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Creating The Official A2Y Rivalry Depth Chart. Week 1: Denver
by IwoCPO on 08/04/08 at 12:00 PM ET
Comments (34)
Editor’s note: I can’t figure out where to put the updates. For two years, I’ve been placing them all over. Italics. Bolds. Military time. Civilian time. Cursive. French. I can’t stay consistent. Until now. There are two updates at the bottom of this post. Neither are very important. But they’re written well. Read them if you must.
----
Note for note. That’s how I play Aerosmith’s “Same Old Song And Dance”. It’s remarkable. I just started playing the guitar three weeks ago and I can already do everything Joe Perry does. Solos, complicated riffs, fingers flying. Rocking. A guitar savant is what I am.
Sometimes it’s hard when I have to hit the red and blue notes at the same time, but all I do is press the “+” symbol on the Wii remote and start over.
I’ve gotten so good that while I’m rocking out I let my mind wander to the teams who hate us the most and where they will fall out in our newly designed A2Y Rivalry Depth Chart. Rocking out. Thinking. It’s what I do.
What defines a rival? And which teams qualify for consideration? I’ve broken it down into categories, assigned numeric value, Excel’d those bitches and come up with the definitive answers you’ve been asking for. Here’s how we’re going to do it. Because none of you naysayers and ivory tower shouters have come up with it, I’ve designed a formula. We’re not using yours, so don’t propose one.
And we’re not going to do this all in one shot. I’m too lazy for that and we have to make the summer go by quicker and this is my solution. One team per week, vying for the illustrious Number 1 Rival spot.
And we have to be scientific about this. It’s how we roll here. No matter the temptation we mustn’t go off the cuff. It’s too important.
Five categories, each with a 1-5 numeric point value.
Quality of team (QT). Depth of hatred the fans of that team have for us and the Wings (HF, for “hate factor). Past playoff adventures (PPA). Quality of bloggers who may choose to say bad things about us (BQ). Opportunity that team has to make us sad during the regular season (RSSF, for “regular season sadness factor").
Colorado. St. Louis. Chicago. Pittsburgh. Nashville. Columbus. Toronto. Dallas. Anaheim. Carolina.
Ten teams. All vying for the vaunted number 1 spot. Each with good reason to consider themselves our top rival. It’s a glorious competition and by the second week of the season, we’ll have an answer. I know how badly you want to skip to the end right now. You want to start hating. I can feel it. But I won’t let you.
The Colorado Avalanche. The one and only time I’ve typed that phrase in that form at A2Y. My stomach curdles. There is nothing I like about that team and it would be natural to consider them our Number 1 Rival. But we have to let the numbers determine where they fall out. We have to stay true to The Formula.
QT: A mediocre team at best. Suspect goaltending. A defense that was consistently shredded by every line we threw at them in the second round. A core of forwards that did little, although severely hampered by injury. A bad team that will most likely miss the playoffs, causing little to no hurt feelings in Denver because nobody cares. Our science affords them a QT of 2.
HF: When we consider the hate factor we must look at it as a reciprocal equation. Do the fans hate us, and is that a shared hate? This will be important when we invite the BBB’s into our little arena of fun. The Dive? It’s a level of dislike that is shared. It is beautiful in its simplicity. The teams despise one another. The management refuses to deal, discuss trades or even consider a relationship that would allow it. Of course, it’s not like there’s anyone in that organization we’d consider tainting our lineup with, so that doesn’t really matter. Peter Forsberg hates the Wings so much that he’s spurned three separate offers to join The Dynasty. Bloggers and fans can barely type or speak when the subject of the other team comes up. Our science affords them a HF of 5.
PPA: Clearly, this will be the criteria that separates the men from the Crosbys. Only so many of the teams on our list can point to a playoff series that left each side with the kind of sour-milk taste to create a rivalry. Fortunately for the Dive fan, there have been many that fit that description between Detroit and Denver. For us, ‘96. For them, ‘02. We remember Lemieux’s hit on Draper. They fondly recall Patty’s failed SOL and the beatdown that followed at the Joe. Our science affords the Dive a 5. Round two last season was such a mismatch that it almost affected the perfect score, but we let it slide.
