Abel to Yzerman
Next entry: For The Love Of God, Hide The Kids…Bert’s Running Alongside The Devil
Previous entry: Note To Santa: Suck It Fatass. Down Goes Helm.
On Helmer, On Franzen, Filppula and Williams. Cleary and Kronwall…But At Least There’s Bertuzzi.
by IwoCPO on 12/14/09 at 01:09 PM ET
Comments (63)
When you sign a shoplifting meth head who attempted to molest the collie who lives next to the old woman he flipped off on the way to the Joe because she told him she liked his spin-o-rama? You’re in serious trouble. Payback will be a bitch, sooner or later.
I’m not pushing religion on you. I think you know that.
But it’s pretty motherf…front page…sorry…
...ucking clear that God hates the Wings.
It could be the animal sacrifices we made two years ago during the WCF or it might be the insinuations that Thid Rosby is really the illegitimate daughter of Gary Bettman and Tiger Woods’ mother-in-law. Whoa…just a rumor. Don’t blame me for what I hear.
Or it could easily be the fact that God has decided that too much success is just not good for any organ-I-zation. So he’s decided to wreck havoc on joy.
I don’t know and I’m tired of guessing the reasons. I just know that Helm is down and we’re numb to it. You weren’t surprised when you read it and you won’t be surprised tomorrow when it’s Hank or Homer. Oh yeah. I did it. STFU. Don’t tell me I’ve jinxed anything because we’re already jinxed. It’s not gonna end with Helm because He is having TOO MUCH FUN to stop now. God may be a Wing fan, and I believe he is, but he’s also a jokester. Here’s to you God…good one bitch.
Oh yeah. I’ll see you in hell.
Not you God. Everyone who laughed at that or, really, is still reading.
Well. Shit. What do you expect? Am I supposed to be handling this one calmly? Does anyone even remember how it started? Who went first? Guess with me. Don’t look it up.
Franzen, Williams, Filppula, Kronwall, Cleary, Helm? Is that right?
But you know what? Everything’s gonna be ok. Because while the Dive are hauling in 11 thousand fans a night in Denver? The Wings will be saved by the man whose visage literally makes them sob in the Ass Can. Here. Take this: Steve Moore? I hope you’re ok. I hope you’re living a good life. But I’m here to tell you that he was no innocent. Bertuzzi didn’t exactly bust a cherry that night. I bring that up why?
Because if Michael Myers is gonna stay hot and lead us through this time of locusts and floods? He’s going to be hated even more. If he stays hot? You’ll see the likes of Dater and Frei and the tummy rubbing, hyphenated, French named Dive bloggers just sobbing from the roof tops.
And I say bring it. Frigging. Bring. It. If I’m gonna suffer through this freight train to the nut sack of a season full of knees, wrists, concussions, shoulders and suckfests? Then I want to be seriously despised by the lily white elitists and hypocrites.
Two OT winners on consecutive nights? Suck it. Four goals in two games when we needed them the most? Seriously, dude. Suck it. A breakaway that had possum pounder Pete Weber claiming it was Jamie Pushor? Suck it. If you’re not a Wing fan and you’re angry that the Anti-Christ is having his way with the league again? Uh oh. Stop reading…because, yeah, you can suck it too.
Kris Newbury. Jan Mursak. Hat Trick Dick, wherever you are. Bring ‘em up. Bring ‘em ALL up. Let the fun continue because we know it’s not gonna stop. It’s too easy and too fun for He who laughs last.
But stand by. Because if the injuries keep piling up and the Wings stay within striking distance until all the lightning’s been exhausted? I’m serious when I say this. If the Wings get in after all this vomit? We’re talking #12. Nothing any team can throw at them in May or June will rival the lube-less treatment we’ll have endured leading up to it.
Make it hurt. We expect it. But you’d better finish what you started bitch, and you’d better be on the side of the 1 seed if we end up #8.
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Comments
And the Son of Sam shall lead them to salvation…
Posted by wingsfanindenver on 12/14/09 at 02:03 PM ET
The “Guys We Miss From A While A Go” would kill our current Full Force, right?
