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The All-Name Team
by Paul on 03/31/09 at 02:30 PM ET
Comments (13)
from Charlie Teljeur of The Hockey News, ‘
Tis the time of year when everyone seems to be naming their all-star selections (no, not that All-Star Game thingy - that was done by three mischievous kids at MIT with a brilliant binary algorithm) so it seems high time for me to name my all-stars.
And by name I mean NAME all-stars. You know, the kid who might not be able to skate or pass and has hands reminiscent of medium-sized boulders, but he has 15 letters in his last name (three of them Xs) and it’s printed diagonally on his jersey. Or he’s from Upper Sloptovia and has a name that rhymes with rutabaga. Yeah, that’s my kind of player….
Goaltender – Antero Niittymaki (Philadelphia) – You know when you get really drunk and you start to sign your name and you write the first part fairly close to perfect, but then you lose concentration and the last part comes out as a big pile of jumbled letters and reads like inane gibberish? Yeah, Niittymaki.
Defense – Fedor Tyutin (Columbus) – The three best names for clowns I’ve ever heard are (1) Bozo the Clown, (2) Mr. Bubbles, and (3) Fedor Tyutin. Next time he skates by, grab his nose and see if it honks.
Filed in: NHL Teams | KK Hockey | Permalink
Comments
What about all-time greats? Like Hakan Loob? Or Tony Twist?
Posted by Incognetis from Delaware... Hi... I'm in... Delaware on 03/31/09 at 03:32 PM ET
I know he’s retired, but I always liked the name Mariusz Czerkawski.
Posted by Muero from Ohio on 03/31/09 at 03:55 PM ET
Radek Bonk.
And Nigel Dawes and Bruno Gervais, based on their first names only. 
Posted by Baroque from Michigan on 03/31/09 at 04:40 PM ET
Zarley Zalapski.
That is all.
Posted by Osrt on 03/31/09 at 05:20 PM ET
Which reminds me: Ziggy Palffy.
Maxim Kuznetsov has me having Lorena Bobbit nightmares.
Posted by SYF from a "Bron-Y-Aur Stomp" on 03/31/09 at 04:43 PM ET
Ok, how in the wide world of sports can you have an all-star name team without Satan? Bend the rules a bit on the uni number and give him 666 (or maybe 13 or 6 would do). Oh, and the perfect goalie last name, Norm Miracle. Then there is Andrew “Bubba” Berenzweig and one of my favorites, Zarley Zalapski.
Posted by UMFan from Colorado on 03/31/09 at 04:45 PM ET
branko radivojevic deserves an honorable mention…
Posted by fredster from manchester on 03/31/09 at 05:10 PM ET
I know he’s retired, but I always liked the name Mariusz Czerkawski.
Seconded enthusiastically.
Posted by Earl Sleek from Anaheim, CA on 03/31/09 at 05:16 PM ET
I just don’t know how you can leave out the name Satan.
And Jonathan Quick might just be the greatest name for a goalie. Ever.
Posted by kstewy16 on 03/31/09 at 05:24 PM ET
Two of my favourites have always been linked in my mind:
Darius Kasparaitis, which sounds like some type of disease
and
Curtis Leschyshyn, which sounds like the medical procedure you’d need if you fell ill with a case of Kasparaitis.
Posted by JimH on 03/31/09 at 09:09 PM ET
Oh, and the perfect goalie last name, Norm Miracle
‘Cept it was Maracle.
Darius Kasparaitis, which sounds like some type of disease
Fear of friendly ghosts, obviously.
I always thought Bill Houlder had an apt, if unfortunate, name for a defenseman. Damphousse (if you read it phonetically), Tugnutt, Diduck and Odjick always made me smile. Clutterbuck and Horcoff are current ones you could have some fun with.
Posted by shep on 03/31/09 at 11:13 PM ET
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I always wanted to start an all-Finnish team of Janne Laukkanen, Ossi Vaananen, Vesa Viitakoski, Erkki Rajamaki, Antti Laaksonen, and Jarmo Myllys…
Posted by George Malik from South Lyon, MI on 03/31/09 at 03:18 PM ET