Abel to Yzerman
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An Ode To A Mule And An Ass
by VooX on 03/18/10 at 02:10 PM ET
Comments (82)
I have finally recovered from the past two days of celebration. St. Patrick’s last night, and more importantly, celebrating all day Tuesday following the Wings’ biggest win of the season. My pants just got tight thinking about it. I am hung like a kitten, and wear tight pants, but I swear I can almost see a bulge. All due to the Wings and specifically Holmstrom’s glorious ass.
Before I wax poetic about the posterior of an Angry Chipmunk, allow me to once again declare man-love for Franzen.
Since his return to the lineup, the Wings have been unstoppable. We have two lines which are scoring threats and our PP is on fire. Ten games in a row with at least one PP goal. The sort of production we haven’t seen in a long, long time.
There I go again, trying my best to make a bulge in my pants.
The team that Tick-Tock built has a delicate chemistry. When the majority of its components are in place, we play with the intensity of thermite. Not even steel can resist the onslaught of hot fire of the Red Wings chemistry. But when an ingredient is missing, like the Mule, the Angry Chipmunk, or The Perfect Human, we are inert. Like Rosby without Iginla Viagra, we can’t get up for the big game.
This was Li’l Gary’s plan. Without the salary cap, Tick Tock could plug the holes in the lineup. With the salary cap, the 19 drink grain alcohol and pray to imaginary gods to stay healthy. That’s how Gramps went blind, mixing too much moonshine and voodoo back in the 70’s.
Of course injuries are a common problem in the NHL’s version of hockey Calvinball. And with the league inconsistent on what is and what is not a suspendable offense, the NHL has become a twisted game of Russian Roulette, and more players are bound to get injured, like tonight in the Boston - Pittsburgh game. Thanks Gary. Ass.
Speaking of asses, there is one ass which I’d like to put upon a pedestal. Tomas Holmstrom’s ass. The single greatest thing to ever fill a pair of hockey pants.
If it was possible to provide maidens to lick his ass nightly, I would get it done. If the maidens aren’t available, we may have to send Triple Deke Tyler. Have you heard about this:
I want Tomas Holmstrom to sit on my face.
Get in fauxing line, bitch. There is no way you get access to hockey’s greatest screen without security clearance, scrubbing with lye, and waiting in line. The demand and need for security is that high.
We’ve been throwing around the idea of Homer in the HHOF for a while now, and last game was no exception. What he does is so unique and so brutally effective, I believe Homer has changed the way the game is played. Instead of taking his stick/equipment for display, they should bronze his ass. You don’t even need to enlarge it, as its presence is enough to eclipse the view of anyone standing near it. His ass is that special, and I really fauxing dig it.
Homer and his ass may be sticking around a while longer. The Emperor has this story where the FNG talked to our Angry Chipmunk:
“Detroit has been so good to me over the years,” said Holmstrom, who will be an unrestricted free agent after this season. “I have been fortunate to be part of four Stanley Cup teams here. I want to stay here and finish my career here.”
General manager Ken Holland feels the same way. He’s already had one brief conversation with Holmstrom’s agent, Howard Gourwitz. Holmstrom said he would consider anything from a one-year to a three-year deal.
Amazing stuff. Anywhere from a one-year to a three-year deal means that Homer is onboard and talking the language Tick Tock needs to hear. Whatever it takes, he’ll be here for us. All Tick Tock has to do is make him a fair offer. And I really dig that, too.
I may not be the only one who is almost bulging in the pants about seeing more of Homer and his beautiful ass. Check this out from our friend Animal Drew:
Interesting. I may not agree, but I can dig that too.
Filed in: | Abel to Yzerman | Permalink
Comments
You guys are gonna run out of numbers.