Posted by Guilherme from Brazsil on 12/14/09 at 02:10 PM ET
We’re talking #12. Nothing any team can throw at them in May or June will rival the lube-less treatment we’ll have endured leading up to it.
I’ve had this feeling too, but didn’t want to admit in public. Luckily, I can rejoice in the insanity of the Hasek. So cozy here.
Know what makes me happy about Bert, even beyond his kid like celebrations? I like that the organization have faith in people and their ability to redeem themselves. You at least get a shot here. But if you don’t live up, looking at you Lang, you’re out.
You’re a good man Kenny. I hope your intuition, and mine, is right.
Posted by Osrt on 12/14/09 at 02:11 PM ET
wow, I just gave a big STFU to grammar eh?
Posted by Osrt on 12/14/09 at 02:12 PM ET
I thought your “friend” from Pittsburgh was an English teacher? No more contact, eh?
Posted by IwoCPO from Sunny San Diego, bitches on 12/14/09 at 02:14 PM ET
Schadentuzzi.
The haters are delighting in the pain and suffering of the Red Wings and their fans, but no matter what happens this season, the Red Wings and their fans will have the last laugh.
Injury bug leaves Uncle Mike standing alone like Heston in “Omega Man” and Wings miss the playoffs? It sucks, but no problem. All of the prospects that have been slowly groomed in GR now get a baptism by fire and come next season with healthy vets and experienced youth? Look out haters, the Cup is back at its rightful home.
Injury bug moves on? The injured vets are healthy and well rested in a compacted Olympic season for the stretch drive. And, there is also a ton of depth now that the kids from GR know what it takes play at the NHL level and know they are up to the task. Even as an 8th seed, if this club makes the playoffs this season, I predict a berth in the WCF.
Posted by CaptainDennisPolonich from Warm and sunny SoCal on 12/14/09 at 02:15 PM ET
I thought your “friend” from Pittsburgh was an English teacher? No more contact, eh?
Posted by IwoCPO
Whatchu talkin’ bout Willis? No, seriously, who’s from Pittsburgh?
Posted by Osrt on 12/14/09 at 02:17 PM ET
I’m still depressed beyond rational thought right now. The hockey gods have it in for us this year…
Posted by Animal Drew from A Nightmare on Helm Street on 12/14/09 at 02:18 PM ET
No, seriously, who’s from Pittsburgh?
the one from Game 1 in ‘08
Posted by IwoCPO from Sunny San Diego, bitches on 12/14/09 at 02:18 PM ET
*slow clap*
I’ve realized what the issue is here.
God, Jobu, your toaster—who/whatever it is you believe in—just wants the rest of the kids to have a turn. The Wings have been one of, if not THE most dominant team for the past 15 years, and the other children are starting to sniffle and pout about not getting a chance to ride the ponies.
Well they’re our ponies. They’re our Happy *#$%@& Ponies. And you can’t *#$%@& have em.
Oh, you may be able to pat their noses and feed then an apple or two. You’ll approach them all timid-like. You’re going to turn to your mom Gary, giggling like a school girl—and while he gives you the thumbs up and beams with joy at how all grownsed up you’ve become, we’re going to jump right back on that *#$%@&, make him bite your face off, and gallop away with #12 in the saddle.
Happy. *#$%@&. Ponies.
Ours.
Posted by RedMenace from the darkest recesses on 12/14/09 at 02:18 PM ET
On the bright side, this is a time that Babcock truly gets to prove his value and worth, and cement his legacy
And yes, there are 29 other teams and their fans nervously watching the Red Wings. With each player felled by injury, they’re praying for another, and yet another… not because they want to rub it in anyone’s face because they’re probably scared to death about what happens if Detroit keeps hanging around and guys start coming back from injuries.
And as an aside, I never thought I’d look at Atlanta’s forwards and think “Gee, I wish we had some of that pop”...
Posted by Primis on 12/14/09 at 02:22 PM ET
the one from Game 1 in ‘08
Posted by IwoCPO
Damn, you remembered that she was an English teacher? She had a nice butt that she made sure to rub us with; that’s all I remember about her.
