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I’m Placing The Stairway To Suck Off Limits
by IwoCPO on 11/24/09 at 03:42 PM ET
Comments (118)
No more Zeppelin. It’s simply not working and, honestly, it may be an idea that has doomed the first two months of the season. I’m man enough to admit that I may have contributed to the bad things that have happened. That, et al, is no act. I’m fauxing serious.
Until further notice, I’m going back to an old standard. A Michigan man.
This post is not going to be filled with happiness. I’m just warning you. I’m feeling depressed. How depressed? Well, here’s the cereal I ate this morning.
I called Adrian Dater a biotch on Twitter this morning. Not sure what his recourse could be. Will need to consult with the A2Y Squad of Attorneys and see if I’m in danger of litigation. I can’t afford much more than a six pack of PBR if he elects to sue.
But, hell, first Oprah announces that her shove it all in, lose it, eat some more, lose that shit too, then screw it I’m fat and I dig it farewell tour has begun. And we were sad. Then her sister @adater calls it quits too? How much am I expected to take in a span of a week? Huh?
So I won’t be sticking up for the Unibomber anymore. While we’re on the subject of talk show divas and candy-ass Denver “journalists”, Todd Bertuzzi looked like a hostess on The View last night. He avoids contact at all costs. He doesn’t “engage.” Drew Miller went to the net and the very sight of it made Bertuzzi queezy. I said last night that he was playing like J. Edgar Hoover. Not because he has an astute crime-fighting mind. But because there’s a good chance he may have been wearing a broach and maybe even fishnet socks.
My comparison was idiotic and insulting. I apologize to the Hoover family. But know this: Todd Bertuzzi looked like absolute, taffy-stuffed garbage last night. I’ve been saying it since 2007. The only way this works is if he regains some of the hatred, or at the very least some passion for the game. The only time I saw a spark of energy out of him was when he was lamely arguing an offensive zone hooking call in the third fauxing period.
Uncle Mike can say all he wants about his backchecking and whatever else he’s complimented J. Edgar on but I’m starting to think the whole Bertuzzi experiment is coming to an ugly end.
Speaking of ugly…dammit, I can’t remember who said it last night but it was so very awesome. If you hate Bertuzzi you can blame the Oompa Loompa. Yep. If Happy Hudler hadn’t taken off for Russia and the land of happy spankers and pliable hookers? We wouldn’t even be talking about this. WTF Happy? W. T. F.
We’re decimated and it’s time we came to realize just how bad this is. The defection of Hossa, Happy Hooker and William Tell left us little room and we all knew it. Now the absence of Franzen, Wally and Willie has crippled the offense. Add in Kronwall, who was looking better and better…and you just feel like tasting gun oil. But hey, you shouldn’t fret. We’re not even in the top five of teams affected most by Sweet Baby Jesus and his sick obscenity of an injury joke. Ready? I knew you were.
This year there has been lots of injuries just like seasons of past, but every year a different team is affected. Below are the top five teams that have been largely affected by key injuries for this season:
#5: New York Islanders:
The Islanders are yet again at the bottom of the table amongst management and stadium problems. Will the Islanders move, it really doesn’t matter at this point because they are in last place in the Atlantic Division and not because of their talent. The Islanders have six players out with injuries, most notably their big money goaltender Rick DiPietro. That 15 year contract is looking more like a problem since DiPietro has yet to have an injury free season since signing. So, what’s more important having a healthy expensive goalie or keeping the Islanders in Long Island?
#4 Edmonton Oilers:
There isn’t much to say for the Oilers, except that they have a league high eight players injured. All are key players and all are costing the team key wins. Granted, the Oilers weren’t expected to have great season but they do look very disappointing thus far.
#3: Vancouver Canucks:
Canucks need not to worry, that broken foot of Daniel Sedin seemed to be healed. Three days ago, he seemed to be out four to six weeks but the announcement was made yesterday that he would most likely play today at Chicago. So, either the foot wasn’t that bad or Sedin is one tough twin who wants to be out there with his brother. The other key loss has to be the often injured Pavol Demitra. If he could only stay healthy he could be huge for any team.
#2 Washington Capitals / Pittsburg Penguins:
Both teams are in first place in their divisions and both are the top two in the East. However, both seem to be stacking up injuries. Washington has seven players out and Pittsburg has five and both seemed to still be playing well, but for how long? The Penguins will most likely continue to play well, despite losing Chris Kuntiz. However, Washington has looked a little sluggish without rookie Quintin Laing, Alexander Semin, and Mike Knuble.