Posted by Flashtastick56 from Milford, CT on 03/18/10 at 02:17 PM ET
In case any of you haven’t seen it over at Nightmare on Helm Street, I’d like to echo Twig’s sentiments with this beautiful comment:
save the rafters for the elites, but honor the grinders and role players. i say we should put a statue of holmstrom in front of something important, like the bathroom. that way at intermission when you really gotta go, you’re saying “damn you, holmstrom! get out of the way! someone move this guy!” that way, his legend will live on and on…
Nothing would be more perfect and fitting for Homer than to be honored thusly.
Posted by J.J. from Kansas on 03/18/10 at 02:18 PM ET
The very few numbers that have been retired have set a precedent for having a very high threshold to retire a jersey.
The only current Wing that meets that threshold is TPH.
Posted by CaptainDennisPolonich from Warm and sunny SoCal on 03/18/10 at 02:21 PM ET
Interesting. I may not agree, but I can dig that too.
It’s never going to happen for any of those 4. Draper & Homer are fine with the rings and being one of the guys… Feds opted out of being “one of the guys”.... Ozzie well… I’ll just shutty until I see him hit the STFU switch this year.
Posted by MOWingsfan19 on 03/18/10 at 02:21 PM ET
You guys are gonna run out of numbers.
Yup. Especially after 13 and 40 go up in 2022.
Posted by MarkK from Maryland on 03/18/10 at 02:24 PM ET
The very few numbers that have been retired have set a precedent for having a very high threshold to retire a jersey.
The only current Wing that meets that threshold is TPH.
This is all true, if you want to be “realistic”.
Posted by MarkK from Maryland on 03/18/10 at 02:25 PM ET
FYI anyone on Facebook:
Hackers have flooded the Internet with virus-tainted spam that targets Facebook’s estimated 400 million users in an effort to steal banking passwords and gather other sensitive information.
The emails tell recipients that the passwords on their Facebook accounts have been reset, urging them to click on an attachment to obtain new login credentials, according to anti-virus software maker McAfee Inc.
If the attachment is opened, it downloads several types of malicious software, including a program that steals passwords, McAfee said on Wednesday.
Hackers have long targeted Facebook users, sending them tainted messages via the social networking company’s own internal email system. With this new attack, they are using regular Internet email to spread their malicious software.
A Facebook spokesman said the company could not comment on the specific case, but pointed to a status update the company posted on its web site earlier on Wednesday warning users about the spoofed email and advising users to delete the email and to warn their friends.
McAfee estimates that hackers sent out tens of millions of spam across Europe, the United States and Asia since the campaign began on Tuesday.
Dave Marcus, McAfee’s director of malware research and communications, said that he expects the hackers will succeed in infecting millions of computers.
“With Facebook as your lure, you potentially have 400 million people that can click on the attachment. If you get 10 percent success, that’s 40 million,” he said.
The email’s subject line says “Facebook password reset confirmation customer support,” according to Marcus.
Posted by Wings_Fan_In_KC from ...somewhere southwest of The Motor City... on 03/18/10 at 02:43 PM ET
Tomorrow’s game can’t come soon enough. I’m in withdrawal.
Posted by Wings_Fan_In_KC from ...somewhere southwest of The Motor City... on 03/18/10 at 02:45 PM ET
Get in fauxing line, bitch. There is no way you get access to hockey’s greatest screen without security clearance, scrubbing with lye, and waiting in line. The demand and need for security is that high
I’ll see how this goes on April 3rd. I have a friend who graced Brent and I with a couple of VIP passes to get autographs and such after the game. I’ve never been a big memorabilia guy, so I’ve never met any of the current players or been to any signings or whatever. Also, I’ve always had this repressed fear of meeting one of my heroes and finding out that they’re a douche (although on second thought, Homer could be a complete prick to me and I’d still want to birth his manbabies… so nevermind). When all is done I hope I just don’t spontaneously pee on somebody.
Posted by Triple Deke Tyler from Lansing on 03/18/10 at 02:46 PM ET
If you’re going to bronze Holmstrom’s ass and put it in the hall of fame, I can think of no better place than blocking than right in front of Roy’s bust.
