Abel to Yzerman
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Giving The Pens The Recognition They Crave
by VooX on 03/21/10 at 06:35 PM ET
Comments (82)
While the Wings lost a game they should have won against the Oilers this week, the Pens had similar problems with a team they should have beaten yesterday, the Hurricanes. Now I don’t feel as bad knowing that every team has trouble bringing the proper intensity to games facing the bottom dwellers.
Today, I will not be telling the Penguins how terrible I think their team is. Instead, I will be giving the Penguins the recognition their fans have been craving since last June. Deprived from accolades and respect all year, Penguins fans have been getting emo and cutting themselves like teenage girls. I will be doing my best to appease the most insecure of fanbases in the NHL, Pens fans, by finally giving them the respect they think they deserve.
I will start at the top of the franchise and work my way down.
Mario Lemieux can cure all diseases
I was very wrong earlier this year when I criticized Mario Lemieux for charging $999 an autograph to eager Penguins fans. At first I thought he was a world-class douche bag. Now I realize he needs the money to fund his Amazing House of Healing.
You see, Super Mario can do no wrong. He is a saint among men with amazing healing powers. He is solely responsible for the end of polio, measles, and AIDS. You haven’t heard about the last one because the government and pharmaceutical companies are keeping it under wraps. Healing the sick takes time. And money. If you can’t understand that $999 for an autograph helps fund his miracle work, you don’t deserve to be in Super Mario’s presence.
Reajean “Ray” Shero is the NHL’s all-time greatest GM
Quite simply, no other NHL General Managers can come close to the genius that is General Manager Ray Shero, or “GMRS” as Pens fans know him. The rest of us should address him as “Your Holiness Ray Shero”, or “I’m not worthy to be in your presence Ray Shero”.
This guy is such an amazing GM, he drafted Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, Marc-Andre Fleury, and Jordan Staal in consecutive years. A stroke of absolute genius. He was so ahead of the curve, no other General Managers even considered drafting those guys. Quite simply, the rest of us aren’t worthy to breathe the same oxygen as His Holiness Ray Shero. Stop breathing now. It’s simply not right. His Holiness needs all the oxygen available to feed his massive brain.
Sidney “C"rosby is the greatest player and captain in NHL history”
I know this because Pierre McGuire told me so. While the rest of us don’t see him backchecking in the Olympics, what we are too naive to understand is that he backchecks so well he is instantly on the attack again. If you blink, you’ll miss it. And for criticizing him we are damn fools.
Throwing pacifiers on the ice at Sid is unfair. After all, living in Mario’s Amazing House of Healing has rubbed off on “C"rosby. Every time Sid whines and cries, an angel gets their wings. If you have a problem with that, then you have a problem with God and that won’t get you anywhere pleasant in the afterlife.
Sid has proven he has the talent and the character to be the preeminent player in the NHL today. Criticisms of him not shaking hands is unfair. In fact, just like in the Olympics, he makes sure his hand has enough snot on it before he shakes hands to ensure that he doesn’t give friction burns to the opposing teams. Quite simply, “C"rosby is a humanitarian who makes Gandhi look like the little slacker he was.
Penguin fans are the NHL’s most loyal
To the rest of us, the seats were empty in Pittsburgh for half a decade until “C"rosby was drafted. Penguins fans know better. They know that the threat of moving the team to Kansas City was enough to pull at Li’l Gary Bettman’s heartstrings. You may recall that the lottery which determined the draft order the year “C"rosby was drafted was done behind closed doors. No members of the media were allowed to witness the lottery.
This secrecy was not because Li’l Gary was rigging the draft so that Pittsburgh would get the first overall pick, but rather he didn’t want the world to see him cry like a baby if Pittsburgh DIDN’T get the first overall pick forcing them to move to Kansas City. To see an (almost) grown man break down in hysterical sobs would have taken away the little credibility Bettman still had, and the NHL couldn’t have that.
Once the fans realized that they had gotten “C"rosby, they resumed attending games knowing that the message had been sent. We have to admire a fanbase so dedicated to their team they force themselves to stay away from games for the good of the team. The rest of us hockey fans should bow at the feet of Pens fans. We are not worthy to call ourselves fans without an intentional and prolonged absence of half a decade to secure a top draft pick.