#1 Carolina Hurricanes
If there is any team that is having a disappointing season due to injuries it’s the ‘Canes. Not only are team leaders Cam Ward and Eric Staal still out with injuries from last season but they have yet to find answers or replacements for them. They have looked dismal this year and I wouldn’t look twice if I see Toronto pass them in bottom cellar.
The long term injury of Franzen outweighs every one of them, in my opinion. But…WTF do I know? I only watch the Wings. I’m not a pharmacist. My blog’s “just an act” and I don’t know how to use “et al” in a sentence.
Thankfully, and as a result of last night’s suck fest, Uncle Mike has a plan. I’d like to show it to you.
“...we’ll almost have an eight-man block with six players,’’ Babcock said. “It’s way too complicated to explain, but it’ll be simple.’’
Interns from Grand Valley State said Ansar allegedly nodded his head like he understood a fauxing word of that. Then he explained it this way.
The top two pairs will remain the same (Nicklas Lidstrom-Jonathan Ericsson, Brian Rafalski-Brad Stuart). They’ll play against the opponent’s top two lines. Then he’ll pair one of those players with Brett Lebda and another with Derek Meech to use against the third and fourth lines. And he’ll rotate.
Somebody somewhere said something silly about Chris Osgood. It’s in the live blog and you can look it up if you want. Chris Osgood was far from the problem last night. Far. From. The. Problem bitches. He played awesome. Goaltending is not our issue. Goaltending is not going to make or break this season.
Goaltending is not why we’re fighting for a playoff spot and it’s not why the only team beneath us in the Central is the Bitter Bitch Brittle BlowmeGameTime Blues. Injuries are. And as long as the Wings keep it close until the studs come back, all will be well for all the same reasons we’ve discussed….adversity, experience, blah, blah, blah.
Unless, of course, more injuries are coming down the pike and who the hell are we to say they’re not?
Then we’re boned again and again, like a Dive fan.
Ugliness awaits. More of it. I sense it and so do you. We’ve reached a stage where we don’t even look forward to the games anymore. But it will pass.
Having said that? J. Edgar’s got to go. I’m sick of his pansy ass. Another astute comment from last night? Bertuzzi ruined two careers when he went Bundy on Moore. He’s a shell and a fraud when you compare him to what he used to be. I’m tired of defending him. Floating, avoiding, escaping, giving pucks away like candy at Christmas, letting little itty bitty hockey players push him around when he should striking fear in their rooster hearts.
Time to move on big guy. Your nuts are somewhere else, and they’ve been there for half a decade.
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Comments
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Thanks for the betting info, Jeff. I find it weird that I might win something if I bet on the losing team, but whatever.
Posted by Guilherme from Brazsil on 11/25/09 at 12:51 PM ET
This.
Fly, circus. Fly.
I’ve also been kind of wondering if Datsyuk is going to ask to be traded (as Mark mentioned earlier). I did not like the signing of Bertuzzi, but I could live with it. There have been a lot of players I didn’t exactly love over the years. My husband still wants to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I am with most of you on this one. Unless something is wrong with Dats that we are not privy to, I have to believe it is Bertuzzi sucking the life out of him (or perhaps another bizarre theory - you guys all need to read Tyler’s blog today).
As far as the Lions go, I don’t think it’s weird at all that they are favored to win. Nobody can screw up a game like the Packers, so do not count the Lions out just yet. I also think my family is due for my dad (Packer fan) to freak out, my husband (Lions fan) to gloat, and chaos to ensue.
Posted by jennyquarx on 11/25/09 at 12:51 PM ET
Bold Thanksgiving prediction: Detroit wins the game, but Green Bay is the moral winner. And Anderson scores twice.
Posted by Guilherme from Brazsil on 11/25/09 at 01:01 PM ET
I amd done beating the dead horse of a penalty kill. Now that Helen “Woodward” has discovered the story, I’m sure the appocalypse is nigh.
Onto happier things, like the theme for tonights LB. Will it be
Still the Same (old crappy PK),
(Keep doing the same old thing) Till it Shines
We’ve Got Tonight (to turn this season around)
Feel Like the Number (30 ranked PK)
Horizontal Bop (how to block a shot in 3 easy steps)
(10th place is) No Man’s Land
Roll Me Away (to the Hasek)
OK, so I’m not quite ready to stop beating that dead horse; sue me. And while your attorney fritters away your retainer, see how much fun you can have combining Seger song titles with the plight of the Red Wings this season.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
Posted by CaptainDennisPolonich from Warm and sunny SoCal on 11/25/09 at 01:12 PM ET
Joy oh Joy - - Wings face another hot goalie tonight
Never fear. Osrt and his brother Usrt will be in attendance. Osrt’s current winning streak during games attended is legendary; it dates back to a 1945 game when he left midway through the 3rd period with the Wings leading 2-0, only to have the Blackhawks storm back for a 3-2 victory.
