 80gb model and includes 2 brand new dualshock
3 wireless controllers.I do not want your money or thanks. To obtain this
top of line gaming system, you must let me punch you in the face three times
and your child must be present. If you have multiple children, I would
prefer you bring your youngest child. This is not a joke. If you want to be
your children’s hero on Christmas, we will meet at a location that I will
specify to you, and I will proceed to punch you in the face in front of your
child. You may brace yourself if you want before I begin to punch you, for I
am a man of large stature (6’6, 275lbs) In between each punch, I want you to
instruct your child not cry. If your child so much as whimpers, the deal is
off. Don’t think I am a man to be trifled with or that you and a friend can
ambush me. I am a former NAVY SEAL and a veteran of the Irag War.This is the best deal you will ever find on a PlayStation 3. A truly unique
offer. You are welcome to inspect the product for authenticity before the
deal is done.Email me for more specific details and we can arrange a rendevous.
Merry Christmas.
Absolutely. Without question. Hilarious. Read it twice, four times. You’ll find something new to laugh at each time.
Not quite so funny? This.
With Zetterberg and the Red Wings, it’s clear that both sides would like to make this work. But we’ve seen similar situations in all sports where it doesn’t.
Holland has a limit. Will Zetterberg accept it?
Elliotte Friedman was surprised that his one-sentence Zetterberg reference got you in a lather yesterday. So surprised that he took it further today.
Here’s the answer. Yes. Zetterberg will accept it. Will it re-establish the Wing ceiling? Maybe.
Oh, does that offend you? Are we supposed to be shocked at the idea that the Lidstrom rule will be broken?
Look. Somebody made a comment yesterday that was similar to what I’m about to say. I tried to find it but couldn’t so try to do it justice.
Nick Lidstrom doesn’t care about making more money than anyone else. That’s not why the “ceiling” is there. The max number is in place because Lidstrom wants, as many others do, to ensure that the team isn’t overspending in the Cap era and extinguishing more Cup opportunities by shooting the organ-I-zational wad on 4 or 5 players. Gross, I know.
If Hank Zetterberg is the new guy on the ceiling, Lidstrom won’t care as long as the team remains competitive. Highly competitive. The guy doesn’t even know what an ego is. Do you really think it’s personal with him? No.
And it may not be with Hank either. We don’t know. All we know is this: in the midst of the last two days it’s been easy to point fingers at Zetterberg and wonder if he really turned down 75 million. This is just me talking, but I think it happened. I think Friedman was telling the truth. More on that in a second.
Zetterberg will stay because he wants to win. Again. Hossa and Franzen are conversations for another day, maybe tomorrow. Nah. Sunday. But Hank? That’s a Wing for life, and deep down we all know it.
As for Friedman’s source? I think he gave it away today. Same blog post. Different paragraph.
As for Zetterberg and the Red Wings, some notes. The last time I talked to Ken Holland about this was opening night, when Detroit hosted Toronto. At that time, Holland was optimistic the Zetterberg deal would eventually get done and was adamant that the centre would not be dealt under any circumstances.
I think Holland told him about Zetterberg turning th deal down way back in October and Friedman guaranteed not to attribute it, if he ever mentioned it at all. I also don’t think the inclusion of Holland (several times) in today’s blog post was coincidental. Tick Tock talked.
Ok. I got one more for you. Puck Daddy ran a little ditty last night about the Zetterberg/Friedman situation. Comment section’s pretty interesting. Especially this savant’s reaction.
8. Posted by Anthrax Jones Thu Jan 15, 2009 9:20 pm EST Report Abuse
Heaven forbid a Detroit player demand fair market value!
I hope the players union puts the word to Zetterberg, Hossa, and Franzen that they’re doing their union brethren no favors by taking less money to participate in the Detroit Circle Jerk.
Nice exclamation point. Thankfully, a response followed soon after.
14. Posted by HamAmnesian Thu Jan 15, 2009 9:48 pm EST Report Abuse
Detroit circle jerk? is that the same as the Stanley Cup Champion circle jerk? Yeah, why would anyone want to take less money to play for a team that perpetually contends for the cup AND takes care of its players…
My time in Denver has been blissfully limited, so I’m not familiar with the technicalities of any sort of circle jerk. But the point was well made. And it’s the bottom line.
Zetterberg is going to re-sign and the ceiling will probably stay intact. For the good of the team. Now there’s a Hockeytown phrase.
