Abel to Yzerman
Next entry: Hossa: One Year Wonder?
Previous entry: Heika: Hossa Is The Hangover Cure
For Lions Fans: An Intervention
by IwoCPO on 09/08/08 at 03:38 AM ET
Comments (35)
Name me one franchise. Just one. In any league, anywhere. Find it and I don’t care where you look or what you reference. Look as hard as you want for as long as you want.
There is not one team, not a single one, as pathetic as the Detroit Lions. I have great sympathy for the die hards, and there are thousands. They’re crushed today, not so much because they expected the Lions to succeed, but because they’re disgusted with themselves for allowing optimism in their lives, as if Matt Millen or the Fords had left Detroit.
To the ardent Lions fan, the downtrodden, the sickened, the addicted...I say this: welcome. It’s ok. Climb aboard. Cleanse yourselves in the success of the Wings. You’ve been a casual fan for a lifetime, choosing to invest your hope in a franchise that is the most obscene disaster in the history of professional sports or, even, business in general.
We have room for you. You are our neighbors, our relatives, our classmates and co-workers. We’re past the point of chuckling at your misplaced loyalty. It used to be funny. Now it’s serious. It’s intervention time. We’re literally frightened for you and we have a solution. We offer you a ten-month rehabilitation program and it begins 9 October.
Oh, some of us are casual users. We’ll watch the Lions at parties, but if we had to stop we could. Pretty easily. We’ve never actually, you know, bought a ticket. If you invited us to join you in the past, we may have. But we always kept something in the front of our minds: the Lions are a dangerous, dangerous addiction. So we’ve kept them at arm’s length.
Today, I say this: put them down. Once and for all, listen to your friends and family who have tearfully pleaded with you for years. Your addiction has affected everything. Relationships. Employment. Your own mental health. You’re gaunt and emotionally wrecked. Aimless and wallowing at rock bottom. Mark the date. September 8th, 2008. It’s going to be hard. There is no doubt about that. But we’re here to help you.
We offer you this: The Detroit Red Wings.
Matt Millen has destroyed you. He has ruined everything you used to love and he has abused you. In his place I offer you Ken Holland. Where Millen tormented your sleep, Holland will soothe you. Where Millen’s ineptitude has left you shakey and pale, Ken Holland’s consistent, reliable genius will swell your chest and clear your head.
The Ford family laughs at you. They talk about you at dinner and over gin and tonics. They have no sympathy for you, only scorn. It disgusts them that you are so weak as to allow yourselves to continue to buy their product. They keep pushing it to you because you allow yourselves to need it. They don’t care about the effect it’s had on your life and on society, only that you keep buying it. The Ilitch’s have been watching. They’re saddened by your plight and offer you a hand of community. They want to help, but you must help yourselves. You must want to stop. For yourselves.
The ghost of Sanders still haunts you. Brilliant, but so troubled. It hurts to remember him because of how he left and the immense talent gone to waste. Wasted by a horrific franchise that never allowed him to really succeed. We would never ask you to forget him, but we simply direct your attention to Steve Yzerman. Just momentarily. Consider where you’d be today if you’d only chosen 19 instead of 20 all those years ago.
Calvin Johnson. Roy Williams. Mike Williams. Charles Rogers. Immense talent. Fifty percent wasted. The other half quickly on the road to ruin. Pavel Datsyuk. Henrik Zetterberg. Niklas Kronwall. Valteri Filppula. Champions all. Homegrown and pure. Talent realized. Across the board.
Don’t blame only yourselves. If this is going to work, you have to be honest. Over the next several weeks you’re going to have to ask yourselves why you allowed this to happen. It won’t be easy. You’re going to learn things about yourselves that will trouble you. You’re going to have to admit that the people you trusted pushed you to where you are today.
