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Abel to Yzerman

An Ode To A Mule And An Ass

by VooX on 03/18/10 at 03:10 PM ET
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I have finally recovered from the past two days of celebration.  St. Patrick’s last night, and more importantly, celebrating all day Tuesday following the Wings’ biggest win of the season.  My pants just got tight thinking about it.  I am hung like a kitten, and wear tight pants, but I swear I can almost see a bulge.  All due to the Wings and specifically Holmstrom’s glorious ass.

Before I wax poetic about the posterior of an Angry Chipmunk, allow me to once again declare man-love for Franzen.

Since his return to the lineup, the Wings have been unstoppable.  We have two lines which are scoring threats and our PP is on fire.  Ten games in a row with at least one PP goal.  The sort of production we haven’t seen in a long, long time.

There I go again, trying my best to make a bulge in my pants.

The team that Tick-Tock built has a delicate chemistry.  When the majority of its components are in place, we play with the intensity of thermite.  Not even steel can resist the onslaught of hot fire of the Red Wings chemistry.  But when an ingredient is missing, like the Mule, the Angry Chipmunk, or The Perfect Human, we are inert.  Like Rosby without Iginla Viagra, we can’t get up for the big game.

This was Li’l Gary’s plan.  Without the salary cap, Tick Tock could plug the holes in the lineup.  With the salary cap, the 19 drink grain alcohol and pray to imaginary gods to stay healthy.  That’s how Gramps went blind, mixing too much moonshine and voodoo back in the 70’s.

Of course injuries are a common problem in the NHL’s version of hockey Calvinball.  And with the league inconsistent on what is and what is not a suspendable offense, the NHL has become a twisted game of Russian Roulette, and more players are bound to get injured, like tonight in the Boston - Pittsburgh game.  Thanks Gary.  Ass.

Speaking of asses, there is one ass which I’d like to put upon a pedestal.  Tomas Holmstrom’s ass.  The single greatest thing to ever fill a pair of hockey pants.

If it was possible to provide maidens to lick his ass nightly, I would get it done.  If the maidens aren’t available, we may have to send Triple Deke Tyler.  Have you heard about this:

I want Tomas Holmstrom to sit on my face.

Get in fauxing line, bitch.  There is no way you get access to hockey’s greatest screen without security clearance, scrubbing with lye, and waiting in line.  The demand and need for security is that high.

We’ve been throwing around the idea of Homer in the HHOF for a while now, and last game was no exception.  What he does is so unique and so brutally effective, I believe Homer has changed the way the game is played.  Instead of taking his stick/equipment for display, they should bronze his ass.  You don’t even need to enlarge it, as its presence is enough to eclipse the view of anyone standing near it.  His ass is that special, and I really fauxing dig it.

Homer and his ass may be sticking around a while longer.  The Emperor has this story where the FNG talked to our Angry Chipmunk:

“Detroit has been so good to me over the years,” said Holmstrom, who will be an unrestricted free agent after this season. “I have been fortunate to be part of four Stanley Cup teams here. I want to stay here and finish my career here.”

General manager Ken Holland feels the same way. He’s already had one brief conversation with Holmstrom’s agent, Howard Gourwitz. Holmstrom said he would consider anything from a one-year to a three-year deal.

Amazing stuff.  Anywhere from a one-year to a three-year deal means that Homer is onboard and talking the language Tick Tock needs to hear.  Whatever it takes, he’ll be here for us.  All Tick Tock has to do is make him a fair offer.  And I really dig that, too.

I may not be the only one who is almost bulging in the pants about seeing more of Homer and his beautiful ass.  Check this out from our friend Animal Drew:

Interesting.  I may not agree, but I can dig that too.

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Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977.  No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y.  Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation.  There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature.  Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

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