Nah, girl in Germany is beyond awesome, although it’ll be tough to watch games live when I visit Berlin. The sacrifices one makes in life 
Posted by Osrt on 12/14/09 at 02:35 PM ET
Helene St. James article doesn’t mention how long Helmer is sidelined with his wrist injury. Khan(!) notes that the injury is minor (whatever the hell that means).
Here is the lowdown on Newberry, from the Griffins’ site (which I have looked at too often this season):
Position: C
Height: 5’ 10”
Weight: 205 lbs
Shoots: L
Date of Birth: 02/19/1982
Birthplace: Brampton, Ontario
Drafted: San Jose’s 4th choice, 139th overall, in 2002 NHL Entry Draft
Last Amateur Team: 2002-03 Sarnia (OHL)
First season as a Griffin…Seventh year pro…Signed as a free agent by St. John’s (AHL), 10/2/03…Signed as a free agent by Toronto (NHL), 7/17/06…Assigned to Toronto (AHL) by Toronto (NHL), 10/4/06…Recalled by Toronto, 12/23/06…Assigned by Toronto, 1/16/07…Recalled by Toronto, 1/29/07…Assigned by Toronto, 10/18/07…Recalled by Toronto, 1/29/08…Assigned by Toronto, 2/10/08…Recalled by Toronto, 2/26/08…Assigned by Toronto, 4/6/08…Recalled by Toronto, 1/3/09…Assigned by Toronto, 1/6/09…Signed as a free agent by Detroit, 7/7/09…Assigned by Detroit, 9/27/09.
Current: 27 G/P, 7 G, 12 A, 19 Pts, +2, 95 PIM
Last 3 years: G/P, G, A, Pts, PIM - - Playoffs
2006-07 Toronto AHL 37 12 24 36 87—————
Toronto NHL 15 2 2 4 26—————
2007-08 Toronto AHL 54 16 27 43 101 19 4 9 13 *73
Toronto NHL 28 1 1 2 32—————
2008-09 Toronto AHL 33 6 23 29 72—————
Toronto NHL 1 0 0 0 2
Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 12/14/09 at 02:37 PM ET
Glad to see the swagger remains in spite of the injury ass raping your team is taking. I mean bitchy pity party aside, it’s nice that you haven’t taken to the bridges yet.
Posted by Stilly on 12/14/09 at 02:44 PM ET
Just for shits and giggles, here is some awesome news on tonights tilt, from the CBC - - and yes, another insanely hot goalie awaits:
The Coyotes are 6-0-1 in their last seven games overall, however, they have just one win in their last five road games.
Detroit has won three of its last four games, including two in a row, while scoring exactly three goals in each of its three wins in that span.
Ilya Bryzgalov has won six of his last seven starts, posting a 1.41 GAA in that span. Bryzgalov boasts the second-best GAA in the NHL this season (1.95).
The Red Wings have killed off 26 of 27 penalties over their last nine games while the Coyotes are 2-for-28 with the man advantage over their last seven.
PHX DET
77 Total Goals 86
71 Opp. Goals 84
937 Shots On Goal 1088
881 Opp. Shots On Goal 894
22 Power Play Goals 27
18.0% Power Play % 20.0%
83.8% Penalty Kill % 79.8%
Posted by Jeff OKWingnut from Quest for 12 on 12/14/09 at 02:44 PM ET
Ilya Bryzgalov has won six of his last seven starts, posting a 1.41 GAA in that span. Bryzgalov boasts the second-best GAA in the NHL this season (1.95).
We’re facing a starting goalie for a change? That’s a relief no matter what his stats are.
Posted by CaptainDennisPolonich from Warm and sunny SoCal on 12/14/09 at 02:50 PM ET
relax… As stated elsewhere, everytime a forward has gone down this season, the Wings have won the next game.
Posted by Andy from FightNight from Oslo, Norway on 12/14/09 at 02:50 PM ET
I mean bitchy pity party aside, it’s nice that you haven’t taken to the bridges yet.