BQ: If nothing else, the Dive have their fair share of blogs. You’ve got the hyphenated guy. The accented guy. Gobbles. Thhom...oh, that’s right. He quit. Shane and Joe. Even Adrienne. Different in their own ways, but consistent in their downright hatred of The Dynasty. It’s a quality bunch, in that respect. I’d give them a strong 4, but they tend to whine a bit when the unraveling begins.
Case in point, from Gobbles.
Yes the rivalry is over, but that doesn’t mean Detroit fans have calmed down and become less of assholes. No in fact the end of the rivalry has only emboldened them to be bigger assholes. When we Avs fans turned our cheek and quietly didn’t respond they started sulking, like the pathetic leeches they are.
Golly. Our science says a BQ rating of 3.
RSSF: We’d like to be able to look back at the regular season with a tinge of bitterness, maybe a split. Just to keep the rivalry alive. But..no. Aside from little Ian’s blatant attack on the league’s greatest defenseman, if not player, there’s just nothing there. The domination was just that complete and the playoffs proved it was no fluke. Our science shows us an RSSF of 1.
Misc: And here is where the Dive make a run at the upper half of the Rivalry Depth Chart. Darren Garcia. Biting the heads off of domesticated birds. Humiliating defeats in the Denver courtrooms. So much fodder. So little space. Transexual drug abusers in Dive jerseys. Bitter Pepsi Center rentacops trying to stifle innocent Wing fan traditions. Wine cooler’d Dive fans taking a defenseless live duck’s head in its mouth and ripping it off its body out of a deep-seated frustration with a bland, garbage hockey team. Our science says that in the area of misclelanivity: 5.
An overall rivalry factor of 21. So much potential to be higher. But, some teams just don’t have the staying power. It’s almost unfathomable, but with a score like that the Dive are destined for middle of the pack. A mediocre rival and a mediocre team. Too bad.
Next week? The Triple Bravos. The BBBs.
Updated!!: 1232 EST. For the love of sweet baby...Carolina was included for a specific reason and you’ll just have to take my word on that. It came down to them and one of the provincial squads in Calgary or Edmonton. When we get to the Canes, you’ll see why.
Updated!!: 1217 EST. Good god. A quality suggestion. rdwingscup19 wondered why we didn’t include a few of the many tales of transplants and less than savory Denver residents who have made this “rivalry” what it is. I’m shamed, and I’ve included a “Misc” category.
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Comments
I would kick out Carolina and throw in San Josey or one o them Alberta teams, but that’s just me.
Posted by cephalopod from Chicago, on the poop deck, not over it yet on 08/04/08 at 11:20 AM ET
Throw Jersey in for Carolina if you want an Eastern team. I’ll say bad things about you, promise.
Posted by Steve from New Jersey on 08/04/08 at 11:22 AM ET
Love it. All of it. Will we get a graphic too? And I assume this is not a static list?
Carolina is just fine. You’ve got the rich Detroit boy-rivals to argue over who’s deeper in Kwame’s pocket.
Posted by Nate A from Dark side of the moon on 08/04/08 at 11:30 AM ET
Damn, I knew I should have spent more time this summer bettering Anaheim’s BQ.
Posted by Earl Sleek from Los Angeles, CA on 08/04/08 at 11:32 AM ET
Iwo’s included Carolina because he wants an excuse to write a paragraph bitching about AcidQueen
Posted by Pharazon from England on 08/04/08 at 11:44 AM ET
Nate: Yeah. We’ll have to come up with a graphic. More to follow!
Earl: You’re damn right. You’ve got time, though. Anaheim’s not on tap for a couple weeks.
RwCup19 and Cephalod: your points have been addressed in the hard-hitting, late-breaking updates added to the bottom of this important post.
Steve: One lucky series followed by 13 years of stale, boring hockey does not a rivalry make.
