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Batten Down The Hatches: Game 5 In Hockeytown Tonite
by IwoCPO on 05/16/08 at 06:29 AM ET
Comments (49)
Man, that was a long frigging 24 hours. I’m not gonna lie. I was irritated, to put it mildly, pretty much all day Thursday. Conspiracy? I didn’t use that word yesterday and I won’t today. Conspiracies require a lot more brainpower, discretion and cunning than anyone in Little Gary’s inner circle is capable of.
Ineptitude? Oh Hell yes. In spades. In bucketfuls. The league office is gloriously overflowing with it. Ignorance? An unspoken job requirement. Overturned goals are a problem. Have been for, at least, 9 years. Deal with it? Nah. Ignore it.
But that’s all solved tonite. All the bad things are going away, because this series ends tonite in Detroit.
Did you say something? I’m sorry?
No, no. It’s every other day. Been that way the last two series. Day on. Day off. Day on. Day off. I plan for it, you see. Emotionally, it’s how I’ve been rolling. Stress. Drink. Watch. Live Blog. React. Day off and repeat.
Excuse me? Did you say something Mitch? You must have because now I’m writing like you. There’s no game tonite? Not on Versus because, as horrible as their coverage has been, they’ve loyally carried multiple games per week all year so it’s time Little Gary bent them over too. There’s no game tonite because NBC “wants” it tomorrow?
Dammit. Well, if you say so. I guess I’ll wait until tomorrow night. And, now, come to think of it...that’s not a horrible idea. Spend the day kicking the bejesus out of my dog because he looked at me the wrong way and his eyes are all red and wide open like a heroin addict, which naturally reminds me of Mike Ribeiro. So, I’ll do that until around 1845. Start the Live Blog at 1900 and ride the Stress Train for three hours. Saturday night hockey. A tradition up north, eh? That’s cool. Good for the Canadians (iens).
Why are you still talking to me? What? Oh, you just shut the fu** up. Conference Finals hockey at 1:30 on a Saturday afternoon? That’s just, well, it’s just gay. Playoff Hockey. Saturday Night. On NBC. It’s MUST SEE TV Motherfu**ers! Forget that.
Let’s roll it at 1330.
But hey, Versus? Stand by. Little Gary still loves you. He still needs you, you know. Have the feeb running the switcher be ready to take the live feed from Detroit if Game 5 goes to OT because there’s no way in Hell we can interrupt the Preakness because the frigging toads, degenerate gamblers, inbreeders and elitist lovers of the ponies would cause quite the stir. Not to mention the PETA activists tuning in hoping for another tragedy. You think they’re not? Please.
So, just be ready in the control room. Oh, and if it goes to OT and you don’t have Versus? I’m talking to you, the viewers? Well, you’re shafted. Again. Say it with me. Thanks Gary. Ass.
-----
IwoNOTE: I read a blog yesterday that quoted something we posted here. The segment they used contained the word “tonite”. Within the quote, they used “sic” after tonite, to show they know how to spell it but left my version in there. Here’s the deal dickweed (sic): I know how to spell “tonight”. I choose to spell it “tonite”. I have reasons to do so. If you don’t know them, you’re probably not supposed to.
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TGIF! Thought I would share the joy of Friday with the “A 2 Y”, courtesy of KHAN!:
Wings general manager Ken Holland said this afternoon that forward Johan Franzen (concussion-like symptoms) won’t play in Game 5 against Dallas Saturday afternoon. Franzen has been cleared for light workouts but won’t practice with the team when it returns to the ice on Friday. He hasn’t skated in a week and needs a couple of practices before he can play. And that won’t happen until after his headaches go away.
“I saw him today, he’s still got headaches,’’ Holland said.
Holland said Franzen had another MRI Thursday, so doctors could compare the results of his previous MRI on Monday. No results were in yet.
I swear the Red Wings medical staff must be inept, it takes them forever to get results of tests—that, or maybe (and I hate to be the one to shine the light on the painfully obvious) Holland doesn’t feel compelled to share what he knows.
__________________________________________________
Almost totally off the subject, but in good fun because it is Friday, and thanks to Gary there is no game *tonite*; how bout this line from “The Wrath of KHAN!; it almost perfectly describes the Digger’s lemming mentality:
Kirk: Khan, you bloodsucker. You’re gonna have to do your own dirty work now, do you hear me? Do you?
Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Hockey Netherworld on 05/16/08 at 07:22 AM ET
Oh man, now I regret looking for that. Sweater Ted, and his link to Nation of Islam Sports Blog...Whomever said the web was full of porn was wrong. It’s full of self-regarding po-mo smarmily detached irony.
Coupled with the Google ad that’s come up in the comments section ("Adult Hockey Camp Anaheim: For adult recreational players. Guaranteed to elevate your game! http://www.WeekendWarriorsHockey.com-- I don’t even want to THINK about what ‘Adult Hockey’ means, though I suspect it’s related to Butt Darts), I think I going to technicolor yodel at any moment…
Posted by AndrewFromAnnArbor from an isolated internet-free shack in northern Greenl on 05/16/08 at 07:30 AM ET
Y’all do realize the game is tomorrow afternoon, right?
Posted by Chantel from The hockey hotbed that is Florida on 05/16/08 at 08:04 AM ET
Oops! No coffee yet! Disregard.
Posted by Chantel from The hockey hotbed that is Florida on 05/16/08 at 08:05 AM ET
Y’all do realize the game is tomorrow afternoon, right?
Can “Y’all” read Chantel?
From Iwo’s post:
Conference Finals hockey at 1:30 on a Saturday afternoon?
Posted by Osrt on 05/16/08 at 08:06 AM ET
You know the great thing about living out West is you get the same great playoff hockey at 10:30 AM! Cheerios and Hockey, it’s like it was meant to be....ASS
Posted by Aaron from Phoenix, that makes me a transplant on 05/16/08 at 08:21 AM ET
After reading Jenny Pooh’s blather on the KK page, I’m sure let down it’s not tonight. I won’t even get started on anything in that “column”....
But the afternoon game will provide me with a break from the fun of a few hours with a post hole dogger, mixing ceeeement & setting fence posts all day tomorrow.
Posted by MOWingsfan19 on 05/16/08 at 08:33 AM ET
1:30? Really? Wow, that is gay.
Hey Osrt, I sponsored Dan Cleary on hockey reference and quoted you, is that okay? http://www.hockey-reference.com/players/c/clearda01.html
Posted by scheisskopf on 05/16/08 at 09:08 AM ET
Maybe he’s a Anthony Michael Hall fanboy and meant Farmer Ted.
Posted by O-Joe on 05/16/08 at 09:08 AM ET
That’s a good quote for Dan Cleary.
I got Lidstrom (my favorite) and Brian Engblom. Anybody have any ideas for a line for Brian Engblom? My effort was just to have something there as a place filler, but I’m open to suggestions. 
Posted by Baroque from Michigan on 05/16/08 at 09:13 AM ET
Yeah I know 1:30 in the afternoon is a crappy time for a game, but guess what? The Wings were dominant in weekend afternoon games all of last year’s playoffs (until that flukey Niedermayer goal which sent that awful Game 5 into OT), and they’ve won each afternoon game so far this year. So that’s one advantage for the Wings. But then again the Stars aren’t a West Coast team, so maybe the afternoon time slot won’t affect them as much…
Posted by Justin on 05/16/08 at 09:23 AM ET
Aaron, you mean Cheerios, Budwiser and Hockey don’t you? Man these playoffs is killin’ me…
Posted by Mike from La-La Land on 05/16/08 at 09:34 AM ET
scheisskopf:
I don’t remember writing that at all, but of course it’s ok.
Baroque,
“Brain Engblom: Warrior, Poet, Mullet.”
Posted by Osrt on 05/16/08 at 09:35 AM ET
Ah...sarcasm. It does a morning good.
In an unrelated note, I had a broadcast on location the other night so I asked the bar manager to turn on the Wings game for me. (Keep in mind, this is Atlanta, not exactly a bastion of hockey despite--or in spite of--the Thrashers) They turned it on for me, I mentioned it on the air, and in about 15 minutes I saw people with Wings jerseys coming through the door. They had heard my broadcast and that I had the game on and came to watch it. It was a damn good moment.
Posted by Margot from Atlanta on 05/16/08 at 10:21 AM ET
1:30 = 11:30 here. Ack. TOO EARLY! I can’t drink vodka at 11:30 in the morning. Well...then again....
Posted by hockeychic from Denver, CO on 05/16/08 at 10:29 AM ET
Hockeychic,
Ah, can ya say bloody mary? LOL
Posted by MOWingsfan19 on 05/16/08 at 10:47 AM ET
No Canoe tomorrow, by the way. He’s at the World Championships.
Bill Patrick will work the studio with Milbury.