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Comments
man, i’ve gotta get myself into that Irag war..
where is Irag anyway?
Posted by Pharazon from England on 01/16/09 at 03:30 PM ET
Irag war? There must be something seriously wrong with his V.
You know, I read something recently about guys who pretend to be ex-SEALs (he was no Army SEAL, nor some freak-show mamby-pamby Air Force SEAL, mind you, he was a NAVY SEAL. Nay, I say, a NAVY SEAL). It was hilarious. I wish I remembered where I saw it.
Damn it, I want a top of line gaming system, but I don’t have any kids! Where do I go?
Posted by monkey from here to Timbuktu on 01/16/09 at 03:33 PM ET
It’s true: The Dive, Bubba, and Deep in the Hearta all seem to have a lock on How To Beat The Wings. Apparently it involves the fact that they are, respectively, The Dive, Bubba, and Deep in the Hearta, and, to be brutally honest, the Wings could give a shit.
Posted by monkey from here to Timbuktu on 01/16/09 at 03:40 PM ET
Wannabees…......to my understanding there are no “former”, “ex”, or “used to be” SEALS. They are, were and always will be. The bullshit meter on me komputer is pegged.
Posted by Rumbear from Top O da Hasek, sippin rum & catchin some rays on 01/16/09 at 03:45 PM ET
I hope teams take Maternowsksizizjfkdsizj advice. Detroit will beat them in 6 games on the heels of a 33% success-rate power play.
Seriously, do these people learn nothing? We’ve heard too old since 1997. How many Cups since then? 4. We’ve heard too soft since 2002? How many Cups since then? 2.
And now people are saying “too skilled”? What? Does that even make sense? TOO skilled? My brain is about to explode because of how little sense that shit makes. And don’t get me started on this chach’s picture.
Posted by Nathan from the scoresheet! on 01/16/09 at 03:50 PM ET
“Damn it, I want a top of line gaming system, but I don’t have any kids! Where do I go?”
I’ll pretend to be your kid. I promise not to appear to care in the least when you get punched in the face.
I kid, I kid 
Posted by Shane from Saskatoon on 01/16/09 at 03:52 PM ET
Smash mouth hockey, eh? Kind of like how O’Donnell tried to pick a fight with Fil last night and ended up in the box for 4 minutes? Or like how Boyle went after Malts on the first goal? That’s a hell of a way to take the Wings off their game! This Maternowski character looks like a guy who lives in his mother’s basement, stays up all night playing Mutant Hockey while commentating to himself like he’s Don Cherry and fondling himself.
Posted by clemshady from Greenwood, SC on 01/16/09 at 03:54 PM ET
Did I just get “quoted” by Friedman???
My comment yesterday in the Friedman on Toronto 640 thread:
WTF, Tick Tock and the Red Wings brain wash players into taking less??? Who is that buffoon. They completely mis understand the Lidstrom cap. It is not about the Perfect Human, the Perfect Human does nto care if he is the highest paid Red Wing. The Lidstrom Cap is about getting the maximum amount of superb talent on one team in the salary cap era. The Lidstrom Cap is all about NOT paying one player anywhere near the maximum allowed for a single player under the CBA, 20% of the Salary Cap ($11.2 mil this year)
Friedman’s “quote”
Look. Somebody made a comment yesterday that was similar to what I’m about to say. I tried to find it but couldn’t so try to do it justice.
Nick Lidstrom doesn’t care about making more money than anyone else. That’s not why the “ceiling” is there. The max number is in place because Lidstrom wants, as many others do, to ensure that the team isn’t overspending in the Cap era and extinguishing more Cup opportunities by shooting the organ-I-zational wad on 4 or 5 players. Gross, I know.
If it was Khan! quoting me, I might actually be impressed.
Posted by CaptainDennisPolonich from Warm and sunny SoCal on 01/16/09 at 03:56 PM ET
Who really wrote the PlayStation email? Short Round? “You top of line, Dr. Jones! Top of line!”
I’ll pretend to be your kid. I promise not to appear to care in the least when you get punched in the face.
I’m in! Go now! Top of line!
Posted by monkey from here to Timbuktu on 01/16/09 at 03:59 PM ET
From Wakinitowski:
The result? It seems as if the Wings have players everywhere. Throughout the game, the Wings play like they have six or seven guys on the ice, and the amazing frequency of no-look passes resulting in highlight-reel goals can seriously demoralize not just a team, but an entire fan base. “Wow, check out that ridiculous level of skill”: it’s not skill, it’s positioning!