The fathers you love, the uncles you idolize, the friends who enabled you. They are as much to blame as you are. They are the ones who allowed you to believe that one Monday night game against Chicago was enough reason to believe Eric Hipple was a star. Hipple was the first. He led to Kramer and Long and Ware. By the time you got to Mitchell, you were done. It’s been disastrously downhill since then.
We’ve been watching. For almost two decades we’ve stood back and witnessed your decay. Today it stops. We’re stepping in. It’s an intervention because you can’t be trusted to help yourselves. We’ve purchased your tickets. Pack a bag, a small one. This is Homer. He’s going to put you on the plane and he’s going to stay with you until you reach your destination. Don’t try to understand him. None of us can either.
Soon you’ll arrive at a wooded camp outside Traverse City. Uncle Mike will be there. He has no last name and he speaks in broken, strange english. Don’t be frightened. Let him guide you. Place your trust in him and let the healing begin.
It’s not too late. Happiness awaits you. Normalcy. Success. We’d like to think you’d make this choice on your own, but you’re too far gone. Rock bottom is here. It’s intervention time and the cure is clad in Red and White.
I’m not going to lie to you. The next several months will be hard. There will be pain and there’s lots to learn. Many of us have been there and we’re here to help you.
Next June? If you can think that far ahead I have a guarantee for you. You’ll thank us.
Filed in: | Abel to Yzerman | Permalink
Comments
The intervention’s open to you too Seth. The Wings are here to help you.
Posted by IwoCPO from Washington, DC on 09/08/08 at 03:56 AM ET
Barry Sanders did this to me. He lured me in by being the greatest I’ve ever seen. I watched him run wild in the Holiday Bowl and then come to Detroit to single-handedly carry them to the playoffs multiple times, even to an NFC title game.
I should’ve taken the hint that bad things were ahead when he retired rather than let the Ford’s and Bobby Ross abuse him further. I should’ve checked out with Barry. I didn’t.
People like to point and laugh when the fans start chanting “Let’s Go Red Wings” at Lions game. That’s not mocking, it’s a cry for better things ahead.
Thanks for putting this into perspective for us Chief - I’ll have to print this up and leave it hanging in my office to remind me each Monday morning that better things lie ahead.
Posted by HockeyJoe from NY on 09/08/08 at 05:52 AM ET
During the Wolverine game Saturday, ESPN did a segment on the sad state of Michigan....jobs lost, Tigers under .500 and Lions’ history.
The bas**rds did not mention The Stanley Cup Champion Red Wings....
.........Grrrrrrrrrr........
Posted by w2j2 on 09/08/08 at 05:52 AM ET
I don’t see why there should be so much pain for Lions fans - I mean, football season is over, right? So it isn’t as though watching hockey will interfere with following the Lions.
“Fight Depression! Hug a Lions Fan!”
(Poor things.)
Posted by Baroque from Michigan on 09/08/08 at 05:56 AM ET
Seth, at the Pirates won a championship since Gerald Ford was President. Dang it there is that Ford name again.
Posted by JR from Mich on 09/08/08 at 05:58 AM ET
How can a city have the best GM in professional sports AND the worst GM in the HISTORY of professional sports?
Oh Mike Illitch, when will you submit to our ceaseless begging and buy the Lions? It would be so nice to have an NFL owner who actually cares about winning more than turning a profit.
Yesterday’s drubbing at the hands of the 4-12 (last season) Falcons was yet another smack in the face...I just keep telling myself “We got Hossa....we got Hossa”
Posted by Animal Drew from A Nightmare on Helm Street on 09/08/08 at 06:58 AM ET
sad sheep that renew faith that william clay ford could get anything right,the man has never worked a day in his life.he has no idea what work is much less what will work.ilitch used to pass out coupons in my neighborhood as a kid when ford was having his shoes tied by his butler.
Posted by Speedy Sammich from DTown on 09/08/08 at 07:32 AM ET
I’d argue that baseball’s Mariners are just as poorly run right now. But you’re right, they don’t have the same losing tradition and probably wont. And at least M’s fans are smart enough to stop going.