Posted by Stevis on 03/18/10 at 03:00 PM ET
Don’t know if anyone’s suggested this yet but how about a “ring of honor” at the Joe (or new stadium if it ever gets built) for players like Draper and Homer who don’t get their numbers hung but are nevertheless integral parts of the Red Wings? D-Mac would also fall into that category as well as other players.
Posted by calquake from somewhere between Eeyore and Happy Pony on 03/18/10 at 03:11 PM ET
Captqin Dennis:
Need your email address, have something you might get a kick out of.
hockeytowntodd at hotmail dot com
Posted by HockeyTownTodd on 03/18/10 at 03:34 PM ET
I’ll see how this goes on April 3rd. I have a friend who graced Brent and I with a couple of VIP passes to get autographs and such after the game. I’ve never been a big memorabilia guy, so I’ve never met any of the current players or been to any signings or whatever. Also, I’ve always had this repressed fear of meeting one of my heroes and finding out that they’re a douche (although on second thought, Homer could be a complete prick to me and I’d still want to birth his manbabies… so nevermind). When all is done I hope I just don’t spontaneously pee on somebody.
Posted by Triple Deke Tyler from Lansing on 03/18/10 at 03:46 PM ET
Bring a bucket of plaster and see if you can get Homer to sit in it. I have 5 bucks says he does.
Posted by 42jeff from Minot, North Dakota on 03/18/10 at 03:40 PM ET
Just for perspective of 13 more games. Any Fauxing thang can still happen.
Go back to “Game 59, Return of The Mule”, and see the Wings smack dab in the middle of The Peloton of Suck, 2 behind CGY, barely ahead of DAL and ANA and MIN. We’ve created some vertical space between us and The POS now.
It is virtually over for the remaining POS teams now. MIN would have to earn 22/26 possible points to get to 96, for instance.
Is this the 8 game win streak? I’d settle for 5, OTL, and 5 more wins.
Posted by RWBill from the Land of 12 in 12. on 03/18/10 at 04:06 PM ET
VooX - correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t you the same person who scolded me for posting “gay stuff” (Homer P’shopped on the Hedgehog) on a hockey blog?
You, um, win.
Posted by TeamDub from The gratch. on 03/18/10 at 04:10 PM ET
So uh…why not go for that 100 point season? 
Posted by mrfluffy from Long Beach on 03/18/10 at 04:10 PM ET
Bring a bucket of plaster and see if you can get Homer to sit in it. I have 5 bucks says he does.
Posted by 42jeff from Minot, North Dakota on 03/18/10 at 04:40 PM ET
that is hilarious. then it could be bronzed and put on display in the hallway around the JLA, next to the statue of Gordie Howe.
“Homer’s Ass, the last thing seen by dozens of goaltenders just before exiting the playoffs.”
Posted by RWBill from the Land of 12 in 12. on 03/18/10 at 04:16 PM ET
Ahh yes…
(Oh, and it’s “Maidens, not Maiden’s. You’re welcome.)
Posted by TeamDub from The gratch. on 03/18/10 at 04:16 PM ET
So uh…why not go for that 100 point season? smile
Posted by mrfluffy from Cincy on 03/18/10 at 05:10 PM ET
I said that a couple of days ago, it’s not ridiculously impossible anymore although just recently seemed absurd to consider.
I forget what their record would have to be but— 20/26 .769. That’s not impossible.
9-2-2 = 20/26
Posted by RWBill from the Land of 12 in 12. on 03/18/10 at 04:21 PM ET
Wonder if the Wiz suspension is meant to get noticed in Beantown tonight, 7 PM.
Matt Cooke, from hunter to hunted; there will be blood.
Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 03/18/10 at 04:25 PM ET
Posted by TeamDub from The gratch. on 03/18/10 at 05:16 PM ET
Welcome man. A little too humorless, unimaginative, and altogether too serious in this Beyotch when you’re not around! bitches be takin’ ourselves too seriously.
I know, I know, stop kissing ass.