Is he a non-profit writer, or does he actually get paid to write this? I may have to switch careers if this is all it takes to get a paying gig.
Posted by Dennis Dubay on 01/16/09 at 04:00 PM ET
clemshady: Don’t forget the Hand-built Jackatorium.
Posted by monkey from here to Timbuktu on 01/16/09 at 04:01 PM ET
We need to remove the sign that says “No diving in the shallow end of the gene pool”.
Letting absolute idiots get you riled up means they are dragging you to their level and their years of experience will catch up to you.
Tow-Maternowski looks like he’s the face of the Douche -Brah generation minus the flipped up collar.
Posted by MOWingsfan19 on 01/16/09 at 04:04 PM ET
Wannabees…......to my understanding there are no “former”, “ex”, or “used to be” SEALS. They are, were and always will be.
Nicely said.
Know what else. Z stays for the same as Lids’ value. Only thing is, everyone involved is worried about the back acting up again––and they know the real story, not the horsepucks they feed us. I think Z will age the same way Stevie did; their games are similarly ballsouthockey and his body will pay the price. I also think he will remain as valuable to the team as he is now, but like Stevie, change the way he makes his impact.
Posted by Osrt on 01/16/09 at 04:06 PM ET
Did I just get “quoted” by Friedman???
Nope Sorry Cap’n. That was me quoting you, not Friedman.
Posted by IwoCPO from Sunny San Diego, bitches on 01/16/09 at 04:11 PM ET
Nice, Monkey. I can’t picture a better scenario for such a facility as in that same basement with that douchenozzle, Maternowski.
Posted by clemshady from Greenwood, SC on 01/16/09 at 04:13 PM ET
Nope Sorry Cap’n. That was me quoting you, not Friedman.
Thanks, Chief. That is an honor.
Posted by CaptainDennisPolonich from Warm and sunny SoCal on 01/16/09 at 04:15 PM ET
You guys frigging rule. From Materfondlernowski’s comment section:
You signing renewing and using ink for a name with paper?
Posted by IwoCPO from Sunny San Diego, bitches on 01/16/09 at 04:18 PM ET
You guys frigging rule. From Materfondlernowski’s comment section:
You signing renewing and using ink for a name with paper?
You know, in a few years, something like that could most likely cause me to piss myself.
Posted by monkey from here to Timbuktu on 01/16/09 at 04:21 PM ET
Tow-Maternowski looks like he’s the face of the Douche -Brah generation minus the flipped up collar.
We’ve only seen the one picture. Don’t worry, I’m sure he’s worn many-a-polo shirt simultaneously with ALL of the collars popped. Probably all in “pastel” colors.
Posted by Nathan from the scoresheet! on 01/16/09 at 04:30 PM ET
You signing renewing and using ink for a name with paper?
That’s out-freakin-standing! Whoever posted that there, I’d love to buy you a beer or ten. Also, I love the posters name. Too funny.
Posted by clemshady from Greenwood, SC on 01/16/09 at 04:32 PM ET
We’ve only seen the one picture.
Materwackingoffnowski is also too poor to afford a bottle of fake tan to be a full-fledged, raging Douche-Brah.
Posted by SYF from a "Bron-Y-Aur Stomp" on 01/16/09 at 04:35 PM ET
How can ANYONE take Tow-Maternowski seriously…
“Mr. Maternowski also plays bass guitar for the Crazy Ivans, dances mambo for Sandunga Dance Company, and is married to his lovely wife. In his spare time, Mr. Maternowski enjoys oxygen, access to water, and shelter.”
Edit: He and his lovely wife life with senior Mr & Mrs Maternowski in the jackatorium room built into their basement. The younger Maternowskis are trying to produce offspring but lack the ability to fornicate as the younger Mr Maternowski’s lovely blow up bride can’t support his weight.
Posted by MOWingsfan19 on 01/16/09 at 04:48 PM ET
You may brace yourself if you want before I begin to punch you, for I
am a man of large stature
Posted by monkey from here to Timbuktu on 01/16/09 at 04:50 PM ET
You, Mr. Maternowski, have been placed on the ballot for the “Hall of Fame Jacatorium”. Which is to be built in the near future. Frontrunners appear to be Pittsburgh (with the Cindy, Gino worship) and Denver (with Borque, Floppa and Joey Sakic three finger salute). My money is on Denver because Thhom has offered to be “Masterbater of Ceremonies”.
