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Abel to Yzerman

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And Now I Will Tell You Who Will Win

by IwoCPO on 04/11/07 at 07:53 AM ET
Comments (1)

I’d like to apologize for making you all wait so very long.  I know you’ve been anxious, your families have been tip-tapping their feet, waiting.  Your neighbors have been asking you, “has that Sailor told you with great accuracy who is going to win every first-round series of the 2007 Stanley Cup Playoffs? Is he sober?”

Yes. Yes I am and yes I will.  Now look. I make no guarantees that the playoffs are going to turn out this way, that the predictions I’m about to offer you are something you should bet your donut money on. 

But they are.  I am, and I’ve tried to tell you all this many times, very frigging smart.  You should listen to me more. You should be asking me for advice on things other than hockey.  You don’t, but you should. 

So, let’s start with the East.  And let’s say this right up front: I don’t care.  I don’t care about the East and I never have.  Until the Wings move there, I probably never will. I’ll watch it and enjoy the games.  But I just don’t care.  Except for Pittsburgh, and I’ll explain that in just a few moments.

(1) Buffalo vs. (8 )NYI
I like this storyline. Nolan returning to Buffalo to face his demons over a seven game series.  Too bad it won’t go seven. It’s only going four and I’d be surprised if the Islanders came within two goals in any of those.  Sabres sweep.

(2) NJ vs. (7) Tampa Bay
When I say I don’t care about the East, I’m talking about this series specifically.  I like Brodeur.  I don’t really like Tampa, the idea of a team there, much less a Cup banner.  I don’t like fans of other teams migrating there then adopting the “Bolts”.  What’s that all about?  Stupid.  Jersey in 6. 

(3) Atlanta vs. (6) NYR
Man. Atlanta is pumped.  Pumped.  Hotlanta.  Hockeytown Southeast.  Kovalchuk.  Our boy Kozzie. Lehtonen. Hossa.  That team, that town is primed for a long playoff run.  Rangers in 6.

(4) Ottawa vs. (5) Pittsburgh
I told you guys about my plane ride last month?  No?  Yes I did.  I’ll remind you in a few minutes.  Pittsburgh is young, brash, probably pretty stupid...just stupid enough not to realize they should be pretty damn nervous right now.  The legend of Sid begins here.  Pens in 7.  Their first series of four that will go 7 games.

Whew...that was hard.  Ready for the West?

(2) Anaheim vs. (7) Minnesota
Everyone’s favorite, the Duckies.  Such a fast start. Such a promising Fall.  Pronger, Niedermayer, JSG, McDonald, whatever.  I like Minnesota hockey. I like the idea of it as much as I hated the North Stars moving to Bubba Sr.  The State Of Hockey...god I love that.  I also like Gaborik.  And I really like Backstrom.  Minnesota in 6.

3) Vancouver vs. (6) Dallas
Two factors play in to this pick. (1) The longer Vancouver stays in it the greater the likelihood of a Canuck/Wing series.  And for you, readers of A2Y and Canucks and Beyond, that spells all sorts of fun.  (2) Marty Turco is going to choke, if he even plays every game.  If you watch this entire series you’re going to see two ends of the goaltending spectrum: excellence from Luongo and extreme suckage from Turco.  Vancouver in 5.

(4) Nashville vs. (5) San Jose
Ummm...do I have to?  Do I have to waste time and space?  Ok.  San Jose’s the most dangerous team in the West. Of that I’m certain. I want no part of them, ever again. I don’t want to see them in pre-season, November or within the next two months.  I hate them and I hate the idea of watching the Wings play them again.  Bubba?  Just the opposite.  A crappy hockey town.  A token team in a place hockey doesn’t belong.  Idiot fans, horrible announcers. Ugly uniforms.  And a team the Wings exposed all year.  Would love to see Bubba again soon.  Unfortunately, they’re gone soon.  San Jose in 6.

(1) Detroit vs. (8) Calgary
Oh, the ailments.  Zetterberg. Bertuzzi. Lidstrom. Hasek. Chelios.  Calgary’s grit will certainly wear them down.  Certainly inflict pain like the Wings have never known.  Mike Babcock can’t speak. He can’t utter a phrase that doesn’t sound like Dr. Seuss minus predicate phrases.  Jerome Iginla is too good. Kipper’s going to steal 4.  Datsyuk chokes.  Hasn’t scored in 26 playoff games.  Saddledome’s too loud. Hurts our ears.  Wings can’t fill a seat.  Nobody cares anymore.  Lang’s lazy, but his hair looks nice.  Hasek’s a headcase. He wanders too much.  Dion Phaneuf has a chick’s name but hits like a truck and shoots mind bullets from the blue line.  Bad, bad, bad.  Sadness must surely ensue. Wings in 5.

I told you I’d remind you of my plane ride a few weeks ago? The one where I had visions like Shooter in Hoosiers? Here’s a hint…

“And I see heartbreak that will light a fire for redemption. I see Steve Yzerman visiting a crestfallen Crosby in a somber Pen room, consoling him as the Conn Smythe sits lonely in the corner.”

Yep. Sticking with it.

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Comments

I literally spit a little coffee on the ATL/Rags prediction… gold.

Posted by TeamDub from NW Ohio on 04/11/07 at 10:16 AM ET

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