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Abel to Yzerman

Live Blogging My Call To Direct TV

by IwoCPO on 09/02/08 at 07:48 PM ET
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Last year we live blogged a call to Verizon. It was a huge success.  Huge.  This year, I’m ramping it up. Mainly because the dumpster diving nimrods at Verizon still aren’t offering the Center Ice Package.

Tonite, I’m dialing up Direct TV and it’s only fair that we offer them the same access and opportunity for success.

1950:  “Customers just like you are waiting for service.  We ask that you wait also.  We promise it will be worth the wait.”

We’ll see.

1951:  “It’s important that you get the answers to your questions as quickly as possible…”

I know.  I’m hopeful.

1952:  “Ask us for the exciting details regarding free DVR receivers.  Debit or credit, Visa, AMEX, Discover…it’s your choice, but we do need one.  Pennsylvania and Massachusetts customers are excluded from this requirement.”

Now that’s a bunch of crap.  How do Pens fans pay for Direct TV?  Money order?

1954:  Peyton Frigging Manning is talking to me and it’s all personal.  He says he’ll be on Direct TV all season long. Will I?  Well, we’ll see won’t we?

1955:  Kiara, a live operator. She wants to know who she has the pleasure of speaking with.  I tell her my name and she’s pumped to help me.  “My only goal in life, Kiara, is the Center Ice package with the NHL Network.”

She’s looking it up.  “You want the Center Ice? Hockey?”  “Yes, Ma’am.”  “Just a moment.”  Exciting, just as they said it would be.

1957:  Kiara says installation is free.  “I’m on a military base and the pole may have to be installed.”

Kiara:  “Oh”

1959:  Kiara says the amount for installation reduces greatly if I just install the pole.  Aren’t I a man? Can’t I handle it?  Isn’t that something most men should be able to do?

I tell Kiara that may be beyond my capabilities.

2000:  Kiara, I’d like to know how much it’s going to cost for you guys to install this pole, and I also want to know how many cables are going to be run through my house. Kiara, this is very important to me because it caused some domestic friction last year.  I just want my family to be happy Kiara.  Do you understand?

2001:  Kiara: “Just a moment.”

2004:  Kiara says her supervisor says the installation cost?  They can’t tell me. I tell Kiara last year those bastards tried to charge me more than 300 bucks.  “That’s odd,” says Kiara.  “Really odd.”  I agree. 

2005:  We’re moving on to packages.  Either a one timer of 159 or a four-time payment of 39.  I tell Kiara that the NHL Network should be included with the one, four or more timer packages.  “I just want my hockey Kiara. That’s all I want.  If you just gave me ten channels, all hockey?  I’d face some resistance at home, but I’d deal with it.  Please give me my hockey package Kiara.  You said this would be exciting and I believed you.” 

2009:  Kiara wants to know how many HD tvs we have.  I’m afraid to tell her because I don’t want to sound elitist.  She asks again and tells me she won’t judge.  I let her know we have three.  She wants to sell me the “choice extra” package.  “Not just sports,” says Kiara, “but channels for everyone in the house.”  I ask, “did you say hizzouse?”  “No,” she says, “I said house.”

2016:  Kiara’s talking leasing fees and upwards of 80 bucks/month.  “That’s the best I can do right now.”  Kiara says if I want to switch over later on to another package my monthly bills will drop.  I tell Kiara that just won’t do.  I need to discuss with my recreation director.  She asks again if I’m actually a man, if I make any decisions whatsoever.  “Do you feel comfortable,” Kiara asks, “asking for permission for pretty much everything?” 

2025:  Kiara’s a mean woman, insidious.  Now she’s trying to get me to buy access to the Lions for 16/17 weeks.  Unfair.

2029:  Kiara wanted to charge me an extra 30 bucks (approximately) per month to watch Matt Millen’s Lions.  On principle, I told her I’d have to call her back.  The whole Lions issue has left a bad, sour milk taste in my mouth and it’s—frankly—made me sad.

In other words, I have to get permission…just as Kiara predicted.  More to follow.

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Welcome to Abel to Yzerman, a Red Wing blog since 1977.  No other site on the internet has better-researched, fact-laden and better prepared discussions than A2Y.  Re-phrase: we do little research, find facts and stats highly overrated and claim little to no preparation.  There are 19 readers of A2Y. No more, no less. All of them, except maybe one, are juvenile in nature.  Reminding them of that in the comment section will only encourage them to prove that. Your suggestions and critiques are welcome: .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

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