Abel to Yzerman
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I Ask For So Precious Little
by IwoCPO on 05/07/07 at 09:37 AM ET
Comments (25)
I’m betting none of you (with the exception of George Malik) can tell me from what American icon I stole that title. Please re-read that last line...I said “icon”, not “idol.” It’s important that you know that.
But it’s more important to me that my wishes are granted. And for all that is wholesome and pure, for all that basks in warm sunshine on a May day, for all the happiness of children and the health of puppies...please let this wish be granted.
Please spare me the pain of a Game 7.
I’m low maintenance, you know? I rarely make requests that require much effort. Just some beer, really. But today I’m ramping it up. I’m asking that whoever makes the decisions, whoever controls providence and life’s direction...just do me this one favor.
Make Wednesday just another hump day. Don’t make it A Day That Epitomizes Why The Playoffs Suck.
Oh, I know...it doesn’t take just a snap of the fingers. It can’t be that simple. A few other people have to at least appear to make the effort so that it’s not quite so obvious. You know, the favor you’re granting me. And, yes, I know who those people are. I’m going to tell you. And I’m going to tell you right now.
First: I have a friend from high school (no, not the NoCal Shark fan) who likes to antagonize me via email. He claims he “stopped watching hockey” after the lockout. He says “the game’s changed.” He likes to see himself portrayed as a traditionalist. But more than that, he likes to piss me off. He’s a liar, of course. He’s watched every game. But he needs to stop with the elitist act and climb aboard the wagon (no, not THAT wagon) with the rest of us. He needs to focus his emotions, not on the joy my stress brings him, but on the success of the team he grew up with. Because, if it goes to Game 7....well, if it does, I’m blaming him.
Secondly: Todd Bertuzzi, Dan Cleary, Valteri Filpulla. Kris Draper, Kyle Calder, Kirk Maltby or Jiri Hudler. Mikael Samuellson or, jesus, Robert Lang. If there is any hope at all of my wish being granted, I’m going to need two goals out of that group. Any combination. I don’t care. 2 goals. Because those Sharks, those bastard greedy uncompromising heathens…well, they’re going to be making a unified effort tonite. To do what, you ask? This: to shut down the line that has caused them anguish. Teal elbows and fists and knees and hips are going to attack Hank and Pavel and Homer with fury and abandon. They’ll use curse words and wooden sticks. McClarens and Rivets and Cheechoos and Thorntons. Wave after wave of anger. Because Ronnie Wilson won’t let our top line be the difference. Re-phrase: he’ll try his stupid-ass-goatee’d best to ensure it isn’t. Which may not matter one bit. But if it does, the wish may very well be contingent upon scoring from other sources.
Thirdly: The captain (no capital C yet…just can’t do it yet) has to be aware of the pain a Game 7 will cause us all. He must focused on extinguishing any possibility of that pain. For us…for me, really…he must turn that focus toward the Evil Menace that is Joe Thornton. The captain cannot tire or falter or fail. Despite their best efforts to clone him, the Sharks have only one Thornton. And just as they will try to impose their will on our innocent first line, the Wings must see success through a lens of Thornton failure. There must be a story written tomorrow that points to another Thornton playoff loss. Do I wish to see him cry fake tears at a press conference like Tracy McGrady? No. But he must fail. And our captain must ensure that.
Fourth: Brett Lebda. Does it make me feel dirty to pin my hope, my golden ray of hope, on a Domer? Yes. But I’m looking past that and asking you this: take the needle. Embrace the needle. Ride the pain killer and play as if your ankle was created by a team of NASA scientists after a space-shuttle-like skid. Play as if Oscar Goldman was your mentor. Play as if Lindsay Wagner were waiting for you at the end of the tunnel…bionic nympho that she is. Because Brett? We can handle one Griffin on the blue line. But two? No.
And Fifth: My god Dom you crazy, Czech miracle of insanity. I know you’ve played very well. We know you haven’t allowed more than two goals this entire series. We know you’ve done your part. We read about your anger after a soft goal; and we bask in the warmth of that anger. We do. But we may need more tonite if this wish has legs. We may need you to, yes, steal us a game. Happiness has no place in your heart today Dom. Blacken your heart early. Ice it down and think mean Eastern European thoughts. Don’t wait for a softie to let that anger wash over you. Today you must take on the persona of Kaiser Schozie (oh, please…do you really think I was gonna look THAT up?). Not tonite, Dom. Today. Start angry.
It is but a simple wish. So tiny in the grand scheme of things. Do I hope for world peace? No, I like employment. Do I hope for an earth that remains vibrant and healthy for centuries to come? Yes, for I enjoy the bounty that comes with barley and hops and cheddar cheese. But is that more important than winning a Game 6 in San Jose?
Oh no. Not even close.
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Comments
Chief, Witty—very witty—as usual. I have already determined to sacrifice a “nice bass” to the hockey gods in hopes that will appease them and grant the Wing victory tonite!!!
Posted by Jeff - - OklahomaWingNut from Tornado Alley on 05/07/07 at 09:47 AM ET
Chief, You are an inspiration to us all!
Semper Fi!
Posted by cementslinger from Midland MI on 05/07/07 at 10:15 AM ET
The captain (no capital C yet…just can’t do it yet)
Yet? What do you mean yet? How about NEVER? There will never be another Captain on the Red Wings - only captains. Ever.
Posted by Paul from Miami Beach on 05/07/07 at 10:19 AM ET
“...Dom you crazy, Czech miracle of insanity.”