Posted by Steve from New Jersey on 05/16/08 at 11:02 AM ET
No Canoe tomorrow, by the way. He’s at the World Championships.
Bill Patrick will work the studio with Milbury.
No canoe? :( Break my <3 why don’t you.
Posted by Lauren from Portland, OR on 05/16/08 at 11:16 AM ET
oh man! only $10!
http://www.hockey-reference.com/coaches/mcguipi99c.html
LOL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqyaQ_sr1hI
Posted by PaulinMiamiBeach on 05/16/08 at 11:26 AM ET
Do it, Paul! Do it!
They’re hockey people - I’m sure they will only use the money for good purposes.
It cracks me up seeing who has sponsored whom - Pension Plan Puppets (Toronto Maple Leafs) has ownership of Carey Price and Daniel Alfredsson, but they couldn’t get Jaroslav Halak before the Four Habs Fans grabbed him!
Posted by Baroque from Michigan on 05/16/08 at 11:34 AM ET
hey Chief, can I register the Douche as A2Y? how about putting up a blog post asking people for ideas on what my sponsorship should say?
Posted by PaulinMiamiBeach on 05/16/08 at 11:44 AM ET
Ah, can ya say bloody mary? LOL
Chic, I used to be a mixologist, and I can say with all expertise: he’s right. That or a Bloody Caessr. Of course, if you want an unconventional vodka-based cocktail, give me an hour or two…
http://www.hockey-reference.com/players/p/prongch01.html
Baroque, did you change your name to Y! Sports Hockey Blog?
Come on, own up somebody…
Posted by AndrewFromAnnArbor from a place seriously considering buying Lang... on 05/16/08 at 11:52 AM ET
Not me. I think it was George Wyshinski - I read somewhere in the ether that he was looking for better suggestions for the line.
(If it was me, it would read something like: Chris Pronger, author of the national bestseller “Physics for Dummies: the Differential Height Effect.")
Posted by Baroque from Michigan on 05/16/08 at 11:57 AM ET
Apparently, stupidity in scheduling isn’t an exclusive talent of the NHL. The Spurs-Hornets (that’s basketball, the sport with two hoops, a big round ball, and players intent on impregnating as many of your daughters as possible) played their game 6 last nite(sic), a Thursday. The crucial, pivotal Game 7 is scheduled for...Monday. Imagine if the Pens-Flyers had to wait until Monday for Game 5.
Posted by Matt from Chicago on 05/16/08 at 12:17 PM ET
hey Chief, can I register the Douche as A2Y? how about putting up a blog post asking people for ideas on what my sponsorship should say?
Paul, I trust you. Make it happen. I’ve followed this conversation a bit over email but honestly have no frigging clue what you guys are talking about. I haven’t been to that hockey reference site.
Posted by IwoCPO from Washington, DC on 05/16/08 at 12:30 PM ET
Apparently, stupidity in scheduling isn’t an exclusive talent of the NHL. The Spurs-Hornets (that’s basketball, the sport with two hoops, a big round ball, and players intent on impregnating as many of your daughters as possible) played their game 6 last nite(sic), a Thursday. The crucial, pivotal Game 7 is scheduled for...Monday. Imagine if the Pens-Flyers had to wait until Monday for Game 5.
Posted by Matt from Chicago on 05/16 at 01:17 PM
Well, there is that incredibly long distance between San Antonio and New Orleans. Maybe the players are walking. 
Posted by YzermanZetterberg on 05/16/08 at 12:49 PM ET
Oops...Greg Wyshinski sponsors Chris Pronger.
Here’s his blog post: http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/blog/nhl_experts/post/Reminder-The-Chris-Pronger-tribute-contest-cont?urn=nhl,82221
Chief - It’s a dastardly plan to get hockey fans to spend money. For just a few bucks you can sponsor any available team or player page (more for HOF players, of course) and toss any line you want (within reason) on it and link to a blog, or just write something on it.
The Yzerman page is dedicated to a fan’s father, for example, and Ms. Hammond at Behind the Jersey has nabbed Zetterberg and Kronwall (of course). I think she got Franzen, too.
Some of the pages are only $10 for a year’s sponsorship.
Posted by Baroque from Michigan on 05/16/08 at 12:59 PM ET
mike,
cheerios + beer.... beerios! I like it.