Posted by IwoCPO from Washington, DC on 08/04/08 at 11:45 AM ET
Damn, I knew I should have spent more time this summer bettering Anaheim’s BQ.
I don’t think the time spent on Bettman “heroic” photoshops was wasted, though. 
Posted by Baroque from Michigan on 08/04/08 at 11:47 AM ET
Thhom...oh, that’s right. He quit.
I thought he was in the hoosecow doing 6-9 months for that indecency thing?!
Iwo’s included Carolina because he wants an excuse to write a paragraph bitching about AcidQueen
or their owner.....the wing wannabe
Posted by Rumbear from My Sandy Eggo Profit Center on 08/04/08 at 12:02 PM ET
Earl: You’re damn right. You’ve got time, though. Anaheim’s not on tap for a couple weeks.
OK, I’m still in the midst of moving to my new house, but once that gets over (gimme another week or so), a Detroit-rivalry post is on my list.
I don’t think the time spent on Bettman “heroic” photoshops was wasted, though.
True, and BoC, we like to think of all our content as various forms of time-wasting, with fluctuating degrees of relevance.
Posted by Earl Sleek from Los Angeles, CA on 08/04/08 at 12:20 PM ET
misclelanivity
Dammit Duke, are you sure you haven’t spent your entire arsenal on the first RDC post.
Posted by HockeyTownTodd from upset when blogs dont live up to my expectations on 08/04/08 at 12:22 PM ET
Magnificent! Brilliant!
This A2Y Rivalry Depth Chart is a stroke of genius!
This is why we pay so much to join the exclusive A2Y 19!
Posted by w2j2 on 08/04/08 at 01:11 PM ET
Just a fun aside post for you all. I was at the grocery store this week wearing a Wings t-shirt and a Wings hat and the clerk greeted me and asked me how my day was. I asked him in kind how his was and he said, “It would be a lot better if I didn’t have to look at all that Wings gear, what’s with that?” I responded, “Stanley Cup Champs, that’s what.” He was quiet after that.
Posted by hockeychic from Denver, CO on 08/04/08 at 02:07 PM ET
Five categories, each with a 1-5 numeric point value.
Now six, since you’ve added the “misc” category.
(And there is probably an even more scientific-ish way to do it, but it would require ranking all ten teams and running a test on the rankings, and that isn’t going to happen because:
1. What else would we talk about during the summer?
2. My workplace has NO AC FOR THE NEXT WEEK since it broke a week ago, and I’m concentrating on not letting my brain melt into tapioca and ooze out my ears.)
On the plus side, the official word from the boss was that shorts are allowed until it’s fixed, but I just can’t wear shorts in a lab, so I’m going the tank top route. It’s the only way I won’t get heat sick and pass out - and then I’d be a trip hazard, and we can’t have that.
Posted by Baroque from Michigan on 08/04/08 at 02:25 PM ET
I’ve had a Detroit Red Wings logo on a credit card since the mid-90s… Often people have no idea what it means. Occasionally people do- and most often they hiss at me and babble some incoherences about the Stars.
One time, though… Grocery store checkout guy asked me if it was the Aerosmith logo. I cried. I’ll admit it, I broke down and cried.
Posted by Shane from Texas on 08/04/08 at 03:06 PM ET
One time, though… Grocery store checkout guy asked me if it was the Aerosmith logo. I cried. I’ll admit it, I broke down and cried.
A double shot of dumbassedness. I cry with you Shane.
Posted by IwoCPO from Washington, DC on 08/04/08 at 03:09 PM ET
21, huh?
Posted by Hyphenated Guy on 08/04/08 at 03:10 PM ET
21, huh?
Yep. Unless my math was off, and we all know that’s possible. But, hey, take solace in the fact that you were the 19th comment on this post.
I know your devotion to Steve Yzerman makes it all better.
Posted by IwoCPO from Washington, DC on 08/04/08 at 03:14 PM ET
“Stanley Cup Champs, that’s what.” He was quiet after that.