Pensblog is the greatest hockey blog in the world
While outsiders see a bunch of juvenile morons drooling all over their keyboards, this is not accurate. While some view the humour as base and the photoshops blatantly homo-erotic, this is not a fair assessment. Pen(i)sblog is at the cutting-edge of comedy. Like Bobcat Goldthwait, Yakov Smirnoff, and Gallagher, the jokes at Pen(i)sblog are so cutting-edge the rest of the world will have to wait many years to understand the punchlines.
Pretty soon, the word “WOOOO” will be featured in Presidential Addresses and academic papers. Clearing your mind of coherent thoughts before posting your opinion will be revered as the pinnacle of Zen-Blogging. Remember, today we see Pen(i)sblog as 99% Douche and 1% Stoosh. In 5 years we will be humbled at the avant-garde blog source that they are. They are paving the way for the future of Zen-Blogging. Empty your minds and you will understand where Pen(i)sblog is coming from. Bitches.
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Comments
Someone needs to DM that man the scores or something so he feels a little more in the loop.
Posted by Baroque from Michigan on 03/21/10 at 06:51 PM ET
I always knew you were a closet penguin fan!
Posted by gretzky_to_lemieux on 03/21/10 at 06:58 PM ET
[SHERO]This guy is such an amazing GM, he drafted Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, Marc-Andre Fleury, and Jordan Staal in consecutive years
He actually only drafted Staal. But who ever fact checks anymore.
Posted by gretzky_to_lemieux on 03/21/10 at 07:00 PM ET
Today’s key games, my picks in bold:
Lames / Mild
Crashville / Boos
‘Yikes / d’ Fars
Dive / Ucks
Starks / Oil
L.G.R.W.
Oh, and what a great morning, eh?
Posted by stonehands-78 from the beginning ... a WingsFan, on 03/21/10 at 11:10 AM ET
The above from earlier today.
So far, the Lames fall to the Mild, 4-3.
In SL, it’s tied after 2.
In the lone R state, ‘Yikes up 1-0 after 1.
Tomorrow, a “W” over the Pins gives us 2 more points in the quest to & through the playoffs.
Again,
L.G.R.W.
Posted by stonehands-78 from the beginning ... a WingsFan, on 03/21/10 at 07:01 PM ET
How does such an overall great site, allow someone like you (VooX) access to it? These are the kind of posts that ruin all credibility that I’m sure Paul has worked hard to earn…
Slow day in Detroit i guess, and here i was thinking that after almost 10 months you’d be over the Wings choking before they lost 4 of the last 5 games in the Finals.
And the seats in Detroit are far from full this season…
Posted by Greg on 03/21/10 at 07:04 PM ET
He actually only drafted Staal. But who ever fact checks anymore.
Posted by gretzky_to_lemieux on 03/21/10 at 08:00 PM ET
He doesn’t have to, half the Wings fans who check this are so brainwashed anyway, they don’t need facts.
Posted by Greg on 03/21/10 at 07:05 PM ET
Boos score (after review), 2-1 with 16:31 to go in the 3rd.
Posted by stonehands-78 from the beginning ... a WingsFan, on 03/21/10 at 07:06 PM ET
Still don’t know why Paul let’s you post on this blog. We are all dumber for reading this garbage. Calling it childish would be complimenting this dribble.
Posted by McFly on 03/21/10 at 07:07 PM ET
Still don’t know why Paul let’s you post on this blog. We are all dumber for reading this garbage. Calling it childish would be complimenting this dribble.
Posted by McFly on 03/21/10 at 08:07 PM ET
It’s probably what they want, to get rid of any real hockey fans, so they can go back to the 19 visits a day…Speaking of, I’ve been wondering before, but am now really curious, are there any other sites similar to Kuklas Korner? if this is the kind of articles that are going to be happening more frequently, i may need a new home page. (Sorry Paul)...