Posted by Stilly
Oh, for sure not. We’ll ride the Hasek to the bridge, snipe some people from there and blow that bitch up if we have to. Ain’t no pity party here; Babbles and his fedora run shit, walk with a limp cuz this is some pimp shit…
Posted by Osrt on 12/14/09 at 02:52 PM ET
If the Wings get in after all this vomit? We’re talking #12.
yes. i’ve been thinking that for a month or so. that’s a big ‘IF’ but if it happens, the steel city pizza in spring, texas with the penguins ‘championship’ poster in their window is gonna hear from this guy.
Posted by Twig in Houston from Houston, TX on 12/14/09 at 02:53 PM ET
Just read that Jimmah is the starter tonight. Does anyone find that odd after Ozzie just had a strong game?
Posted by John W. from a bubble wrap cocoon on 12/14/09 at 02:57 PM ET
Helm goes down, Tricky Dick Axelsson is headed back to Sweden, anyone got a guess on the third thing to go down today?
Jeebus.
Posted by chollis from Seattle. Seriously. on 12/14/09 at 03:10 PM ET
anyone got a guess on the third thing to go down today?
Darren Garcia?
Posted by J.J. from Kansas on 12/14/09 at 03:10 PM ET
Helm too?
and we called up who??? Matt what’s the 411 on this guy? Dig deep my friend.
We need to post a suicide watch on Animal Drew. Sheesh, he just moved in to the new digs.
Jeebus, what’s next a tax on rum?
Posted by Rumbear from Top O da Hasek, sippin rum & catchin some rays on 12/14/09 at 03:10 PM ET
Darren Garcia?
That’s a daily occurrence thought. Unless you mean he’s going to get taken down, which would be an interesting development.
Posted by chollis from Seattle. Seriously. on 12/14/09 at 03:14 PM ET
Darren Garcia?
That’s a daily occurrence thought.
Chollis, you are in dire need of professional help. That or you are a televangelist.
Posted by CaptainDennisPolonich from Warm and sunny SoCal on 12/14/09 at 03:22 PM ET
Chollis, you are in dire need of professional help. That or you are a televangelist.
That, or some typing lessons so I stop adding letters and unintentionally creating disturbing thoughts. Who knew going from “though” to “thought” could be so detrimental?
Posted by chollis from Seattle. Seriously. on 12/14/09 at 03:29 PM ET
Nah, girl in Germany is beyond awesome, although it’ll be tough to watch games live when I visit Berlin.
The Skyline Club will make you forget that awfully quick.
Stillwoozi better start being a Wings reclamation project double-quick time. And here they are, ladies and gentlemen, your Detroit Rapids Red Griffins!
Posted by AndrewFromAnnArbor from Fortress Europe on 12/14/09 at 03:29 PM ET
And here they are, ladies and gentlemen, your Detroit Rapids Red Griffins!
Posted by AndrewFromAnnArbor from Fortress Europe on 12/14/09 at 03:29 PM ET
+19
Posted by Twig in Houston from Houston, TX on 12/14/09 at 03:36 PM ET
all these injuries i look at as “adversity” material for our 2009-10 Stanley Cup Champions DVD. ya know the dramatic music will be playing and james earl jones will say something like “and then the 16th red wing starter was injured”, and they’ll show a glaring babcock behind the bench….......When we get everyone back and start the playoffs we’re going to be twice as good as we were last year. We’ll have a chip on our shoulder from that game back in June and we’ll have been in playoff mode for months. We’ll be unstoppable.
Posted by Itrusteddrrahmani from Nyc by way of A2 on 12/14/09 at 03:49 PM ET
Newbury would not have been my choice. Sure, he’s got 19 pts. But he’s painful to watch. He gives up the puck, he wastes more opportunities than not, only 7 of those pts are goals, he seems to prefer going for a penalizable (that’s right, I make up words) plays rather than getting the freaking puck, he can’t pass worth crap (to be fair, he’s usually passing to Ritola, who can’t catch a pass to save his life), and to top it off, he’s freaking ugly. He’s small, he’s slow, he’s often in his own little world. His favorite thing to do is pass directly to the other team. Luckily, he cut his hair so he doesn’t have the Lang thing going on anymore.