You rock.
One time, though… Grocery store checkout guy asked me if it was the Aerosmith logo. I cried. I’ll admit it, I broke down and cried.
A double shot of dumbassedness. I cry with you Shane.
Chief, I’m imagining you as the Indian Chief in those anti-liter ads from the 70’s/80’s. The camera pans to you in your Wings jersey… one tear slowly coursing down your face. And we all weep with you.
Posted by Jennemy of the Skate from putting the b*tches in the box on 08/04/08 at 03:17 PM ET
misclelanivity
If I had any idea how to pronounce it, I would use that word all the time.
Posted by Jennemy of the Skate from putting the b*tches in the box on 08/04/08 at 03:19 PM ET
Tried to post a pic of the weeping Chief, but I can’t figure out how to do it on my own blog.
And I have no idea how to pronounce it either Jenn. But I dig it. You’ll see it again.
Posted by IwoCPO from Washington, DC on 08/04/08 at 03:19 PM ET
misclelanivity
This is easy, guys. Let’s just break it down.
Mis, pronounced the same as the Miss in Miss Crosby.
Uh, as in the sound you make when the ref says “no goal, interference on #96”.
Lan… I got nothin’ clever here, the fiance would hit me if I went with my original “swedeland” so… yeah. lan.
and, finally…
ivity, as in the end of “The Captain, Hockey Divinity.”
viola!
Posted by Shane from Texas on 08/04/08 at 03:27 PM ET
Hey, if the Chief wants to give me traffic, that’s fine by me.
If he decides to toss the Hurricanes out for the Devils, that’s fine too.
Posted by The Acid Queen from Raleigh, NC on 08/04/08 at 03:30 PM ET
New Jersey doesn’t make the list? I see you have a 10 teams. Its a good list. But, top ten lists at A2Y need to go to 11.
Posted by UMFan from Colorado on 08/05/08 at 01:57 AM ET
Shane...you forgot the CL sound...which is what the female Dive fans sound like after rewarding their husbands for acquiring 4th row seats to a Wings game at the Pepsi Center.
Posted by Scott H from Kalamazoo on 08/05/08 at 01:57 AM ET
I think New Jersey would be a good choice if more of the success of either team had come at the expense of the other, but there was really only the one meeting and for the other Cups each team beat someone else.
I could see including San Jose for sure, though. Maybe as a replacement for Toronto in recognition of the division of the conferences, since Toronto matchups have been so limited in frequency now?
And if Edmonton was on the list, they’d overload the BQ rating and make pretty much everyone else look pathetic.
Posted by Baroque from Michigan on 08/05/08 at 05:22 AM ET
misclelanivity
So I Googled it...Nice result, Chief.
Apparently, I’m not the only one who hasn’t heard of the word either.
Posted by cementslinger from Midland MI on 08/05/08 at 07:58 AM ET
Apparently, I’m not the only one who hasn’t heard of the word either.
Slinger, at what point did it become a surprise that I just make words up?
Posted by IwoCPO from Washington, DC on 08/05/08 at 08:14 AM ET
Yeah, but misclelanivity looks like a word Miss B would use, so I just had to see what it meant. Ya got me on this one… Sir.
Posted by cementslinger from Midland MI on 08/05/08 at 08:35 AM ET
I hate the dive so much that every time I see a chevy avalanche drive by , I want to give them the finger for being so stupid for buying something with that crappy name.
Posted by rndave from sweltering south cakalakee on 08/05/08 at 08:04 PM ET
so awesome
Posted by cowboycoffee from San Francisco on 08/18/08 at 02:24 AM ET
Canadiens Planning to Retire Roy’s Number.
Better hurry, Dives!
Posted by SYF from Las Vegas, NV on 09/01/08 at 08:03 PM ET
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Dude, this is classic. That team SUCKS. I thought you would have included the story about the Wings fan who was getting prosecuted, and the other Wings fan who defended him in the HF.
Posted by rwingscup19 from Dallas on 08/04/08 at 11:16 AM ET