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Good God I’m A Genius

by IwoCPO on 04/09/08 at 05:47 AM ET
Comments (6)

I’ve considered some serious research the last two nights, scouring the geek stat sites, flipping through thumb charts, even dipping into the book report I did on the 2003 draft.  Wanna see it?  It’s right here for you to peruse.

My intent?  To provide you with some quality, unbiased, fact-based predictions you can take to the bank and impress your neighbors with.

That was the intent. But I got bored looking at stats, so I got wasted instead.

Just the first round today children.  Then, if the Wings advance we’ll do the second round. If providence makes little baby Jesus cry and the Wings lose? Well, I’ll disappear just like I do every other year the Wings have been knocked out early.  That’s reality. 

Montreal and Boston.  I love the city of Boston.  I’ve never been to Montreal.  I like the conversations in Boston, the fact that you can walk into a bar and jump into a quick-witted debate with anyone on any topic.  Montreal has a lot of French people.  I don’t like people who, when we ask them for support, forget that we saved their asses on multiple occasions.  And I despise Patrick Roy, who I think is French.  And so, based on those opinions, I’ll say the Habs in 4.

Pittsburgh and Ottawa.  Bad goaltending in the playoffs makes me sad.  But so does the mainstream media with Crosbysackonthechinitis.  Ottawa has bad goaltending and a coach who led the Wings to what still has to be considered the most shocking, disgusting, officious upset of the last two decades.  Pittsburgh’s not much better in the goalie department if you ask me, but that won’t be exposed until round 2.  Pittsburgh in 5.

Washington and Philadelphia. Derien Hatcher’s skating with a broken leg. He says he’s gonna play.  He’s a very fast, slick skater. Almost nimble.  And he’s very smart, just like his Flyer teammates.  Very smart.  I have visions, though, of me in June, in the Verizon Center, cheering for a team in red that is not Washington.  I see it so clearly.  I hear harps when I see it and I smell daisies.  There are puppies there and firetrucks outside.  It’s joyous.  Caps in 6.

New York and New Jersey. Brendan Shanahan left money on the table in Detroit so that he could go to New York and lead the Rangers to victory.  Shanny has three Cups to his credit and a legacy of clutch performances in the playoffs.  He will shoot dozens of pucks at Martin Brodeur, who will stop every one of them.  But it won’t matter because other people will make Marty cry.  Rangers in 6.

San Jose and Calgary.  Until Joe Thornton does something to distinguish himself in the playoffs, he’ll be referred to by me as Joey.  I can’t stand Ron Wilson and his stupid mind games. Calgary has two guys: Jarome and Kipper and Kipper’s not playing like Kipper but Jarome’s definitely playing like Jarome.  All the cool kids like San Jose to win it all.  I’m not that cool and I’m saying Calgary in 6.

Minnesota and Denver.  Minnesota’s an afterthought.  If they win we’ll still never see them because they won’t get by whoever they’d play in the second round.  If the Dive win there’s a good chance we’ll play them next.  Words can’t express the joy I feel when Dive fans are sad.  And when we can be the cause of such sadness? Few things in life compare.  Does that make me pathetic? Of course it does.  And let me put it bluntly.  I honestly don’t give a shit.  Dive in 6.

Poultry and Stars.  Much like the passage above, I take great enjoyment from seeing Anaheim lose.  The schematics are different though.  Where I deeply despise the Dive fan, I don’t give a second thought to those who claim to follow the Ducks. It’s the players I don’t like.  Sasquatch is an illiterate cheap shot artist with a face made for high impact with frozen rubber.  Corey Perry, while still cut open like the belly of a fish, is a punk ass. Scott Niedermayer, everyone’s sublime hero, had no problems taking his organ-I-zation hostage and saying screw you to the guys who got burned in his wake.  Dallas has no chance.  Zero. Poultry in 4.

Wings and Bubba.  I’m not talking about this series. Haven’t paid much attention to either team and don’t feel comfortable commenting.  Wings in 5.  Abbadabbadoo scores in his first ever playoff game.

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Comments

Here you go…

Montreal in 4

Pittsburgh in 5

Caps in 6

Rangers in 6

Wings in 5

San Jose will go down but not this round, Sharks in six

Minnesota in six

Evil Empire Jr. (Dallas) in seven (ugh, most go wash hands now)

Posted by hockeychic from Denver, CO on 04/09/08 at 07:11 AM ET

Chief, with your daily plethora of updates I’ve come to think of you as the Sven of Wings coverage. Everyone needs their own Sven.

Montreal in 5

Pittsburgh in 6

Caps in 7

New York in 5

San Jose in 6

Dive in 5

Ducks in 6

Wings in 6

Posted by AndrewB from TN on 04/09/08 at 07:32 AM ET

For the record, here’s what the Free Press is predicting:

Montreal loses one but stays dominant over old rival. Canadiens in 5.
Pittsburgh gets revenge for last year’s ouster. Penguins in 5.
Washington proves worthy, then runs out of gas. Flyers in 6.
No Stephane Matteau this time, but New York settles it in Game 7 overtime. Rangers in 7.
Nashville gives Detroit a scare. Red Wings in 6.
These Flames lack enough firepower for upset. Sharks in 5.
Stingy Minnesota guts one out. Wild in 7.
Anaheim starts another run. Ducks in 6.

Posted by Cwix from Roanoke, VA on 04/09/08 at 07:45 AM ET

Minnesota.  Watch out for them, Red Wings.

Posted by w2j2 on 04/09/08 at 07:46 AM ET

Check out my predictions and analysis on my blog, NHLNow.com.

IwoCPO, you really think Ducks in 4?  I think they’ll win, but 4 seems like a stretch, especially if Turco plays at anywhere near the level he did against the ‘Nucks last year.

Oh, and just for you: GO AVS!

Posted by NHLJeff from Pens fan in Chicago, IL on 04/09/08 at 03:21 PM ET

I agree with Chief that the Sharks go down in six. Calgary is more physical, I can’t stand either team but I am pissed about hearing San Jose….screw them. Also, poultry ....get your feathers pulked off!

Posted by dwingsrock from VA on 04/09/08 at 04:39 PM ET

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