Posted by Greg on 03/21/10 at 07:11 PM ET
Your contempt for the Penguins is the biggest compliment you can give them. The Red Wings had a good run, but are now over the hill and their time is over. Do the respectable thing and accept it. You can face the reality and know when your time is over like Yzerman, or drag it on to the point of being pathetic like Chelios. The Red Wings will remain a good team for a while, but are no longer elite. Get over it, nobody likes a sore loser.
Posted by Bane101 from Canada on 03/21/10 at 07:22 PM ET
Nash ties it with 3:30 to go.
‘Yikes up 2-1, 4:55 to go in 2nd.
Nash go up 3-2, 2:46 to go.
Posted by stonehands-78 from the beginning ... a WingsFan, on 03/21/10 at 07:31 PM ET
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIdMjgkMaAs
Posted by 42jeff from Minot, North Dakota on 03/21/10 at 07:35 PM ET
Crashville wins.
nuts
‘Yikes up 2-1 after 2.
Posted by stonehands-78 from the beginning ... a WingsFan, on 03/21/10 at 07:38 PM ET
These are the kind of posts that ruin all credibility that I’m sure Paul has worked hard to earn…
Exactly.
Posted by Red Chief on 03/21/10 at 07:58 PM ET
Evening bitches. I wasn’t able to LB last night but I did watch the game (and was hammered while doing it) at a bbq at my friend’s house with two Caps fans, funny how high they are on their team’s season this year. I told them that the only team they really need to watch out for in the playoffs is the Devils.
On another note, what a fricking game last night. Jesus. Glad to see Fil showing up, he has been a bit fluky and absent lately. Unfortunately I may not be joining you all for the LB tomorrow as I can’t stomach the trolls. Seriously, worst fanbase in the NHL.
Posted by stayouttamalibu from Temporarily in Tempe, AZ on 03/21/10 at 08:01 PM ET
Posted by Greg on 03/21/10 at 08:11 PM ET
Then just follow the KK Hockey page and whatever individual blogs you want, and ignore the ones you don’t. Duh. You don’t have to read every single post on every single blog at the site - there are 10 of them, after all.
Posted by Baroque from Michigan on 03/21/10 at 08:01 PM ET
if this is the kind of articles that are going to be happening more frequently, i may need a new home page. (Sorry Paul)…
Posted by Greg on 03/21/10 at 08:11 PM ET
So what your saying is Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wings blog, is your home page. I understand the utter contempt I really do, but I do not read the Pensblog because I am not interested in it. It must be very difficult to have someone hold a gun to your head and make you read this (again I emphasize) RED WINGS blog. I think the great George Carlin said it best, and you can make it fit here if you really use that noggin of yours. “There are two knobs on the radio. One changes that station and the other turns it off”. Imagine that, freedom of choice.
Posted by AxeMaster9 on 03/21/10 at 08:15 PM ET
I try not to comment on these dumb ass trolls but when they start going after Paul it gets to me.
Posted by AxeMaster9 on 03/21/10 at 08:16 PM ET
So His Holiness Ray Shero didn’t draft all the players I thought he did. Shows how much I give a fuch about the Pens.
Posted by VooX from Behind the Bar in the Hasek Club Car on 03/21/10 at 08:33 PM ET
Definitely unfollowing this on twitter.
Whoever is in charge needs to rethink who writes on here.
P.S: Wings still lost last year to the Pens. Don’t be picking Wings to lift that Cup for a while
Posted by Ada111 from MS on 03/21/10 at 08:35 PM ET
Voox, you forgot to mention that Pens fans are so dedicated that they will actually stick their necks out and venture into enemy territory here at A2Y to defend their team at all costs, no matter how asinine the argument. That’s dedication right there, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Posted by D4LRob on 03/21/10 at 08:46 PM ET
Ok Pens SUCK, Geno Sucks, Crosby Sucks, Shero Sucks, and your new arena will SUCK. How many blogs say the Wings are to old, can’t fill the Joe, and the fans are the worst in the league? Don’t get butt hurt over a blog post, grow up and grow a pair. This isn’t a pay site that you rely on for your stock tips it’s a place of hockey blogs. With that said L.G.R.W.