Posted by RWBill from the Land of 12 in 12. on 03/18/10 at 04:38 PM ET
Khan(!) has some news from the Wings last day at Kelowna:
The Red Wings skated with the same lines and defense pairings they used on Wednesday, so nothing has changed. Babcock has not said if he will start Chris Osgood on Saturday. He might wait to see how Howard fares and feels after Friday’s game because making a decision. He has used Howard on both ends of two back-to-back situations this season. He must also take into consideration that they will host Pittsburgh on Monday and they typically don’t fare well in the first game back from a Western road trip.
The Oilers have a slew of injuries. Goaltender Nikolai Khabibulin (back), forwards Alex Hemsky (shoulder) and J.F. Jacques (back) and Ryan Jones (knee), and defensemen Sheldon Souray (hand) and Ladislav Smid (neck) are out. Forwards Mike Comrie (undisclosed) and Patrick O’Sullivan (finger) are questionable for Friday’s game (9:30 p.m., FSN).
The Oilers, however, are 2-0 against the Red Wings.
Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 03/18/10 at 04:42 PM ET
The Oilers, however, are 2-0 against the Red Wings.
So without our help, they would have 45 points on the season?
Posted by MarkK from Maryland on 03/18/10 at 04:47 PM ET
If nothing else, there’s been a lack of p-shops round here with O-Joe gone, Dub and Gabe not around much… just kinda stating my observations. Then again, we’ve all been puckered tighter than a nun at the AVN Porn Awards.
Posted by MOWingsfan19 on 03/18/10 at 05:09 PM ET
Interesting. I may not agree, but I can dig that too.
No to all of them. If you have to convince someone that a number should be retired, it should not. But of course, it will take a lot of time before anyone wears #33, and we’ll never see another #96 (just like 16).
Also, I’ve always had this repressed fear of meeting one of my heroes and finding out that they’re a douche
That sucks. It happened to me when I was 9, I went to the Corinthians’ practice field and my then-idol didn’t even lowered his car windows so I could see him. After that, a guy I didn’t care for came and hugged me, gave me a team jersey and walked my family around the field. Great guy.
Posted by Guilherme from Brazsil on 03/18/10 at 05:36 PM ET
Children by the millions will miss Alex Chilton. Rip Alex.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wD9mCp8SifM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNKSs1J38EA
Posted by CaptainDennisPolonich from Warm and sunny SoCal on 03/18/10 at 05:54 PM ET
first class stuff there VooX, your best post yet,you had me laughing,nodding my head with approval,everything
Homer in the HHOF? we wish,offcourse,but the NHL is a dumbass bitch most of the time,he did revolutionise the game,and is by far the best at what he does,an he loves it.
But for next season,if things go right,and we dont have problems with making the playoffs,uncle Mike will have to play him selectivly,let him rest some games,to keep him healthy for the playoffs,the same with TPH,no need to wear out your veteran aces before real games start.
The Mule? he is that good,Yzerman named him,is there anything left to be said.
now, I’ll watch the Bruins-Penis game,just to see if the hype lives up.Every Bruins player that can should invite Cooke for a fight every shift he plays,even if there is 10 fights,screw that moron
Posted by edillac from isolation on 03/18/10 at 05:58 PM ET
But for next season,if things go right,and we dont have problems with making the playoffs,uncle Mike will have to play him selectivly,let him rest some games,to keep him healthy for the playoffs,the same with TPH,no need to wear out your veteran aces before real games start.
I’m not so sure about that. Homer said himself in an interview that he was worried about how this season was going to go, since he’s getting older. he actually started doing a completely different workout - mainly working with lighter weights…and said it did wonders. he feels fresher and healthier (aside from taking a puck off a bone) than he has in years.
I hope a lot of the players take notice of this. there IS such a thing as OVER training.
Posted by PaulinMiamiBeach on 03/18/10 at 06:00 PM ET
“Homer’s Ass, the last thing seen by dozens of goaltenders just before exiting the playoffs.”
