Abel to Yzerman
Next entry: Khan(!): Homer Feels "Way, Way Better"
Previous entry: Hey Bubba....It's a Frigging Live Blog
Your Doomsberry Playoff Primer
by IwoCPO on 03/31/08 at 07:39 AM ET
Comments (24)
We have a few days to kill before the next battle with another Sister from within the Division That Little Gary Built. In that span of time, I think it would be in all of our best interests if you pondered the pain--win or lose--that awaits us.
I was going to hold off posting our annual Doomsberry Playoff Primer until the first week of April or so. But, just now, I looked out the window, saw this image, and decided the time was, indeed, right.
A morning like this can only mean the postseason is near.
Official A2Y Pessimism Correspondent: Doomsberry
As the playoffs near it is always wise to prepare. Red Wing fans must realize that this is not the time of year to be enjoying the games. Without proper preparation each loss can be devastating, a gut wrenching experience which will take months to recover from. Please take a few minutes to ask yourself the following questions. The answers to these questions will determine your level of optimism and will indicate how prepared you are for the worst.
1.Do you look forward to the playoffs with anticipation that the Red Wings will do well?
2.Have you read that the Wings have been mentioned as a possible favorite to win
the Cup and do you believe in these predictions.
3.Do you study the seedings to determine who the Wings might face in the next round?
4.When the Wings are eliminated from the playoffs does it hit you with a crushing blow, staying with you for days, putting you in a foul mood, causing you to rant about Holland, the officiating, Gary Betman, and your sieve goalie?
5.Do you check out various forums and blogs looking for positive thoughts about the Wings after they lose a game during the playoffs?
6.Do you feel confident that the Wings due a Cup because it has been 5 years since they last won and that there is no way their bad luck can continue for 42 years?
7.Do you believe that some of the players on the Wings roster are “playoff performers” or “money players” and you have confidence that they will break loose during the playoffs?
8.Do you replay old Cup victories that you have recorded to get yourself pumped up and feeling confident about the team’s chances?
9.When you look at the playoff history of your team do you immediately go to 97, 98 and 2002 while refusing to look at the other years?
10.Do you intend to ride out this playoff season unprepared, refusing to stock your playoff bunker, brazenly refusing to board up the windows and getting the sandbags set, ignoring those storm clouds on the horizon?
If you answered yes to 3 or more of these questions you may be suffering from optimism. This can be a particularly dangerous condition during the playoffs. This affliction is correctable with a little effort. Below is a 5 step program which I feel may assist you:
1.Take a glass and put water into it until it has reached the halfway mark. Staring at the glass repeat 25 times “the glass is half empty”. This should become your mantra for the playoffs. If you still feel good about the Wings repeat this step.
2.Nervously study the roster of your opponent. Notice how many All-Stars they have, how much bigger they are than the Wings, how their goalie is a brick wall, and how many of their players are considered gritty, playoff type players.
3.Keep a close watch on the horizon. Any clouds appearing are a signal that doom is imminent. When you see a player leaving the ice slowly assume it is a season ending situation. When a shot hits the post assume that is the last good chance the Wings will have that night or that series. When the Wings have been in the offensive zone for the last 5 minutes and have been peppering the goalie to no avail, assume the next time the other team gets into the Wings zone their one shot from the point will be deflected by 2 sticks and a skate and will go into the net.
4.Invest in a Nostradamus book and read it carefully. This should put things into the proper prospective. Having a “the end is near” bumper sticker will solidify your outlook.
5. Always keep in mind that no hope today means less disappointment tomorrow. This is the pessimist creed. Live it, breathe it, and let it be your guide.
Following these simple 5 steps, along with having your playoff bunker properly stocked, will give you the helpless feelings that you need to get through the playoff season.
Filed in: | Abel to Yzerman | Permalink
Comments
if we’re healthy we have a great chance to get to the conference finals...that being said a goofy deflection in an ot game can change a lot of things.
Posted by rocketman from detroit on 03/31/08 at 07:59 AM ET
I still remember myself last year sitting in the lazyboy screaming obscenities at the top of my lungs as I pound the armrests, then sinking back and crying my eyes out, literally crying my eyes out. My children thought I was nuts. I now have an instant headache just thinking about another year going up in flames. Thanks for the memories. That glass is already filled ready to put out the fire.
Posted by TexasGirl from Austin, TX on 03/31/08 at 08:27 AM ET
This is too funny and all too true. Here I have been anxiously following games that are not the Wings but have a bearing on the 8th seed and I fret about the possibilities. I was furious last night because the Vancouver/Edmonton game was on NHLNetwork so I couldn’t watch that. Thanks Gary, ass.
Playoffs. Dread and excitement mixed together. I’m firmly aboard the stress train and I’m not getting off until....well, that remains to be seen.
