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Abel to Yzerman

Denver Backs In: #10 On the A2Y Rivalry Depth Chart

by IwoCPO on 09/01/09 at 02:14 AM ET
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Part one in a series to determine the Red Wings’ greatest rival.
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Denver is the exception.  Of all the teams in the Top Ten, they’re the only team who offers exactly zero threat to the Wings, the only team that is actually getting worse from year to year.

As a genius said in our preview post yesterday, the only thing the Dive are any good at is sucking.

But because of March 26, 1997….they made the depth chart.  And in true Dive fan fashion? They got on there ass-first.

What used to be the greatest rivalry in all of sports has turned into a farce and a fading memory.  Of all the participants in that war only Adam Foote remains in Denver and that’s only because he ran out of Columbus like a bitch, back to hockey anonymity in a town that couldn’t care less about its team.  I’m gonna use science to break it down for you, but let’s be real clear right up front:  any chance of this rivalry being rekindled went right down the Garcia when Patty stiff-armed the Dive and turned down the coaching and gm duties. 

QT (Quality of Team):  this is a bad team and when compared with Hockey’s Best Team, they are pathetic.  Joe Sakic’s gone and good riddance. Damn right. I said it.  Classy guy? Noted.  But a Dive nonetheless.  You won’t be missed and that’s not Wing fan paranoia speaking.  Pretty cool that Steve Yzerman’s number will soon hang from the rafters of yet another arena though.  But Sakic? We haven’t been nervous about Joe Sakic, or any other Dive, since 2002.  No goaltending.  A tradition of really bad coaches.  A leaky blue line and a core of no-name forwards.  Horrible team that won’t be better any time soon.  Matt Duchene may help change that eventually, but today they reside in the NHL sewer along with their garbage fan(s).

QT score: 1

HF (Hate Factor): Ah yes.  Let it warm you.  Let it absolutely envelop you and rock you to sleep after 7 or 8 PBRs and a slice of cinnamon toast that you ate with cream cheese because your drunk ass thought it was butter.  Many of us have grown up hating Denver and, despite the fact that The Rivalry has faded, the instinct remains.  You remember this monkey skank…

And then there’s this little ditty. 

And of course, this…

A war that’s been over for more than six years still generates white hot hate because that stuff will never go away.  We won’t let it because the hate is so awesome.  The animosity between Wing nation and the six or seven Dive fans left has never deteriorated.  Why?  We’ll get to that when we discuss the BQ factor, but it’s clear that the two factions of bloggers take decidedly different tacts. Dive bloggers still tear up and attempt to stifle sobs at the very mention of Detroit.  Wing bloggers point and laugh.  It’s a quality combination.

If we could go higher in the HF category we would.  5 with a bullet bitches.

PPA (Past Playoff Adventures). As many have pointed out when discussing Chicago, the real indicator of a true hate-fest is some postseason give and take.  Denver bent us over in ‘96 and here’s the honest truth:  that’s a series that still hurts.  Does it hurt as bad 4 Cups later?  Hell no. But it hurts because expectations were so high. It set the stage though for some follow-on classic series’ and moments.  Lemieux/Draper. Roy/Vernon. Crawford/Bowman.  Keith Gave and Adrian Dater.  Foote and Shanny.  Larionov and Forsberg.  Dive fans and pastel outfits. Lidstrom saves and Yzerman heartbreaking cross bars.  A Game 7 blowout cemented this thing and then an ‘08 sweep shut it down. 

The true rivalry ended when it was clear the disparity was too great to maintain.  If they’d put up any kind of fight that last go-round, we’d be looking at a score of 5. Didn’t happen.  The lights went out on the cell block and Darren Garcia immediately grabbed the sink. 

PPA: 4.

RSSF (Regular Season Sadness Factor).  Two compelling dates.  December 31st in Detroit.  March 1st in Denver.  I mention New Year’s because that would seem to be an obvious choice for an A2Y blowout in Hockeytown.  March 1st is interesting because it’s the first game back after the Olympic break.  Other than those?  I couldn’t care less what the Wings do against the Dive in the regular season.  This team presents exactly zero threat to anything and anyone who says they do is silly and should request permission to speak. 

RSSF: 0

BQ (Blog Quality).  Now it gets interesting.  Reach over and turn the hate faucet back on because if we’re going to talk Dive bloggers you have to understand something.  Not only do they despise you, they despise the very idea of you.  Dive bloggers, whether we’re talking about Gobbles or Shane or the Hyphenated One or some of the newer breed?  They all share the remarkably Pavlovian instinct to start sobbing at the mere mention of the Red Wings.  Their hatred of you, the Wing Dynasty, the consistent success, the remarkable drafting history, scouting, coaching, leadership…all the things Denver doesn’t have?  That hatred is at the very underbelly of every single Dive blog.  It’s why they still exist.