I have zero sympathy for Lions fans anymore. As stupid as Ford and Millen have been, now the blame falls on the fans for continuing to support the team and selling out game after losing game. Each game is just a new chance for the Lions to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Things wont change as long as revenue remains maxed out.
Please, come to where the beer is cold, octopi rain freely from the sky, and the ice shines in a gorgeous silver light.
Posted by Nate A from Dark side of the moon on 09/08/08 at 08:31 AM ET
The Arizona Cardinals
As a Detroit Lions fan I have thought long and hard on this question and the only sports franchise worse than the Lions are the Cardinals.
The organization has been around forever. They have won as many playoff games as the Lions in the Super Bowl era (one), but have played in far fewer. You add on the fact that the team has moved around a bit, that definitely makes them a more sad sack franchise.
That’s about it, though. So, take heart fellow Lions’ fans, at least we’re not Cardinals fans.
Posted by Ajax19 from Detroit on 09/08/08 at 08:31 AM ET
AnimalDrew- Sadly, Mike Ilitch cannot save the Lions from the depth of despair. NFL owners are only allowed to own their NFL team and any other pro sports teams that the NFL does NOT have a team in that market. So if Ilitch wanted the Lions, he’d have to give up the Tigers and Wings.
I sincerely believe that Detroit has the Wings to balance out the suckiness of the Lions. Could you imagine how depressing it would be as a sports fan to have the Lions disaster every year and no chance for the Cup? Yikes.
Posted by Christy from Ann Arbor, MI on 09/08/08 at 08:45 AM ET
Don’t try to understand him. None of us can either.
Swenglish.
Posted by cementslinger from Saginaw on 09/08/08 at 08:56 AM ET
AnimalDrew- Sadly, Mike Ilitch cannot save the Lions from the depth of despair. NFL owners are only allowed to own their NFL team and any other pro sports teams that the NFL does NOT have a team in that market. So if Ilitch wanted the Lions, he’d have to give up the Tigers and Wings.
What about, say a daughter of Mike Ilitch? Wouldn’t she be able to “own” the Lions? Can Mr. I financially back a new owner. Like, say The Jim Nill/Steve Yzerman experiment!
Posted by cementslinger from Saginaw on 09/08/08 at 09:05 AM ET
I enjoy each and every day more and more since I finally divorced the bitch - Lions. People don’t believe it’s true, but I have.
I didn’t watch even 5 minutes of the NFL yesterday, and my day was much better for it. Now if only January 31 when the Wings visit DC could come along faster, I’d be a happy man.
Posted by arcane_caf from NoVa - Outside D.C. on 09/08/08 at 09:14 AM ET
During the Wolverine game Saturday, ESPN did a segment on the sad state of Michigan....jobs lost, Tigers under .500 and Lions’ history.
The bas**rds did not mention The Stanley Cup Champion Red Wings....
.........Grrrrrrrrrr........
Yeah, I noticed that too. Everyone I meet in Chicago who is originally from Michigan and I bring up the Wings always says “it’s so great we have the Wings to counteract all of the negative stuff about the city and area.”
Oh, and Seth: the Pirates have three World Series titles in the past 50 years. The Lions have won one playoff game since William Clay Ford bought the team.
Mitch Albom just did an interview with Bill Davidson and the Pistons owner thought about buying the Lions when he bought the Pistons. So they could have had a competent owner but instead he bought the Pistons.
Posted by Dave on 09/08/08 at 09:36 AM ET
I love the Lions, yet I HATE the Lions. It’s an abusive relationship. I’ve come to realize we’re all masochists, as it’s the only thing that can explain why I continue to watch, and root for, those SOB’s.
Hey, they could turn it around, like the Wings did, right? I was a fan of the Red Wings all through the 70’s and early 80’s, when they were damn near as inept as the Lions. If the Wings can do it, why not the Lions? Well, that’s what I keep telling myself, anyway. Self-delusion is a wonderful thing.
