Mike Chen's Hockey Blog
Sean Avery, Reality Star
by Mike Chen on 02/09/09 at 04:08 PM ET
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No, no, no. Chris Drury, you’ve got it all wrong. You don’t treat the supposedly Broadway-bound Sean Avery like a recovering addict. That’s too technical, like something out of a Psych 101 book or an Al-Anon meeting. Can you say boring?
If modern television has taught me anything, it’s that you can exploit, erm, treat narcissism, anger, and any other sort of ego-driven behaviors not by counseling or understanding, but by creating absurd circumstances and documenting it all on film. Need a way to boost league revenues? Want to increase exposure? Maybe even help Sean Avery realize how and why he’s a douche bag? Let’s see what types of reality shows we could create with Mr. Ex-Cuthbert.
Puck of Love: Well, this one’s just easy, isn’t it? 16 women compete for the love and affection of Sean Avery. Competitions include going purse shopping with Sean, talent contests, and a cross-over with the hockey-playing bimbos of Rock Of Love Bus. Now the question is…does Sean give each week’s winning contestant a puck or a man-purse?
The Real World: MSG: Now, to liven things up at Madison Square Garden, square off a section of the building for Avery and six randomly chosen roommates (players and staff from the Rangers organization). What’s their goal this season? Run a successful hot dog stand during Knicks games, all while maintaining their day jobs and surviving an IKEA-filled pseudo-apartment complete with three hot tubs and a completely stocked bar. Oh, and a random trip to Jamaica halfway through the season. Of course, all of this is a life-changing experience that helps everyone become a better, more sensitive individual (despite contracting an STD during filming).
The Surreal Life: Picture this—Sean Avery, Macho Man Randy Savage, David Lee Roth (see below), the guy who played Sledge Hammer, one of the chicks from Expose, Siouxsie Sioux, and Lisa Kudrow live in a house together and have to do weekly challenges. Wackiness ensues.
The Bad Athletes Club: Sean, along with other notable athletic knuckleheads like Barry Bonds, Darryl Strawberry, Michael Vick, and Theo Fleury, live in a beautiful mansion filled with booze. The boys, getting restless, go out clubbing every night and wind up forming alliances within the house, only to have crazy alcohol-fueled screaming matches that break down into teary rants that delve deep into their insecurities about how good looking they should be. Special appearance by Tanisha from The Bad Girls Club season 2, who scares the bejesus out of all of them:
Project Avery: Ok, let’s see the kinder, gentler side of Sean. Since he’s a budding fashionista, Sean, along with Michael Cors, Nina Garcia, and Tim Gunn put various contestants through fashion competitions, all with the goal of designing the new third jerseys of every team. And really, they can’t come up with stuff that’s much worse than what we’ve seen over the past few years, right? (“I got a great idea! A duck…exploding out of the ice!”)
The Biggest Loser: NHL teams document how good they’d be when they had Avery on the roster, and then without. Oh wait, the Dallas Stars already did that? Ok, season canceled. Next idea!
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