On the plus side, he can win some important faceoffs. And he plays on the PK. Not very well, but he’s there skating frantically around with the rest of GR’s miserable PK. Sure they kill a lot off, but that’s got more to do with the goaltending and Kindl. He also has like 44 games of NHL experience with like 6 points (look up the exact numbers, I’m too depressed to do it).
Posted by MrsOtW from Wyoming, Mi on 12/14/09 at 03:56 PM ET
Newbury would not have been my choice.
who would be your first choice?
Posted by Twig in Houston from Houston, TX on 12/14/09 at 04:02 PM ET
He also has like 44 games of NHL experience with like 6 points (look up the exact numbers, I’m too depressed to do it).
Three goals, Three assists. All with the Leafs. :/
Posted by Itrusteddrrahmani from Nyc by way of A2 on 12/14/09 at 04:05 PM ET
from the previous post ...
When I heard this (Helm out), I aLol (tm TDT).
Really.
Not shocked. Not freaked. Not panicked.
I’m calloused, numb.
What ya gonna do?
Bare it and grin.
Posted by stonehands-78 from the beginning ... a WingsFan, on 12/14/09 at 02:34 PM ET
L.G.R.W.
Posted by stonehands-78 from the beginning ... a WingsFan, on 12/14/09 at 04:10 PM ET
But stand by. Because if the injuries keep piling up and the Wings stay within striking distance until all the lightning’s been exhausted? I’m serious when I say this. If the Wings get in after all this vomit? We’re talking #12. Nothing any team can throw at them in May or June will rival the lube-less treatment we’ll have endured leading up to it.
Make it hurt. We expect it. But you’d better finish what you started bitch, and you’d better be on the side of the 1 seed if we end up #8.
Uncle Mike has to be ahead of the game at this point. He has seen so many players go down that somewhere in that gigantic brain of his is a back up for this scenario. He is too smart a man not to be prepared. The coach of the decade is going to pull us through all the horrible circumstances that have come our way.
This is just another bump in the road that makes the rest of the guys realize that they actually have to pay the price. For the first time in a long time it’s no longer taken for granted that the playoffs are a given.I think they have finally realized what is at stake. Our core is finding it’s heart once again and that spreads through the locker room. It hasn’t killed us, it’s only made us stronger. This is the year. Bitches.
Lets Go Red Wings!!!!!
Posted by Kate from Pa.-made in Detroit on 12/14/09 at 04:14 PM ET
Chicago’s taking the Central Division this season.. and next season, and the next after that… want to know why? Because the Wings aren’t power houses anymore.
Posted by Ripper from Chicago, IL on 12/14/09 at 04:14 PM ET
who would be your first choice?
My first choice call up would be Jeremy Williams, but as Matt pointed out to me, he is not a center. I think the Wings could get around that, putting someone else at center. Williams is hard working, he has 11 goals, he’s fast, he’s a great forechecker, and he’s got good hands. After Williams, I’d say either Ritola or Pare. Frankie Pare has just been named the AHL player of the week. He’s got fancy moves too, though not a lot of points.
The Griffs only have 4 centers right now (including Newbury) plus McGrath, who normally plays wing. They also just lost Axelsson (idiot) and Tatar, neither of whom would have been a good call up, but it hurts the Griffins just in manpower.
Posted by MrsOtW from Wyoming, Mi on 12/14/09 at 04:14 PM ET
Tricky Dick Axelsson is headed back to Sweden,
Posted by chollis
Seriously? I haven’t visited Malik yet, but that blows hard. He might be done with the Wings. First the incident that got him kicked off the Olympic team (am I remembering that right?) and now this. Fuch.
Posted by Osrt on 12/14/09 at 04:17 PM ET
Chicago’s taking the Central Division this season.. and next season, and the next after that… want to know why? Because the Wings aren’t power houses anymore.
Posted by Ripper from Chicago, IL on 12/14/09 at 04:14 PM ET
Forklift’s the only Cawk fan allowed to speak in here. Raise your hand first.
Posted by IwoCPO from Sunny San Diego, bitches on 12/14/09 at 04:17 PM ET
Chicago’s taking the Central Division this season.. and next season, and the next after that… want to know why? Because the Wings aren’t power houses anymore.