Posted by hiero4life on 03/21/10 at 08:50 PM ET
Can’t wait for the chief to get back. A2Y with the Chief was a good read. An intelligent, funny, and sarcastic as hell blog. A2y with Voox is a 5th graders attempt at being the Chief. Unintelligent, not funny, and a sarcasm fail.
Posted by Kstewy16 on 03/21/10 at 08:55 PM ET
Posted by Kstewy16 on 03/21/10 at 09:55 PM ET
He’s at sea until April, so you can check back after the end of the month, then.
Posted by Baroque from Michigan on 03/21/10 at 09:01 PM ET
‘Yikes win in skills comp.
Ucks up 4-2 with 14:45 left in 3rd
(Dive scored twice so far in 4th)
Oil up 3-0 with 12:00 to go in 3rd.
L.G.R.W.
Posted by stonehands-78 from the beginning ... a WingsFan, on 03/21/10 at 09:05 PM ET
Not entirely true Rob, though of course I can’t speak for all. Some of us Pens fans linger around here because we actually enjoy The Chief’s commentary; even if we might find it a bit misguided. We can relate to kicks to the groin (David Volek) and petulant, whining, attention-starved rival fanbases (Caps) all the same.
That said, The Chief cannot come back soon enough. A pivotal SC rematch tomorrow night with giant playoff implications and this is the best A2Y offers? An egregious crash and burn.
Posted by CJ on 03/21/10 at 09:06 PM ET
I try not to comment on these dumb ass trolls but when they start going after Paul it gets to me.
Posted by AxeMaster9 on 03/21/10 at 09:16 PM ET
so another wings fan letting the facts get in the way of a good story…did you even read what i wrote? where did i go after Paul? was it when i said he worked hard, and had credibility, unlike Vikki?
if this is the kind of articles that are going to be happening more frequently, i may need a new home page. (Sorry Paul)…
Posted by Greg on 03/21/10 at 08:11 PM ET
So what your saying is Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wings blog, is your home page.
I have Kuklas Korner as home page…
Posted by Greg on 03/21/10 at 09:18 PM ET
Dear Pens fans,
If you want serious stats and numbers, visit The Puck Stops Here. There are a lot of blogs on this site. This is ONE. Feel free to not read it.
I’ve never seen a team win by a hair and then act as if they dominated every team on the planet. Insecure much, yinzers? When does football season start back up? I’m looking forward to Monday and imagining people crying in their Iron City beer and wiping the tears away with gold dishtowls.
Posted by redxblack from Akron Ohio on 03/21/10 at 09:24 PM ET
Mr. Dubnyk, Shark-killer.
//giggles hysterically 
Posted by Baroque from Michigan on 03/21/10 at 09:28 PM ET
And Voox - you tried. Apparently the pens fans didn’t get enough recognition. You might need to ratchet it up a bit.
Posted by redxblack from Akron Ohio on 03/21/10 at 09:28 PM ET
That said, The Chief cannot come back soon enough. A pivotal SC rematch tomorrow night with giant playoff implications and this is the best A2Y offers? An egregious crash and burn.
Posted by CJ on 03/21/10 at 10:06 PM ET
And yet it still got you to post.
Sharks losing to Edmonton 5-1 with 2 minutes left, wow. Looks like they have gone into full blown playoff mode a few weeks early.
Posted by stayouttamalibu from Temporarily in Tempe, AZ on 03/21/10 at 09:29 PM ET
And now with the Coyotes win tonight, they are tied with the Hawks for first in the West. Unbelievable.
Posted by stayouttamalibu from Temporarily in Tempe, AZ on 03/21/10 at 09:32 PM ET
i may need a new home page. (Sorry Paul)…
Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. And good riddance.
Posted by calquake from from here on 03/21/10 at 09:32 PM ET
Update on the Chief from FaceBook:
USS Carl Vinson (CVN 70) King Neptune has recently notified us of his “Royal Displeasure” that we have chosen to sail on his seas with nearly 3,000 landlubbers aboard the ship. These “pollywogs” have not yet recognized the soverignity of Neptune’s domain, and crossing the equator earlier in our deployment has especially aggrivated His Majesty…. Later this week, the “pollywogs” will stand before King Neptune and his Royal Court to answer for their transgressions.