Posted by aaron from phoenix, that makes me a transplant on 05/16/08 at 02:41 PM ET
Yeah, Cleary was 10 bucks for the year. Osrt, you said that way back when he got his jaw knocked in - it stuck in my kopf
Posted by scheisskopf on 05/16/08 at 03:20 PM ET
hockeychic - go for the vodka, like my baseball coach used to say “it’s 10 a.m. somewhere”
Posted by RWBill from jabbing a six inch sewing needle into my eye. on 05/16/08 at 04:03 PM ET
O-Joe LMAO, classic 16 candles. Love those bad movies. That dude and Molly Ringwold peaked early in their lives. After Breakfast Club it was all over.
Posted by RWBill from jabbing a six inch sewing needle into my eye. on 05/16/08 at 04:06 PM ET
With all due respect to Dan Cleary (he’s been one of my favourite Wings for the past two years), right now I wouldn’t mind replacing him with a guy who scored 9 goals in a 4 game series with a concussion.
Most teams want to win a series as quickly as possible so they can get healthy. But to do that now, the Wings need to extend this one. I’m consoled by the fact that losing game 4--in large part because Franzen was out--means one more game in the finals that Franzen will/may be able to play.
Posted by Ryan from Toronto on 05/16/08 at 04:50 PM ET
Is the address of the league office more secret than Gary’s actual height?
Anybody got the address?
Posted by knowntome from west of MI on 05/16/08 at 05:11 PM ET
Planning on lurking outside in the bushes so you can ambush the Commish with a swift kick to the nads?
Or planning on picketing/demonstrating?
Posted by Baroque from Michigan on 05/16/08 at 05:14 PM ET
same address listed here, along with the rest of the teams:
http://sjsharkie.dagnabit.org/addresses/nhl.html
Posted by PaulinMiamiBeach on 05/16/08 at 05:14 PM ET
paid my $10. not sure if they’ll approve my message, though...as it (of course) includes the phrase “The Douche Canoe"…
Posted by PaulinMiamiBeach on 05/16/08 at 06:00 PM ET
Planning on lurking outside in the bushes so you can ambush the Commish with a swift kick to the nads?
The bushes of 6th avenue? Picturing that cracks me up as it would look absurdly antisocial, A2Y style.
Sort of reminds me of Borat taking a dump midday in the exterior gardens of the Trump tower.
Posted by lilja4ever on 05/16/08 at 07:01 PM ET
The Douche Canoe is out doing the international ice hockey tournament, I believe. The contest extends to that tournament too, get the sign behind Douchey’s head and you win the tickets.
I’ll be at JLA, trying not to get kicked out by screaming too much. All good, clean fun but I suppose the security guards at the Joe have not met that many Canadian hockey fanatics.
Listen for me on TV, I’ll be the one shouting all night.
‘Cause that’s how I roll, mofos.
Posted by VooX on 05/16/08 at 08:26 PM ET
getting kicked out for yelling at a hockey game? do they kick people out for wearing polo shirts at golf tournaments?
ps, someone needs to sponsor dan cloutier’s hockey reference page with a link to lidstrom’s goal!
Posted by scheisskopf on 05/16/08 at 08:59 PM ET
Paul:
You can always just go with D.C. We all know what it means.
Posted by Baroque from Michigan on 05/16/08 at 09:25 PM ET
well, they rejected it based on profanity, so I toned it down a bit...we’ll see.
Posted by PaulinMiamiBeach on 05/16/08 at 10:37 PM ET
Try “Dou Che’ Kanoe’”.
Toss in an umlaut to throw em off.
Tell them it’s foreign and they wouldn’t understand it.
Posted by Rumbear from the den.... on 05/16/08 at 10:43 PM ET
Alright my insomnia has worn out, and I retire before the early road trip to Motown. With a long weekend in Canuckland going on, we have to leave bright and early not to hit a border SNAFU.
Last time at JLA (Nashville game 1) I was recovering from pneumonia and lost my voice from shouting. This time I feel perfectly fine and will lose my voice from shouting.
If we clinch my head will explode. Cart me over to Windsor where I can get free health care if there is enough of me left to salvage.
Posted by VooX on 05/17/08 at 12:45 AM ET
Is the address of the league office more secret than Gary’s actual height?
Anybody got the address?
Excellent! Come join me!
If you could bring that pizza that I keep being promised, that’d be even better. Oh, and bring your own ammunition-- I, like the Wings, am making every bullet count.
Posted by AndrewFromAnnArbor from the middle of the night in Toronto...,need coffee. on 05/17/08 at 02:02 AM ET
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Posted by O-Joe on 05/16/08 at 06:31 AM ET