Obviously, we all know the ownership needs to change. But we all know it’s never going to happen. I hate to say it, but it’s true, William Clay Ford needs to go tits up for things to change...Just like Bill Wirtz and the Blackhawks.
Posted by Big Al from SE MI on 09/08/08 at 09:51 AM ET
Hey, they could turn it around, like the Wings did, right? I was a fan of the Red Wings all through the 70’s and early 80’s, when they were damn near as inept as the Lions. If the Wings can do it, why not the Lions? Well, that’s what I keep telling myself, anyway. Self-delusion is a wonderful thing.
You know what changed? Mike Illitch bought the Red Wings. WCF has owned the Leos for like 46 years and they’ve won one playoff game. One game. I’m not a diehard Lions fan although I love football. I’ve just never expected much from them since their owner has such a long track record of gross incompetence.
Posted by Dave on 09/08/08 at 10:05 AM ET
Ajax - But the Cardinals have never teased at greatness like, the Lions did with Barry. When have the Cards EVER had a Barry Sanders? The Cards are bad (real bad), but then again they’re not ever supposed to have been anything but bad
I’m on… what, 3 seasons now of having sworn off the Lions?! It’s liberating. I don’t follow any other NFL teams either, so the result is that I don’t care about Sundays anymore. Again, “liberating” is the only word.
Posted by Primis on 09/08/08 at 10:27 AM ET
I have a friend in Detroit who’s been an avid Lions fan for years. Every fall, I’d get a call or email telling me, “This is the year.” Well, at the end of last season he finally surrendered and decided it was “time to switch to the Wings” (something I’d been trying to get him to do for the past five years).
So, yesterday, when I saw the Lions were down 21-0, I had to give him a call. And, sure enough, he was watching. Oh, he said he didn’t care anymore that they were losing, but I knew he had tuned in hoping against hope that, just maybe, their preseason record wasn’t a fluke.
But he said he was definitely through now and he was looking forward to the start of hockey season. We’ll see.
Later in the day, I got this email from his wife: “Well, it’s the start of another fine season of Lions football and another year of Michael leaving the chair at some point in each game to go do something useful with his time (in this case the garage building something or another) rather than be guilty of wasted time watching them lose and nothing to show for his time....or theirs.”
Maybe this time, with the help of a supportive (or just plain fed up) wife, we might be able to save this poor soul. He’s a good man, and he deserves to be the fan of a good team...no, a great team. Let the intervention begin!
Posted by OlderThanChelios from Grand Rapids on 09/08/08 at 10:28 AM ET
Seth, at the Pirates won a championship since Gerald Ford was President. Dang it there is that Ford name again.
Posted by JR from Mich on 09/08 at 04:58 AM
Gerald Ford? Try Dwight Eisenhower.
I watch the Lions because it’s like watching clowns at the circus. My two favorite plays from yesterday were in the first quarter. Atlanta tried to run a flea flicker, but the RB decided not to pitch the ball back to the quarterback, thinking “Hell, it’s easier if I run”, and then ran for 20 yards. The very next play, handoff to the RB, who looked like he bent down to tie his shoes in the backfield, then gets back up and runs for 20 more yards.
Do-do-dodododo-do-do-do-do…
Posted by cephalopod from Chicago, on the poop deck, not over it yet on 09/08/08 at 10:34 AM ET
please stop supporting the lions people of detroit!! DO NOT give them one more second of your time or dollar from your wallet.
Posted by christpuncher from detroit on 09/08/08 at 10:49 AM ET
It’s entirely a non-issue. It’s only football. I don’t even know who’s on the team, and I’m FROM Detroit. I swore off years ago—I’d rather go play hockey than watch football. Hell, I’d rather go and listen to my daughter whine at me about buying her a karaoke machine than watch football.