Case in point? A new blog I hadn’t read until today.  Ready?  “Anyone But Detroit.”

Awesome. 

And smart too…

Well, what’s a better match made in heaven than Todd Bertuzzi and the Detroit Red Wings. Its official. Todd will be taking bad penalties next season for an increasingly desperate Red Wings team scrambling to fill holes left by Hossa, Hudler, Kopensky and Samluelsson.

Genius.

Plenty of fodder at every single Dive blog.  Their cute little nicknames, their inferiority complexes, their justifications for an ignorant and tiny fan base.  It’s all there at every Denver blog.  Just search “detroit” and you’ll find plenty, or “holy fu** they did it to us again”.  I prefer to point you to one entry though, something recent that really sums up their jealousy.  Remember the recent “study” conducted by a Wild blogger, ranking fan bases?  Denver finished 29th or 30th or something like that.  Not my point though. 

I mention it to get you to this, Gobbles’ reaction.  Coming in at 29th in his “poll”?  You.

29. Les Ailes de Rouge dans Detroit (-29,999 points).

  * Highest road attendance in the league
  * Original 6
  * Tons and Tons of bandwagon fans
  * Still *#$%@& cold
  * Really Really large, yet very stupid, online presence
  * I’m sick and tired of their pissing match with Pens fans.
  * Again, This is essentially personal rankings hidden behind an obtuse nonsensical formula shrouded with personal bias.
  * Because Les Ailes Fans are dumbasses

I literally have no idea what that french stuff means. Yes, I could look it up.  No, I’m not going to.  I’d rather leave it the way it is because Dive fans and the French language were made for each other.  It’s such a perfect combination.

“Tons and tons of bandwagon fans.”  Right. Got it.  Prove it. Define a bandwagon fan for me and relate it to us. Then compare those “bandwagon” fans like Jeff in Loveland to the less than ten people outside of the Denver city limits who admit to having any knowledge of Dive hockey at all. 

“I’m sick and tired of their pissing match with Pens fans.”  Yeah. I know.  I guess that stuff happens after two consecutive years of very important playoff series’.  I’m sure you understand.  I mean the last time Denver had an important series against…anyone…was?  Well, hey.  Here’s an idea. You only finished ten points behind LA for that 14th spot in the West.  Maybe you can start your own pissing match with them?

“Really, really large, yet very stupid, online presence.”  Hmmm.  Again, evidence would be cool.  Bias? Yep.  Arrogance? Oh, fu** yes.  Sarcastic and willing to point out the flaws of all the other teams who aren’t the Wings?  Yes, sir.  But stupid?  Really?  Like Malik? Or Christy?  Are the Triple Deke sisters stupid? 

And it’s not just the bloggers.  You’re “dumbasses” too.  Don’t forget.  Baroque, Okie Jeff, Mandingo, Primis, Gramps, Sullyosis, Osrt, Andrew, JJ…you’re all dumbasses, especially when compared to a savant like Gobbles.

BQ score of….3, and it’s only that high because every one of them maintain a high degree of passion when it comes to hating us and hating you.  You’ve got to respect that.

TQ (Troll Quality).  An interesting category and one that is going to make or break a team or two.  And that’s a guarantee.  We’ve seen all kinds here over the years.  Whining bitches from San Jose in ‘07.  Surprising humility from Predneck. Intelligence from Bleys and Stilly. 

And Excel spreadsheets from the likes of our boy Thhhhhhhom.  A former Wing fan, spurned somehow and now bitterly Anti-Wing.  Thhhommy will probably always be the all time A2Y troll.  We banned him and I don’t remember why.  I’d be willing to bring him back on a probationary basis but you gotta email and ask me nicely Thhom.  It’s not automatic.  You. Have. To. Ask. Me. Nicely.

Now, Thhom’s not the only Dive troll. Nope.  We’ve got a few others.  Bobbing in Boulder drops in then leaves quickly after he’s exposed for the idiot he is.  And we’ve got a new guy, Avsrock.  He can stay.  Smart and loyal to his little team.  Willing to engage and intellectually armed.  But…he’s the exception.

TQ: 2

Let’s review and tally up some science:
QT: Horrible team.  1
HF: 5 without question.  The hate that will never fade, for the fans at least.
PPA: Some of the greatest postseason hockey in history, until ‘08.  Now it’s just pathetic and sad.  Still….4
RSSF: Whatever.  0.
BQ: Whining.  My god…it never ends.  Whining, crying, sobbing.  A 3 only so they’ll just STFU for a minute.
TQ: Avsrock gets them one point.  The sheer comedy of pissing Thhhhhhom off gets them another.  2.

Total:  15.  Not good, but good enough for tenth.

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