Posted by RWBill from Back aboard the Hasek. on 03/18/10 at 05:16 PM ET
YES
Posted by edillac from isolation on 03/18/10 at 06:19 PM ET
Cooke vs Thornton : Thornton didnt want to let go,great,I bet we’ll see more of this
Posted by edillac from isolation on 03/18/10 at 06:23 PM ET
great post.
Homer for the Hall.
when he retires, we should seriously make t-shirts and a website and start a full on underground movement to get Thomas Holmstrom in the Hall of Fame. He absolutely deserves it. He was the BEST player in all of hockey through his entire career, if not ever, at his role. The BEST. i mean, they let announcers into the hall of fame, they sure don’t have the point totals to deserve it. Homer continues to be the best at his ripe old age and as I posted the other day, if you could somehow go back and tally up every goal he directly or indirectly affected by camping in front of the net and give him an assist for each, he’d probably be in the top twenty of all time. His stats just don’t even begin to represent his contributions.
Homer for the Hall.
Posted by perfection from LaLaLand on 03/18/10 at 06:25 PM ET
Let’s take it one game at a time.
Posted by HockeyTownTodd from the “NOT QUITE DEAD PIRATE” on 03/18/10 at 01:41 PM ET
Great idea. You can tell this was one of those times my mind was racing. That isn’t hard, there isn’t much up there to slow it down.
Posted by RWBill from the Land of 12 in 12. on 03/18/10 at 06:46 PM ET
Is anyone else besides me finding it amusing how the Blackhawks ‘d’ men are going down like flies just before the playoffs? Especially after what Patrick Sharp did to the perfect human last year during the playoffs (shot to the onions). Don’t get me wrong, I don’t wish a head shot or a cheap hit on anyone (except for maybe a few of the Poultry or former Poultry). But sometimes karma just works it’s magic.
Posted by RayRay from Chicago on 03/18/10 at 06:47 PM ET
Ahh yes…
And TeamDub… stop that homo-erotic photoshop nonsense. There are appropriate places for that, and it certainly isn’t here. Keep that crap at Pen(i)sblog.
(Oh, and it’s “Maidens, not Maiden’s. You’re welcome.)
Fixed, thanks.
And about the other comment, that picture looked a bit too much like the dude they post at Pen(i)sblog, so I assumed it was the same gay shit.
If you want to wax poetic about the Angry Chipmunk’s ass, or the Perfect Human’s balls… that’s cool and not gay. Everyone who is a Wings fan loves Homer’s ass and TPH, well, he’s just perfect.
Posted by VooX from Behind the Bar in the Hasek Club Car on 03/18/10 at 06:50 PM ET
The Oilers have a slew of injuries. Goaltender Nikolai Khabibulin (back), forwards Alex Hemsky (shoulder) and J.F. Jacques (back) and Ryan Jones (knee), and defensemen Sheldon Souray (hand) and Ladislav Smid (neck) are out. Forwards Mike Comrie (undisclosed) and Patrick O’Sullivan (finger) are questionable for Friday’s game (9:30 p.m., FSN).
Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 19 on 03/18/10 at 05:42 PM ET
This has all the makings of that HTT SuckFest he’s been talking aboat.
Posted by RWBill from the Land of 12 in 12. on 03/18/10 at 06:51 PM ET
Although there have been hundreds of Odes To Homer’s Ass, that was the best one, v00x! (w00t!).
Posted by RWBill from the Land of 12 in 12. on 03/18/10 at 06:54 PM ET
just saw this on some forum,from some swedish guy :
“Detroit the hottest option for Zuccarello Aasen”
It’s the small (5’7) skilled guy from norway that was their best player in the vancouver olympics and won the scoring title in the SEL this season. It says detroit and a few other teams have contacted him and his agent says detroit would be the best option based on how they play etc. He is a free agent that can sign anywhere he wants much like ville leino 2 years ago.