At home that night, his father Esrt scolded, “Osrt, my boy, I have no *#$%@& idea what hockey is. But you were put on this planet to watch it in person, and so help me God(?) I forbid you to beat the traffic ever again.”
To this day Osrt stays two hours after each home game in fear that his omnipresent father is simultaneously patrolling all of the exits.
Posted by Triple Deke Tyler from Lansing on 11/25/09 at 01:13 PM ET
Seems UsedtobeBruisy is going all emo due to his scoring woes. Helene St James, Detroit Free Press:
Todd Bertuzzi, meanwhile, is feeling the pressure after scoring just three goals in 22 games, and producing one assist over the last six games.
Offense on the whole has been hard to come by lately, with five goals in regulation the past four games . . .
I asked Bertuzzi about his lack of production and if he was feeling a bit snake-bit.
“You think?” he replied. “I don’t mean to be sarcastic, but that’s an understatement, to say the least.”
Maybe he’ll take his pissed-off-edness out on some ATL players tonight - - we can hope.
Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 11/25/09 at 01:15 PM ET
I feel like the guy that stopped hanging out with his friends because of the arrival of his first born son. I feel bad, I do. I’ve missed you guys. Just been busy trying to get the new site off of the ground as well as deal with some personal issues.
Not going tonight, but I’ll be going to Ford Field tomorrow and then to the Joe on Friday…that is if my trainer (Chris Tamer) doesn’t kill me first. My self-imposed LB Ban remains. But I have a strange feeling we’re going to have a DRW-DL-DRW “wins sandwich”. Delusional? Don’t you have to be to support the Lions at this point?
Kovalchuck scares me to death. Pavelic does not.
Posted by Animal Drew from A Nightmare on Helm Street on 11/25/09 at 01:17 PM ET
Drew, I was going to tell Chief to update NOHS’s link. But first, you update your signature.
Posted by Guilherme from Brazsil on 11/25/09 at 01:21 PM ET
So Osrt is going tonight, Animal Drew is going on Friday and I’m going on Saturday? (still have an extra ticket, BTW, for anybody interested)
Good, we can just take turns blaming each other for any losses incurred the rest of the week. 
Posted by J.J. from Kansas on 11/25/09 at 01:32 PM ET
Good, we can just take turns taking credit for all of the wins incurred the rest of the week.
Posted by J.J. from Kansas on 11/25/09 at 01:32 PM ET
Fixed.
And I’m two steps ahead of you, Herm. But…Obrigado pela ajuda.
Posted by Animal Drew from A Nightmare on Helm Street on 11/25/09 at 01:42 PM ET
Even though it’s probably already been stated a bunch of times, I still have to chime in.
What the fuch Uncle Mike? What has Eaves done to warrant a healthy scratch? Why are you going to break up the hottest line we have going, but yet keep together that pile of suck known as our top line. Even if you won’t scratch StillShitty, why not scratch Ville “I’m a little bitch” Leino? If Eaves needs a game off because of getting pasted by someone the past the couple games, then ok. But if it really is just a healthy scratch turn for Eaves, I really question that decision.
Posted by Alzy from Innisfail, Alberta, Canada on 11/25/09 at 01:54 PM ET
Posted by WingsFanInBeanLand from Lidstrom's head telling him 1 more year on 11/25/09 at 01:54 PM ET
Alzy, the only explanation is Babs is nuts. Or Eaves needs some rest. It kills me that Uncle Mike has the balls to sit Maltby, Draper, Helm, Eaves and Leino but doesn’t say a word about Tuzzi (that little call out was lame).
I remember when Hank was called out, and we wondered why Babs didn’t do the same with Datsyuk. Someone said Hank handled better those kind of things, and Datyuk not. Maybe playing with TuzziKamon is Pav’s “calling out”, as in “play well or this moving corpse will always be on the ice with you”.
Posted by Guilherme from Brazsil on 11/25/09 at 02:16 PM ET
WFIBL + 1111one
That is excellent.
Posted by Triple Deke Tyler from Lansing on 11/25/09 at 02:40 PM ET
Posted by WingsFanInBeanLand from Earth. on 11/25/09 at 01:54 PM ET
Excellent. Good work.
(Can we have Babs or Tick Tock delivering the slap?)
Posted by stonehands-78 from the beginning ... a WingsFan, on 11/25/09 at 03:11 PM ET
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Lets Go Red Wings!!!!!
Posted by Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit on 11/25/09 at 12:43 PM ET