2 hours ago
Posted by stonehands-78 from the beginning ... a WingsFan, on 03/21/10 at 09:33 PM ET
Approximately 25 days until The Return of the Chief.
Posted by monkey from here to Timbuktu on 03/21/10 at 09:35 PM ET
I was inspired by the Sharks-Oilers game tonight.
Posted by Seaner in Sharkville from Silicon Valley on 03/21/10 at 09:37 PM ET
Unintelligent, not funny, and a sarcasm fail.
Posted by Kstewy16 on 03/21/10 at 09:55 PM ET
Exactly the way I feel about Pensblog. Get over yourself. Don’t like it? Don’t f*&^king read it. Same way I look at that blog (I don’t).
Posted by calquake from from here on 03/21/10 at 09:38 PM ET
Posted by Seaner in Sharkville on 03/21/10 at 10:37 PM ET
Ahhh, golf. The worst sport in the history of the world. Beautiful country though.
Posted by monkey from here to Timbuktu on 03/21/10 at 09:40 PM ET
Ahhh, golf. The worst sport in the history of the world.
It’s not a sport. It’s a drinking game.
Posted by D4LRob on 03/21/10 at 09:41 PM ET
Phoenix- wow. It’s like they’ve risen from the ashes.
Posted by monkey from here to Timbuktu on 03/21/10 at 09:42 PM ET
It’s not a sport. It’s a drinking game.
Ahhhhh, golf. The worst drinking game in the history of the world.
Posted by monkey from here to Timbuktu on 03/21/10 at 09:43 PM ET
Phoenix- wow. It’s like they’ve risen from the ashes.
WOW yotes are tied with baby bro. Who’da thought?
Posted by Rondo on 03/21/10 at 10:55 PM ET
if this is the kind of articles that are going to be happening more frequently, i may need a new home page. (Sorry Paul)…
Posted by Greg on 03/21/10 at 08:11 PM ET
You went after Paul by saying you may need a new home page, therefore lowering the readership of Pauls website, because of a Red Wings blog that you are apparently forced somehow to read everyday.
So what your saying is Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wings blog, is your home page.
I have Kuklas Korner as home page…
Posted by Greg on 03/21/10 at 10:18 PM ET
I apologize here as I may have went further then your mind can process. Clearly you do not understand sarcasm. I understand that Kuklas is your home page. Yet you choose to read A2Y. This is not rocket science… I feel like I am in crazy town with these pens fans.
Posted by AxeMaster9 on 03/21/10 at 11:31 PM ET
I hate Cindy and the other Pens more than Dick Cheney hates liberals. I even hate Mario; I have hated him since when he was a player.
It’s crystal clear that the organ-I-zation is superior to Pitt on all levels: personnel, management, tradition, and history. Yet the constant bashing of that club by fans of the Winged Wheel continues. Dedicating an entire post to bashing the Pens reeks of insecurity.
“The loudest one in the room is the weakest one in the room.”
Posted by mike from austin on 03/21/10 at 11:32 PM ET
The fact that you wasted time to write this garbage is the ultimate display of insecurity….As a Pens Fans…I find the hate nourishing.
Posted by Jim on 03/21/10 at 11:59 PM ET
Busy, busy Monday.
No LB 4 me.
I will not be missing the game.
And
I will have adult supervision as my brother is joining me.
Pens have dropped 4 of their last 6, one more won’t hurt as they have a pretty soft schedule after tomorrow. The 2 against Washington should even be a gimme because we all know they have no respect for the Caps either.
I’ve been scouting the neighborhood for stray pets because I would like to see the Wings embarass the Pens.
Wings short bench is a little scary, exhausted players are a little injury prone….
Toss Jobu some red meat late Monday afternoon.
Posted by HockeyTownTodd on 03/22/10 at 12:31 AM ET
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I have to interject here to give due respect to the Chief for calling the results of the West Coast road trip from 6,000 miles away:
I know a prediction when I see one. The man has a gift.
Posted by monkey from here to Timbuktu on 03/21/10 at 06:40 PM ET