In the Olympics he was extremely impressive.. the way Yzerman was talking about him during those games indicates that the Wings have a real interest in him.
oh,and,Bruins suck, I remember Chief raving about them coming to the SCF this season,no way,they are in the same league as Dicks,Wild,Rangazz
Posted by edillac from isolation on 03/18/10 at 07:11 PM ET
Preds score , 1-0 with 12:53 left in 1st against Wild.
Posted by stonehands-78 from the beginning ... a WingsFan, on 03/18/10 at 07:21 PM ET
I say the Redwings put his legs and ass over the visitor’s locker room exit. they have to pass through him to get to the ice, and the last thing they see before hitting the ice is “Homer’s Ass.”. suggest that someone get going on a song dedication by that title.
Posted by gunnar from ada, mi on 03/18/10 at 07:22 PM ET
Nash up 2-0, 9:56 to go in 1st
Posted by stonehands-78 from the beginning ... a WingsFan, on 03/18/10 at 07:27 PM ET
The Oilers have a slew of injuries. Goaltender Nikolai Khabibulin (back), forwards Alex Hemsky (shoulder) and J.F. Jacques (back) and Ryan Jones (knee), and defensemen Sheldon Souray (hand) and Ladislav Smid (neck) are out. Forwards Mike Comrie (undisclosed) and Patrick O’Sullivan (finger) are questionable for Friday’s game (9:30 p.m., FSN).
To put this in context: in two Edmonton wins against the Wings this year, these guys have combined for five regulation goals and a shootout winner.
Posted by Lola from down by the bay on 03/18/10 at 07:34 PM ET
To put this in context: in two Edmonton wins against the Wings this year, these guys have combined for five regulation goals and a shootout winner.
Posted by Lola from down by the bay on 03/18/10 at 08:34 PM ET
Context to include a tall glass of shut that…...... umm.. mouth.
Posted by MOWingsfan19 on 03/18/10 at 07:39 PM ET
Preds up 3-0, end of 1st.
thanks “The Mild”
Posted by stonehands-78 from the beginning ... a WingsFan, on 03/18/10 at 07:44 PM ET
4-0
17:30 to go in 2nd
Posted by stonehands-78 from the beginning ... a WingsFan, on 03/18/10 at 08:04 PM ET
Good find edilac.
5’7, 161 lbs
Assets: Fantastic technical skills and great passing ability. Can finish with ablomb. A magician who can do spectacular things with the puck. Great vision and can man the power play point. Defensively responsible and doesn’t mind heavy traffic.
Flaws: Size and strength. Not a great physical player.
2009-2010 MODO Elitserien 55g/p, 23 g, 41a, 64 pts 62 pim
Jiri Hudler II?
Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 03/18/10 at 08:23 PM ET
Nash 5-0 in 3rd with ...
... oh, nevermind.
Posted by stonehands-78 from the beginning ... a WingsFan, on 03/18/10 at 09:10 PM ET
This has all the makings of that HTT SuckFest he’s been talking aboat.
Posted by RWBill
I’d rather be wrong about that, and still rooting for the Wings.
Jiri Hudler II?
Posted by Jeff OKWingnut
Sounds more like the Marcel Dionne that Bruce Norris ran out of town.
Posted by HockeyTownTodd on 03/18/10 at 09:23 PM ET
The announcers LOVED Aasen at the Olympics. He was a waterbug out there, all over the place. Made me think of a more high-risk version of Tatar…
Posted by Primis on 03/18/10 at 09:39 PM ET
As much as part of me expects a no show tomorrow, I have a feeling we may see a legit performance and be ok.
Posted by stayouttamalibu from Temporarily in Tempe, AZ on 03/18/10 at 09:52 PM ET
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With franzen back out power play has started to pick up a little and our Penalty kill has remained up there with 42 of 45 i think they said in the last 15 games. Even though our offense is no where near it was last few years det is playing the way they need to too win games over even best of teams.
Posted by Arb from west michigan on 03/18/10 at 02:15 PM ET