Posted by Ripper from Chicago, IL on 12/14/09 at 04:14 PM ET
When was Detroit “power houses”? How many franchises are in Detroit?
Posted by Guilherme from Brasil on 12/14/09 at 04:22 PM ET
You know, we do have another center who’s on his way to Grand Rapids right now, name of Michael Nylander.
I was ambivalent about him before the Helm injury. Now I don’t see a downside to taking him off the Caps hands and using him.
Posted by J.J. from Kansas on 12/14/09 at 04:26 PM ET
Crap, sorry.. that’s just stage three (bargaining) setting in.
Posted by J.J. from Kansas on 12/14/09 at 04:27 PM ET
Chicago will not be deep enough next year to be considered a lock for the division. They won’t have the cap space required to stay as good as they are now.
They’ve gone all-in this year, and they’ve got “upset in the first round” written all over them—if only because Cristobal Huet won’t cut it when the pressure’s on.
Posted by Quarkstar from Out there on 12/14/09 at 04:28 PM ET
Posted by Ripper from Chicago, IL on 12/14/09 at 04:14 PM ET
Chicago can take the Central all they want. We only care about taking the Cup. That’s the difference between us and the other “power houses” out there.
But stand by. Because if the injuries keep piling up and the Wings stay within striking distance until all the lightning’s been exhausted? I’m serious when I say this. If the Wings get in after all this vomit? We’re talking #12.
This thought also has been at the back of my mind since Buckets went down. Can you imagine the bricks that will be shat by San Jose, Chicago or Calgary if they face us in the first round?
Alas, can’t LB tonight. Hope it’s a good one, bitches. I’m guessing Van Halen will stick around for a while.
Posted by Bella on 12/14/09 at 04:31 PM ET
I’m guessing Van Halen will stick around for a while.
Posted by Bella on 12/14/09 at 04:31 PM ET
You are correct, biotch.
Posted by IwoCPO from Sunny San Diego, bitches on 12/14/09 at 04:32 PM ET
The Central division has certainly done the damage to the Wings this season.
It is getting so that you can add a Wing to the injured list every Central Div. game the Wings play.
I’ve been watching Babs, and I’m convinced he must be abusing anti-depressants,
and who could blame him.
Posted by HockeyTownTodd on 12/14/09 at 04:34 PM ET
You know, we do have another center who’s on his way to Grand Rapids right now, name of Michael Nylander.
Yeah, but he’s not ours. He’s a Cap on loan to GR so we have no ability to call him up without somehow arranging to take him off re-entry waivers or trading (ugh… that’s a sick thought) for him.
Here’s to overcoming. Overcoming and drinking ourselves into a stupor in the process. Piss warm PBR never tasted so fitting.
Embrace the Bear Jesus… he’s our only ticket to salvation. Ride it out bitches.
Posted by CaptNorris5 from The Winged Wheel, stuck in Chicago on 12/14/09 at 04:41 PM ET
the Wings aren’t power house(s) eh? at least we have going for us the fact that we’re not a power house right now because of INJURIES. put our injured players on the ice together and they’re in the top 10 in the league. name another team in the league who could lose the caliber of players, and the number of players, the Wings have lost…and still be one point out of a playoff spot. I’ll wait.
considering the Blackhawks have missed the playoffs 9 out of the last 11 seasons, I don’t think their fans should be coming in here talking trash.
this season is going to be a flash in the pan for them. after this, the cap will tear them apart. must suck having a GM who isn’t, well, Ken Holland.
btw, who did Chicago lose to in the playoffs last season? yeah, that’s what I thought.
and in ‘02 they lost to…St Louis!! that’s worse than just not making the playoffs at all.
Posted by PaulinMiamiBeach on 12/14/09 at 04:46 PM ET
Geez, I’m depressed, but glad to have you guys.
6 or 7 big LOLs reading the above posts 
L.G.R.W.
Posted by Trish from PalmBeachCntyFL on 12/14/09 at 04:50 PM ET
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Lay some waste, Bert. Newbury, welcome to the big boys club. You’re only gonna get about six minutes of ice time, make every friggin’ one of ‘em count.
Posted by J.J. from Kansas on 12/14/09 at 02:02 PM ET