Posted by hockeychic from Denver, CO on 03/31/08 at 08:36 AM ET
Sorry, that should have read Vancouver/Calgary. I have Edmonton on the brain lately. Maybe it is paranoia setting in.
Posted by hockeychic from Denver, CO on 03/31/08 at 08:38 AM ET
After careful consideration yesterday, and having been set straight by a few of you (my sincerest thanks, by the way), I have resigned myself to the fact that Bubba is more and more likely to be our first round punching bag. Vancouver won last night, and reclaimed the 8 seed for now, but combined with their remaining schedule and Nashville’s, the Canucks will falter and Nashville will sneak in at 8. Edmonton would worry me if it weren’t for the fact that they only have 2 games left and if they won them both, would probably get passed while sitting idle as the other two teams battling for 8th were finishing their respective seasons. Although I was ranting yesterday about not wanting Bubba in the playoffs, it wasn’t for fear of us losing, it was just a self-serving rant. I apologize to the other 18 readers in here and hope you guys can forgive me. We’ll play Bubba and win in 5 and go on our merry way to, hopefully, play whoever upsets Minnesota or Anaheim (unlikely) in the second round. And I’ll still be on the verge of a stroke at the ripe young age of 29, loving every minute of it!!
Posted by Chris from Columbia, Tennessee on 03/31/08 at 09:11 AM ET
Well done, Doomy! This should be published as the “A2Y Stress Train Manual”. I love the photograph!
Posted by w2j2 on 03/31/08 at 09:13 AM ET
Dear Dooms,
I am suffering from toohopefulitis, and have performed your recommended daily exercise of pouring hot coffee on my arms any time I have a positive thought about the team.
I have also sewn the Lions crest on my Manny Legace Wings jersey.
What else can I do?
Your escort to the gates of hell,
O-srt
Posted by Osrt on 03/31/08 at 09:35 AM ET
6. Don’t let the dog use your lucky rabbit’s foot or any other lucky talisman for a chew toy. Dog spit doesn’t enhance the luck-conducting properties.
7. Make sure the mute button on the remote is functioning properly in case you need to cut off any of the following (depending on broadcast):
Goal horns and crowd noise for scores by opponents.
Annoying opposing announcers who gloat - or just have high, squeaky voices.
Clueless announcers (either team) who don’t know what they are talking about.
Home announcers who flirt with danger by mentioning…
--how healthy the team is (as someone is guaranteed to promptly lose a leg),
--how the goaltender has a shutout going (as he is guaranteed to give up a natural hat trick to someone with the scoring prowess of Aaron Downey),
--what team will be the matchup for the next playoff round (the hockey gods punish those with the hubris of assuming a series is won before the final horn sounds on the fourth win).
NEVER ASSUME A WIN BEFORE TIME RUNS OUT!!
IT MAKES THE FATES ANGRY!!
8. Alternately, have the recall or last channel button on the remote set to ESPN2 and switch when things get scary, especially near the end of a period. Follow the ticker at the bottom of the screen and wait to switch back to the game channel after the intermission has safely arrived and the threat is (hopefully) over.
(Something with cooking or home repair/decorating also works to drop the blood pressure out of the red zone before going back to the game.)
9. Keep comfort food close at hand to ease the impact of emotional stress on the system and promote good mental health. Cheese is a good option (no lie), as is chocolate. In fact, skip the chocolate that has to be unwrapped, because it takes too long - just leave hot fudge sauce in the fridge and eat it directly from the jar with a spoon.
Those are my ideas. 
Posted by Baroque from Michigan on 03/31/08 at 09:48 AM ET
I have also sewn the Lions crest on my Manny Legace Wings jersey.
That, my friend, is going too far. We still want the Wings to win, after all…
I can see it now, though. The Wings are down 3-1 in the conference finals and Huds, Kopecky, and Sammy hold their own Jon-Kitna-Prayer-Circle. Their sticks are blessed before game 5 and they rotate scoring hat tricks through the Western Conference and Stanley Cup Finals.
Then again, maybe you’re on to something…
Posted by Incognetis from Exile in Alabama on 03/31/08 at 09:51 AM ET
What else can I do?
Listen to Pierre Mcguire. He is very concerned about the Wings - and thinks either the Penguins or the Rangers (probably Rangers) will win the Cup this year.
Or, just listen to any MSM hockey people.
“The Wings are too old.”
“The Wings are too injured.”
“Their goaltending is iffy.”
“They don’t have balanced scoring.”
“They are prone to early round flops.”
“Anaheim is tougher.”
“San Jose is bigger and better.”
“The Wings are too small.”
“They don’t have enough fighting majors.”
“The Western conference is too tough.”
“The Wings don’t have enough grit.”
