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I’m Pretty Sure I Could Beat Up Jordin Tootoo

by IwoCPO on 04/11/08 at 09:29 AM ET
Comments (10)

Someone’s going to.  If not McCarty, then Drake.  If not Drake, then Downey.  If not Downey, then it will probably be me.  Sooner or later, it’s gonna be go time for me and Tootoo.  We’re on a collision course, he and I. 

No. Not really. I’m kidding. I don’t actually expect to fight Jordin Tootoo.  Who do I think I am, an Ottawa beat writer? 

But if it does go down, I’ve already decided where.  A carnival, both of us wearing those puffy ninja suits. 

You know, my life will go on if I don’t get to fight Jordin Tootoo.  I’m trying to think of the positive effect it would have on my family, my community.  Oh, the immediate benefit would be there.  Everyone would be excited and happy that I beat up Jordin Tootoo.  But a few hours later?  It really wouldn’t matter.

Would I relish the memory of giving Jordin Tootoo a beatdown, while wearing puffy ninja suits at a carnival?  Of course.  But, it would be a personal thing.  The feat itself really wouldn’t do much for the neighborhood, the community, the other carnival-goers.  Not in the long run.

So, I’m not really planning on it. I mean, if Jordin Tootoo snears at me at the carnival, I might snear back, or stare him down like guys do.  But, unless he puts the ninja suit on--the puffy one--first?  I’ll probably just let it go, because there will be other issues to deal with that day...like winning the game where you squirt streams of water at the targets that send the horses down the track.  Winning’s the thing.  Now, if beating up Jordin Tootoo could possibly affect the outcome of the squirt gun horsey game?  Yes, I’d put the puffy suit on first and I’d challenge Jordin Tootoo right then and there.

But I can’t figure out a way the two complement each other.

Kicking Jordin Tootoo’s ass in front of the entire carnival, a crowd that comes close to 20,000 most days?  That would get me some slaps on the back from the guys, but really...he’s kind of a sideshow.  The big issue is the squirt gun race, not the puffy ninja suit fight.  If my friends were younger, or if they lacked confidence and needed some sort of boost before we started the squirt gun horsey relay?  The fight might do the trick.

But this isn’t my friends’ first carnival.  Most of them consider Tootoo something of a fruitfly, a minor irritant. 

Nothing’s set in stone.  I’m pretty sure we’re going to win the squirt gun relay.  But if we fall behind, I might let Jordin Tootoo goad me into one of those puffy ninja suits.  And if that happens, we’re gonna go.  But right now?  Not quite necessary.

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Comments

I felt that way when I bumped into Eddie Belfour at a carnival in his hometown back in 95.  It was nice to see that even in his hometown, people thought he was a jerk…

At the end of the game on Thursday night, Tootoo found himself deep in the Wings’ end as time expired.  He had to slink his whiny little butt out of there, and he also had to skate right past the Wings’ bench as it basically emptied with him stuck out there, and who was there to watch him pass?  McCarty.  He just stood in the open door, refusing to leave the bench until he gave Tootoo what I’m sure were words of encouragement

Posted by George James Malik from South Lyon, MI on 04/11/08 at 09:16 AM ET

Chief, if your fight with Jordin Tootoo were to be covered in the press, Pierre McGuire would talk about how much trouble you would have with one of Nashville’s “great young players.” Be prepared.

Posted by TDeters on 04/11/08 at 09:17 AM ET

I agree. Your metaphorical squirtgun race though was very, yeah I’ll say it, Delicate Genius. I’ll go to my corner of the car now and await having someone hang me on the next passing mail hook.  Seriously, if someone fights Tootoo (please Mac, please Mac) I believe it will help me cope with my ever present anxiety.  For about five minutes or so all will be right with this world and music will be playing and birds will be singing etc.  OKay game by the Wings last night, but not great.  You nailed it on the head that the Preds would have to play a PERFECT game and all the wings need to do is play a good one. Would like to see the Wings play great at least once in this series, though.  I’d like to see them pull away both on the scoresheet and not just on puck possesion.

Posted by AndrewB from TN on 04/11/08 at 09:20 AM ET

Thanks for that Malik.  I love seeing Mac back in red and white, and I think he is taking his role very seriously.  Here’s hoping the guy is turning things around both on and off the ice. Hope he’s in for game two.

Posted by AndrewB from TN on 04/11/08 at 09:23 AM ET

I’d like to waterboard that Inbred Inuit, even though it’s remotely possible that he doesn’t know the location of any terrorist training camps.

Posted by O-Joe on 04/11/08 at 09:32 AM ET

If you couldn’t beat him up in puffy suits, it would reflect poorly on your Navy training.

You’d never hear the end of it. 

Posted by Baroque from Michigan on 04/11/08 at 10:10 AM ET

come on Baroque, It’s the Navy. They already wear those puffy suits!

Posted by cementslinger on 04/11/08 at 10:23 AM ET

Someone absolutely has to take this a**hole out.  I have the distinct feeling that Mac is going to get his hands on that little bastard soon.  That’ll take care of that.

Posted by Chris from Columbia, Tennessee on 04/11/08 at 10:28 AM ET

Ha. You finally made me laugh, genuinely, not in a sarcastic way. Nicely done. I love that everyone hates Toots. Love it.

Posted by PredNeck from Hicktown on 04/11/08 at 11:20 AM ET

There are few things that CBJ and Wings fans can agree on.  This, however, is one of them.

Tootoo is a joke...and it is entirely possible that either Downey or Jared Boll will kill him at some point, during the next season.

Posted by Herringbone from Seattle on 04/11/08 at 12:55 PM ET

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