And if those mantras don’t work, borrow techniques from another sport--baseball!  (Obviously, change the teams as appropriate.)
How to Watch a Cubs Game(courtesy of the Chicago Tribune)

First, watch the whole game.  Don’t leave during the scary parts--when the Braves have loaded the bases, for instance, with no outs--or avert your eyes, tempting as this is.  You’ll be sorry at least 50 percent of the time.  And the rest of the time, you’ll miss a prime opportunity to scream profan… well, never mind.

Second, keep a six-pack handy.  No explanation necessary.

Third, food helps.  Research to be published in The Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences suggests that so-called “comfort foods,” high-calorie treats such as chocolate cake or macaroni and cheese, appear to blunt the body’s response to stress.  So stock up on your favorites.  (See also: second recommendation.)

Warning: Make sure your hands are not so encumbered with food or drink that you can’t, purely by accident, quickly change the channel in case of an egregious Cub error or some other unfortunate incident.  Yes, this may conflict with the first recommendation.  We’re not robots.

Fourth, despite suspicions to the contrary, not changing your underwear while the team’s on a winning streak doesn’t help.  That only works for the ballplayers.

Fifth, remember, as Tom Hanks once said, there’s no crying in baseball.

Finally, always watch the game with someone who is completely clueless about baseball.  The ongoing torrent of rudimentary, annoying questions can serve to distract you at key, painful moments.  That sort of companion also will most likely be the one to remind you at the proper moment that, after all, it’s only a game.

Posted by Baroque from Michigan on 04/07/07 at 10:16 AM ET