Posted by calquake on 01/16/09 at 05:33 PM ET
You guys frigging rule. From Materfondlernowski’s comment section:
You signing renewing and using ink for a name with paper?
Posted by IwoCPO from Washington, DC on 01/16/09 at 04:18 PM ET
Sorry, I just had too. It’s too good a quote, the 19 must share this.
Posted by Dennis Dubay on 01/16/09 at 05:42 PM ET
This comment was pretty nice, too:
TheDuscheCanoe:
Get it right, Brah. It’s not superior positioning. It’s the wind giving them a little push from behind. Right…. there.
But overall ... what a bloody freaking moron. You can refute him practically point by point with logic. It’s pretty easy, actually.
They have no true enforcers.
Because they don’t play that style of game - and the rules have changed. Any so-called “enforcer” can’t be a liability on the ice, or a team is wasting a roster spot and cap space on a useless player. EVERYONE has to be worth his salary somehow.
They ‘skate lightly’.
It’s called “talent,” nimrod. I hear that those who are good at skating move lightly across the ice - that’s the difference between good skaters and incompetent schlubs.
Their forwards look ridiculous and out-of-place when they try to throw a jaw-shattering check.
That’s because they are trying to get the puck so they can score, which I have heard is the object of hockey games.
And an overly-physical team can beat them in a seven-game series: as long as the Stars, Ducks or Sharks play the way they can against the Wings, it’s unlikely Detroit will make it to a second-straight Cup Final.
As long as they can kill off all of the 497 penalties they take, and not get their players worn down to chewed off pencil nubs in the process, you may have a general point. As for specifics:
Stars: Make the playoffs first, sweetie. You lost in a shootout to the Coyotes after being held scoreless for 65 minutes. Right now beating the Red Wings is, for you, like the Tigers beating the Yankees during their epic losing year - small isolated islands of competent performance in a hostile ocean of suckitude.
Ducks: See above comment re: penalty killing. Also, they need Selanne back. And they are in the 7th spot this morning and hardly guaranteed of a playoff spot.
Sharks: He must have missed the 97 billion articles claiming that the Sharks play just like the Wings, but better. Hardly the major difference he is claiming.
Of course, last year the Wings’ opponents tried to out-skill the Wings rather than punch them in their fat Swedish faces, and the result was the 2008 Cakewalk to the Cup.
Point 1: Our Swede’s aren’t fat.
Point 2a: Every team tried to hit the Wings because that has been the “secret plan for success against Detroit” for the LAST DECADE PLUS - and the Cup banners say it doesn’t consistently work, idiots. But keep trying the same tired, old, largely ineffective strategy if you want.
Point 2b: Gary Roberts head shot. Real spark of leadership, right?
Point 3: It wasn’t a cakewalk, ass. Can you even spell “hockey” without spellcheck? Did you watch any of the games? At all? Because according to what you have just claimed, no one challenged Detroit at all, and I don’t recall four straight five-game series with a lot of blow-out wins.
Posted by Baroque from Michigan on 01/17/09 at 08:19 AM ET
Hey fellas! Sorry for finding this three months late, but I’m stoked you found my article so enjoyable! Really enjoyed the comments, but there is one point of contention I must make: never in my life have I ever sported the ‘popped collar’ look, nor have I ever lived in my parents’ basement (we just don’t have basements in Texas, the soil is too choppy).
I would’ve liked to see my Stars play the Wings in the playoffs this year, but alas, Dallas’ suckitude knew no bounds this season. Maybe next season: until then, I just don’t see anyone defeating the Wings this year. Not even close.
Hope I can continue to amuse and impress everyone here, despite my obvious hockey analysis deficiencies and unacceptable mugshot! Later gators
Todd Maternowski
http://www.pegasusnews.com
http://bobhockey.wordpress.com
Posted by Todd Maternowski from Dallas, TX on 04/24/09 at 12:03 PM ET
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I love the obsession with trying to beat the Wings rather than cheering on his own team to win. It’s like Maternowski is saying, “Who cares about my team winning or losing. I have a way to beat the Wings and that’s soooo much more important than my team. So let’s have a seat and show you my super-duper, failure-proof V to beat the Wings.”
Keep coming with those how-to-beat-the-Wings obsessions, Maternowski.
Posted by SYF from a "Bron-Y-Aur Stomp" on 01/16/09 at 03:24 PM ET