Posted by Chris from exiled in DC on 09/08/08 at 11:10 AM ET
I, too, am disappointed with the Lions. But I’ve also never really cared about football. The only game worth watching, in my opinion, is a hockey game. And that will never change.
Posted by Alan from Atlanta on 09/08/08 at 11:17 AM ET
Ceph, I couldnt remember much about the Pirates history before the time they won the World Series and were inspired by the song “We Are Family”. I do remember that the Lions tried to be inspired the next year when they started out undefeated with the song “Another One Bites the Dust” and we all know that in the end the Lions were the only ones that “bit the dust” along with all of their fans who got swept up in the hype only to again have their hearts yanked and trampled on.
Posted by JR from MICH on 09/08/08 at 11:40 AM ET
We’ve never actually, you know, bought a ticket.
Speak for yourself.
That’s fifty-five bucks and a tank of gas to get up to Pontiac that I will NEVER get back. William Clay Ford owes me a pound of flesh.
At this point, the only Lions game I will put myself through is if the Detroit Lions play the Tsavo Lions, with the entire management and ownership standing in on the field for the beautiful cheerleaders.
Pound the rock, indeed.
Posted by AndrewFromAnnArbor from the departure gate, hanging with Homer on 09/08/08 at 12:03 PM ET
My youngest son is a faithful Lions fan. At the beginning of every season he says, “This is their breakout year.” He is 25.
I might also mention he has been waiting for the band Guns N Roses to release their new album, Chinese Democracy. Ten years and counting. He has the patience of Job.
Posted by Kate from Pa. on 09/08/08 at 12:27 PM ET
The Atlanta Hawks might come close. Looking at Wiki, they have one championship in the 1950’s, where they were playing in Milwaukee. They haven’t won a conference title since 1961, when they were playing in St. Louis. They have two division titles since 1980, three since 1970. The Hawks have never advanced past the second round playoffs in the 39 years they have been in Atlanta. And the stunner...the Atlanta Hawks haven’t drafted a player that has played in an all star game since 1984.
I still think that the Lions take them. I don’t know what they do or how they do it, but the Lions seem to fool legions and legions of fans every year. I don’t know if anyone in Atlanta knows that the Hawks still exist.
Posted by UMFan from Colorado on 09/08/08 at 12:35 PM ET
The only other team that comes to mind are the Clippers, but I have no evidence to back that up. Also, I’m relatively certain no one actually cares about the Clippers.
Chief, you brought up good points in the WCF-Ilictch, Millen-Holland, and Barry-Captain references. How stark a contrast are Wayne Fontes and Scotty Bowman though? Just picturing Fontes makes we want to spew…
Posted by rwingscup19 from dallas on 09/08/08 at 01:23 PM ET
My youngest son is a faithful Lions fan. At the beginning of every season he says, “This is their breakout year.” He is 25.
Kate, that’s child abuse. Get the kid some and and do the right thing....turn yourself in!
Posted by Rumbear from Sandy Eggo on 09/08/08 at 05:23 PM ET
it was when erik kramer kicked the ghost who was chasing him out of the pocket in the NFC title game gainst the skins. kick a ghost, pay the price.
Posted by dave on 09/08/08 at 05:29 PM ET
Rumbear, did you miss the he is 25? Not a child any more. Just an eternal optimist. And a hard core Wings fan. I know I did one thing right. Besides, he did grow up during the Barry Sanders years.
Posted by Kate from Pa. on 09/08/08 at 06:03 PM ET
Swore off the Lions years ago after the craptacular treatment of Barry Sanders left the team.
I’m completely at ease.
Posted by SYF from Las Vegas, NV on 09/08/08 at 07:35 PM ET
I was at the game Sunday. The Falcons organization gave me a ticket. (The radio station where I work is the flagship station for the Falcons.) At first, I felt the old “oh not again!” Then the “stupid Lions” mentality kicked in and I was free. I enjoyed rooting for the Falcons.