Pretty soon you will be convinced that the Red Wings would lose to a collge team - and not one of the Frozen Four teams, either, but a mediocre college team.
Posted by Baroque from Michigan on 03/31/08 at 09:54 AM ET
Thanks W2! Appreciate the compliment.
O-srt - I must say, I have never recommended self-mutilization. You cannot treat optimism by training yourself like one of Pavlov’s dogs (who Nashville fans think is one of our Russian forwards). I think the fact that you actually own a Legace jersey would indicate that you tried to prepare for the worst. Adding the Lions crest was a nice touch and should effectively eliminate any shred of postive thinking. As for what else you can do, I would start by watching tapes of Ellis playing goal for Nashville over his last 3 games. If that doesn’t help check out the Sharks last 20 games. I fear this will help put you in the proper frame of mind.
Posted by Doomsberry on 03/31/08 at 10:03 AM ET
Did McCarty play yesterday?
Let’s take a poll. On how much McCarty has played the past two games, are you…
A - surprised, thought he would play more
B - surprised, thought he would play less
C - not surprised, seems about right
And why?
I for one expected him to get substantial ice time to really see what he’s got. Maybe Babs won’t do that until the Pres Trophy is locked up.
Posted by PaulinMiamiBeach on 03/31/08 at 10:20 AM ET
I think the fact that you actually own a Legace jersey would indicate that you tried to prepare for the worst.
I can trump that. I still have a Primeau jersey hanging in the closet!
Posted by PaulinMiamiBeach on 03/31/08 at 10:24 AM ET
Not only did San Jose win again last night, but they were resting some guys in preparation for the playoffs.
Not only will they enter the post-season on a long hot streak, but they will be confident, healthy, and bright-eyed and bushy-tailed - like a squirrel right before it gets hit by a car.
Posted by Baroque from Michigan on 03/31/08 at 10:41 AM ET
like a squirrel right before it gets hit by a car.
lol
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
pulled the heart out of my Joe Thorton voodoo doll: a sacrifice to the make-analogy-come-true gods
Posted by Osrt on 03/31/08 at 10:48 AM ET
lol
At a shark with a bushy tail getting hit by a car? 
If my metaphors are this mixed already, the playoffs are going to be a zoological imagery disaster.
Posted by Baroque from Michigan on 03/31/08 at 11:04 AM ET
The Sharks do not worry me, I’m not sure why, but they don’t. It’s the Poultry, the Pond Scum of Anaheim that give me the chills and send me into rocking back and forth with my knees in towards my chest.
Of course, that would be looking ahead and I’m not going to do that in case the Hockey Gods are listening.
Oh yeah and Pierre MacGuire can bite it for all I’m concerned. I’m tired of the “Wings lose in the first round all the time” line. I guess a WCF appearance doesn’t win you any respect with the MSM.
Posted by hockeychic from Denver, CO on 03/31/08 at 12:57 PM ET
PIERRE MCGUIRE IS A TOOL!!
Posted by Chris from Columbia, Tennessee on 03/31/08 at 01:02 PM ET
Oh yeah and Pierre MacGuire can bite it for all I’m concerned.
PIERRE MCGUIRE IS A TOOL!!
That’s why I was flabbergasted that Mike Milbury was making more sense on some intermission segment yesterday. (I had it on for background noise, because it was another tiresome Crosby-fest.)
Milbury picked his top three teams to win the Cup (they had some cutesy name for it, but essestially that’s what he was doing) and he chose the Sharks, Ducks, and Wings.
Pierre argued that the goaltending in Detroit is shaky (I would argue injured, which is different), they have unbalanced scoring (I guess he hasn’t noticed that Franzen can be moved from one line to another, Cleary is back from injury, and Filppula has 19 goals), and that they piled up the points against the weak Central division.
Now I can talk out of my a** and get away with it because I don’t even pretend to have any standing as a journalist - but I’d think that a professional would have taken 30 seconds to look up the numbers for the Wings against the rest of the division and see that wherever they were piling up the points, it wasn’t there. That’s just being an empty-headed high-volume waste of carbon.
(And he thought the Rangers would win because they have elite-level goaltending and defense, so I guess he didn’t look up the numbers for goals allowed, either. Dork.)
Posted by Baroque from Michigan on 03/31/08 at 01:47 PM ET
I can trump that. I still have a Primeau jersey hanging in the closet!
Sorry, Paul… My closet has a Coffey sweater hanging in it.
Posted by Cwix from Roanoke, VA on 03/31/08 at 01:58 PM ET
Optimist? Pessimist? *#$%@& that. I’m a realist. The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don’t possess it. But I don’t cry and get fetal when things go balls-up. I get angry. And when I get angry, Hummel figurines DIE!