Just hilarious!
Posted by OlderThanChelios from Grand Rapids, MI on 05/07/07 at 10:24 AM ET
One of the Wings should try to score a garbage goal on Hasek in warm-ups. Bank the puck off him from behind the net when he’s not looking or something. Get it out of his system and get him pissed off before the game, instead of waiting until half way through the first period.
Posted by Paul from Miami Beach on 05/07/07 at 10:28 AM ET
Have Homer score one and then laugh in his face. That seems to tick off every other goaltender in the league.
Posted by Baroque from Michigan on 05/07/07 at 11:24 AM ET
You know, there’s a flip side to the Hasek coin, and maybe one that we’re all overlooking. Yeah, he gets pissed when he lets in a soft goal to give the Sharks the 1-0 lead, but the rest of the Wings get pissed too. The games turn on those soft goals. The Wings with the early lead are as complacent as the Sharks are in every game of this series.
So I hate to say it...but maybe the team needs the early deficit?
Maybe the loss of Schneider puts enough fear in this team that they’ll play with the same intensity that they do when they’re trying to come from behind.
Posted by Gabriel from San Diego, CA on 05/07/07 at 11:39 AM ET
I have to miss the game tonight because I teach on Monday nights. So I’m firing up TiVo again. So far my TiVo record is 3-1. Please, not a Game 7. Wings need to end it tonight, I think it is time for a key Maltby goal.
Posted by hockeychic from Denver, CO on 05/07/07 at 12:21 PM ET
Yep. I’m still waiting for the patented and timely Maltby short-handed goal…
Beauty piece there Chief.
Posted by Hoser from Downer Peninsula, Michigan on 05/07/07 at 12:42 PM ET
Ditto on the Maltby goal. A short-hander to suck the last of the breath out of the fish!!!!
Posted by Jeff - - OklahomaWingNut from Tornado Alley on 05/07/07 at 01:19 PM ET
And one from Chelios on the power play...since he keeps nagging for more time on special teams other than penalty killing.
Posted by Baroque from Michigan on 05/07/07 at 01:23 PM ET
To be honest, I don’t think Detroit has too much to worry about. If the last game was any indication, the Sharks should be done in six games. Granted, the game is being played in San Jose, but the Wings played relatively well there. I just don’t think there will be a game 7 in this series.
That’s the closest I’ll ever get to an endorsement, by the way.
Posted by Dear Lord Stanley on 05/07/07 at 01:38 PM ET
Whew! Win game six...okay, for a minute there I thought you wer’e gonna ask for “Whirled Peas” or something like that!
Posted by Rumbear on 05/07/07 at 01:44 PM ET
Wow.
It’s hard to villify Dear Lord Stanley for being a Diques fan when he says such intelligent things…
Posted by Gabriel from San Diego, CA on 05/07/07 at 02:48 PM ET
I’m thinking Draper is going to be the man tonight. Our defense is going to be hanging back, not taking too many chances, and Drapes - the wily veteran that he is - will know he has to attack with his speed and grit. Cleary is another guy I could see making a difference tonight - also with speed and tenacity.
But, try as he might, Wilson probably can’t stop the top line. They are just too good.
I have a question, too: why hasn’t Babcock matched up the Draper line with their top line? If he has done this at all, I must have missed it. Does it make a difference that we’re on the road - i.e., does the last change give the home team that advantage as far as matchups go?
p.s. My “code word” is both 24 - does that mean Chelios is going for 2 tonight???
Posted by Pierre on 05/07/07 at 04:34 PM ET
Pierre--
He may be thinking along the same lines as Ottawa against the Penguins. Instead of matching a checking line against Crosby, the Senators went with their big line of Alfredsson-Spezza-Heatley on the rationale that if the Senators had the puck the whole time, Crosby would be that much less dangerous. Those three have developed their defensive game to the point that they aren’t as much of a liability as they used to be earlier (especially Spezza), so they got more ice time and limited the effectiveness of Crosby’s line.
Posted by Baroque from Michigan on 05/07/07 at 05:41 PM ET
Paul: It brings me so much joy to know that there is so much intelligent hockey fanship so geographically close to me.
Posted by Phoebe from Fort Lauderdale, Fla. on 05/07/07 at 05:49 PM ET
Hi Phoebe. It’s lonely down here for a hockey fan, isn’t it?
I know there’s a Rangers fan in my building - he had the game on by the pool yesterday, so he’s not happy today. But the Panthers? Please. I’ll go if the Wings are here.
Posted by Paul from Miami Beach on 05/07/07 at 07:59 PM ET
Great post. And Mikael Samuelsson is answering the call to duty!
Posted by Dave on 05/07/07 at 08:51 PM ET
Oh yeah, the captain made a legendary play to rob Grier of a goal when Hasek pulled one of his crazy goalie moves. That was shades of Tayshaun Prince robbing Reggie Miller of a layup during the 2004 NBA playoffs.
Posted by Dave on 05/07/07 at 08:54 PM ET
“All I’m asking you is to drop trou...”
I have to go do my rock squats, IWO 
Posted by George James Malik from South Lyon, MI on 05/07/07 at 09:00 PM ET
Wow! What a defensive performance, short a couple of big defensemen!
A fine series and a good clean game by the Sharks, after a pretty chippy first five minutes or so…
Posted by Beerme on 05/07/07 at 10:38 PM ET
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Another masterpiece! Well done.
Posted by w2j2 on 05/07/07 at 09:06 AM ET