Posted by Margot from Atlanta on 09/09/08 at 07:46 PM ET
Add a Comment
Please limit embedded image or media size to 575 pixels wide.
Add your own avatar by joining Kukla's Korner, or logging in and uploading one in your member control panel.
Captchas bug you? Join KK or log in and you won't have to bother.
Most Recent Blog Posts
Create Your Own Headline For The Wings/Habs Live Blog
Mellow Is The Man Who Hosts About 120 Live Blogs Per Year
“Faux”…Interesting. Do You Use “Faux”?
Detroit Media: Zero Outrage. Fedorov? Plenty
Well Gary? Your League Is A Joke
Gambling In Havana? Hiding In Honduras? Dad? Get Me To A Live Blog…STAT
About Abel to Yzerman
Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977. No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y. Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation. There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature. Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome:
A2Y Stuff
-----------------------------
Wanna Feel Smart?
Does confusion make you sad? When you read words like "enigma" and phrases like "Thanks Gary. Ass", do you wonder why mean people speak in languages you don't understand? Fret no longer friend! The A2Y Glossary will bring you great joy and enlightenment.
-----------------------------
How Others View The A2Y 19
"Hell, I guarantee the content co-opters at Abel to Yzerman were about to link this article under the heading “Bitter Blues Fans” again right up until they just read that last half-sentance. Thanks but no thanks, you Kukla hangers-on."
--St. Louis Game Time
"I realize it’s the slow summer season, but can this guy tone down the tough-guy histrionics? His posts are fatiguing on an otherwise excellent site."
--A2Y Fan, Eternal_Fields
"I constantly marvel at how Bill (IwoCPO) and his disciples at Abel To Yzerman can be so pompous and full of themselves throughout every regular season, but come playoff time they collapse into wavering puddles of stress and nervousness as they anxiously await the impending and unavoidable collapse of the Red Wings in the post-season."
--Mile High Hockey
"I hate them because they are better than us. Of all the frigging teams…"
--In The Cheap Seats
"It's just a shame that the most classless, uneducated, lowbrow fanbase in the league gets this sweep. Red Wing fans don't deserve their team."
--Thhom
"I really don’t care what fans or bloggers think."
--Drew Sharp
"Why is it you Detroit fans are still so classless when you have such a classy hockey team, with such a professional GM and gentlemen players? I understand that the author of this blog is a manner-less cad, but the rest of you should be better."
--A2Y Fan, Jeff Beaumont
"Have you ever *read* A2Y? Its the most opinionated, juvenile stuff i've read."
--Paul Nicholson
"I actually like the Detroit team and have a sh&% load of respect for them, but their fans are the biggest douches next to Canadians."
--KStewy, PensBlog Commenter
"Just when it looks like we have bottomed out, the 19 hit a new low."
-A2Y legend, Hockeytown Todd
"And for the record, I don't hate the Red Wings, I hate their fans."
--Douche Bag at Puck Daddy who isn't Wyshynski
"You’re nothing but a douchebag ****, c3po. Go f**k yourself, and learn something about hockey in the process. Nothing ruins my day more than seeing your byline on the kk page."
--Hector, A2Y fan, statesman, Pittsburgh Chapter of Jonas Brothers Fan Club President
"I can just imagine the kindergarten teacher’s reaction when the tyke blurts out 'Mommy says Gary Bettman is a f*cking f*ckface! He wants to give ‘Rosby the bad touch.' ”
--Bella, of the 19
"A2Y is what other blog sites aspire to be when they fail to grow up: intelligent immaturity for the juvenile genius set”
--Captain Dennis Polonich, of the 19
Head to Hockeytown
Blogs the Chief Likes
Pittsburgh Pirates, 16 consecutive losing seasons and counting.
http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/08252/910405-63.stm
At least the Lions made the playoffs during the Clinton administration.
Posted by Seth Rorabaugh from Pittsburgh on 09/08/08 at 03:50 AM ET