(And I tend to try to take action, which is why I despise the absolute powerlessness I have over major league sports that have such a capacity to affect me.)
Sports journalists can profess to be ekspurts and say whatever idiotic things they want to say. If any of the teams out there are dumb enough to listen to them and believe them, they can underestimate us at their own risk. Won’t keep me from stressing though, because something’s always wrong. I’ll just continue to slug down coffee, grimly keep watching the bleak wasteland roll by, and wait for the next piece of bad news.
Posted by AndrewFromAnnArbor from the war room, sharpening the long knives on 03/31/08 at 02:24 PM ET
are you all teenagers?
Where did all the Klima and Dugay jerseys go?
Posted by HockeyTownTodd from upset when blogs don’t live up to my expectations on 03/31/08 at 04:17 PM ET
definition:
ex = has-been
spurt = a drip
So an “expert” is a little drip that didn’t make it.
(And loses out in predictive ability to a monkey.)
Posted by Baroque from Michigan on 03/31/08 at 04:18 PM ET
Add a Comment
Please limit embedded image or media size to 575 pixels wide.
Add your own avatar by joining Kukla's Korner, or logging in and uploading one in your member control panel.
Captchas bug you? Join KK or log in and you won't have to bother.
Most Recent Blog Posts
Create Your Own Headline For The Wings/Habs Live Blog
Mellow Is The Man Who Hosts About 120 Live Blogs Per Year
“Faux”…Interesting. Do You Use “Faux”?
Detroit Media: Zero Outrage. Fedorov? Plenty
Well Gary? Your League Is A Joke
Gambling In Havana? Hiding In Honduras? Dad? Get Me To A Live Blog…STAT
About Abel to Yzerman
Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977. No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y. Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation. There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature. Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome:
A2Y Stuff
-----------------------------
Wanna Feel Smart?
Does confusion make you sad? When you read words like "enigma" and phrases like "Thanks Gary. Ass", do you wonder why mean people speak in languages you don't understand? Fret no longer friend! The A2Y Glossary will bring you great joy and enlightenment.
-----------------------------
How Others View The A2Y 19
"Hell, I guarantee the content co-opters at Abel to Yzerman were about to link this article under the heading “Bitter Blues Fans” again right up until they just read that last half-sentance. Thanks but no thanks, you Kukla hangers-on."
--St. Louis Game Time
"I realize it’s the slow summer season, but can this guy tone down the tough-guy histrionics? His posts are fatiguing on an otherwise excellent site."
--A2Y Fan, Eternal_Fields
"I constantly marvel at how Bill (IwoCPO) and his disciples at Abel To Yzerman can be so pompous and full of themselves throughout every regular season, but come playoff time they collapse into wavering puddles of stress and nervousness as they anxiously await the impending and unavoidable collapse of the Red Wings in the post-season."
--Mile High Hockey
"I hate them because they are better than us. Of all the frigging teams…"
--In The Cheap Seats
"It's just a shame that the most classless, uneducated, lowbrow fanbase in the league gets this sweep. Red Wing fans don't deserve their team."
--Thhom
"I really don’t care what fans or bloggers think."
--Drew Sharp
"Why is it you Detroit fans are still so classless when you have such a classy hockey team, with such a professional GM and gentlemen players? I understand that the author of this blog is a manner-less cad, but the rest of you should be better."
--A2Y Fan, Jeff Beaumont
"Have you ever *read* A2Y? Its the most opinionated, juvenile stuff i've read."
--Paul Nicholson
"I actually like the Detroit team and have a sh&% load of respect for them, but their fans are the biggest douches next to Canadians."
--KStewy, PensBlog Commenter
"Just when it looks like we have bottomed out, the 19 hit a new low."
-A2Y legend, Hockeytown Todd
"And for the record, I don't hate the Red Wings, I hate their fans."
--Douche Bag at Puck Daddy who isn't Wyshynski
"You’re nothing but a douchebag ****, c3po. Go f**k yourself, and learn something about hockey in the process. Nothing ruins my day more than seeing your byline on the kk page."
--Hector, A2Y fan, statesman, Pittsburgh Chapter of Jonas Brothers Fan Club President
"I can just imagine the kindergarten teacher’s reaction when the tyke blurts out 'Mommy says Gary Bettman is a f*cking f*ckface! He wants to give ‘Rosby the bad touch.' ”
--Bella, of the 19
"A2Y is what other blog sites aspire to be when they fail to grow up: intelligent immaturity for the juvenile genius set”
--Captain Dennis Polonich, of the 19
Head to Hockeytown
Blogs the Chief Likes
Haha. It’s funny ‘cus it’s true…
Posted by Matt Saler from Grand Rapids, MI on 03/31/08 at 07:22 AM ET